A Letter to Myself: Musings of a Moon Child

It’s been so long ago since I was truly alive. The world around me was once so fascinating and divine, like a song about mystery, magic and ocean tides crashing against the rocks. The world was big, bigger than me and I looked up at it with such large starry eyes, completely speechless at all the wonders before me. I desired nothing. I was happy with the moment, the present breath and the continuous flow of rivers and wind through the trees. Songbirds, butterflies, swarms of insects in the sunlight. Wildflowers, falling leaves and gentle hums of bees kept me entertained and spinning around in circles with laughter filled up to the brim of my being. I was complete.

Looking back, I wouldn’t have wished for any other childhood. It was perfect and it was meant for me. My father was my knight in shining armor, and he taught me many things that I hold as treasures in my heart. To be one with nature, to love and care for animals and to always be seeking the truth, were just a few lessons he guided me on, over the years. Righteousness, honor, and purity were some of the virtues I was gifted with and eagerly shared them with others.

At an early age, I saw myself as a protector and a mother. I loved playing with other children and had no problems with being who I was in front of strangers. There was no reason for me to hide, to lock myself away from everyone or to camouflage into the shadows. There was no hesitation or low self-esteem. I felt as if I was as tall as the redwoods and that life loved and looked after me, so there was no need to worry or be afraid of anything.

I remember laying in bed one night, my brother was fast asleep but my dad was still up and he was talking to me about having another daughter, who was older than I was and lived far away. As he told me about her, I said nothing. Just listening to the sound of his voice in my own silence and feeling a strange sensation wash over me. Looking up at him, I cried but he couldn’t see my tears, nor did I want him too. “Am I not good enough?” Those were the words that rang from my depth. My heart ached at the thought of not being the center of my dad’s affections.

Whether that was the first moment, that had me question my self-worth, I don’t really know. There were other times I felt forgotten and lonely but never had those incidents caused me to weep with such deep sorrow before.

As the years went on, I struggled greatly with many complicated emotions and tried to find a sense of belonging in other people. It never worked out and I was always left with that dagger of rejection sticking out from my side. It fucking hurt! And I’m not one to use foul language but in this case, it’s the right word to describe the level of pain I was experiencing. Losing friends or rather, coming to the realization that they weren’t ones, to begin with, was tragic. They never cared for me in the same way that I had cared and loved them. And watching as they moved on with their lives, felt as if existence was mocking me. I was the fool. It would continue to happen, over and over again.

Love. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. From whom, at times I’m not so sure. My father… my mother? From God? Who was it that I was searching so desperately for and why hadn’t I found them yet?

I worked for almost 2 years in childcare, and for the longest while, it was simply a means to pass the time away and survive in this crazy world. Dark and desolate, I was but an empty shell, no longer the person who laughed and felt overjoyed by the simple things. I didn’t know what to do or how to get myself out of this sticky predicament. But I kept holding on to a small light, a hope, a longing that got me through the boring days and quiet nights. My guru, my beloved Swamiji, gave me courage and his words kept me alive. I knew that I had to see him again. I knew that whatever healing I needed to go through, was waiting for me over in India. It was calling out to me.

And then miracles happened! Soon the tall buildings and houses scaled out of sight and through the clouds my dad and I traveled. It was surreal and I couldn’t believe that it was finally happening for me. I didn’t know what to expect, or just how much everything would change after this journey, but something told me that whatever came my way, it would be auspicious. And that was most certainly true. Though I wasn't aware of it, until many months later.

It was an intense 21 days, and at times difficult to comprehend but nevertheless, I made it through. Looking back, I feel as if I hadn’t fully appreciated the process and even though so much within myself had been worked on, that feeling of loving stillness hadn’t fully entered yet. At least, not in the way I had imagined. Perhaps I was just being greedy and not sincerely valuing what was given to me. If I could go back and do it all over again, with the understanding that I have now, I would have gotten more out of those fleeting 3 weeks.

But... that sad young girl I was before, had started to smile again. And the things that happened afterward, were some of the greatest gifts to have ever been given to me. All I can do now is continue down the path of knowledge and flow with life. It can get hard but trusting in God and in myself has proven to be the lifeline that sets me free from my bondage.
There are many things that I have to learn. And many discoveries I have yet to make. But at a snail's pace, I enjoy the dance. I twist and twirl and get dizzy to the music that sings out from my soul. I would say that who I want to be and become, is slowly unfolding and making itself known to me more, each passing day. There is no rush or desperation. It’s just that constant yearning to continue on up this spiritual spiral staircase.

It's fun, it's riveting, it's such a joyful ride. One that I'm glad to be on. In my secret book of dreams, I keep a few precious gems safe and sound. These little perfections, I hope to plant in rich fertile soil and see grow in the future. I don't tell many people about them because they're small and fragile and need lots of nurturing before I can show them off. Soft, gentle, tiny little seeds that I hold in my hands so lovingly. One day may you see the light.

I'm a girl who sees things differently. I must admit, I'm proud of that. A tender spirit, maybe at times a bit too whimsical, I hold on tightly to what excites me. And what sets me aflame is love. Unconditional and fulfilling. Pure and never-ending.

Yours Truly,
Ma Nithya Aparokshananda