Hello!
(sitting in the new building on campus)
Today I wanted to talk about a heavy topic. Coming out.
I could go into the story of how I first came out to my friends and family. But I'm not going to. Maybe some other day. But to paraphrase, coming out to family and friends is hard and scary, and I got lucky that they all love me the same.
However, I have learned that there is a lot more to coming out than just the first time coming out.
Coming Out to Strangers
Coming out to family and friends is one type of difficulty on its own; but coming out to strangers is another difficulty altogether. Maybe this is just me, but although it's easier to come out to strangers than it was to come out to my family, coming out to strangers is a different type of challenge.
When the topic of your personal life, love life, or sexuality comes up, you have a few options as an LGBT person. Either, you clarify that you are LGBT, pretend not to be, or just change the subject. I no longer feel happy pretending that I am not gay, and I don't usually have the grace to just change the subject. So that usually leaves me with one good option.
You might think that this would be easy for me, seeing as I'm writing about it on the internet. But YOU WOULD BE WRONG. I have a terribly difficult time articulating myself when the subject comes up in public.
For example, I was chatting with some friends, and a grad student we work with came up and joined the conversation. We started talking about a nearby college town that has services that can deliver ice cream and cookies to you at any hour of the day. I brought up that "I love [college town] so much." The grad student then asked "oh, is it a women?"
What the frick grad student, why that question?! Why not just "What's so great about that place?" or something?
Now, although I am out of the closet and proudly gay, this question caught me off guard. Instead of being truthful about being gay, or just brushing off that part of the conversation, I stood there stammering, and then said something stupid about ice cream.
This happens to me all the time, from social settings to online gaming. I am not afraid to tell people that I am gay, nor am I ashamed of it. Maybe the hard-wiring of being in the closet so long has made me permanently afraid of that question.
(at the base of the collegiate peaks, I think)
A Hopeful Message
To those who are looking to come out of the closet, or have already done so recently, the road ahead isn't the easiest. Your days will might be filled with difficult sentences clarifying other peoples assumptions. You might feel like retreating into the closet for a while in certain situations.
But I do know several people that came out many years ago, and they have no trouble telling strangers in public when the topic comes up. So maybe it just takes time, and I have more growing to do. Maybe they are just better at it, and I won't reach their level. Who knows.
Let me know if you want to talk about this subject more down in the comments, or if you have any questions. Thanks for reading.
I’m so glad you brought this up. The first time you come out is one thing but we rarely talk about the fact that the life of an LGBT+ member is an endless journey of coming out. Every time you’re in a new social situation or a new job you have to decide if you should bring it up or how to come out to new friends or if you should just lay low. I find myself hesitating and debating whether to come out in certain situations and it’s honestly stressful. Also, being in the south makes me question if someone will accept me or will feel awkward if I bring it up. There’s still a stigma to it here and many Southerners are not progressive or fully accepting of the LGBT community so this makes things harder. Now that I’m married it brings a new element to these interactions as I often debate whether or not to correct a stranger when they assume I have a husband instead of a wife. Being LGBT is more complicated and intricate than I could have imagined when I came out just a little over 2 years ago. I hope we get to a place where it’s no big deal and there is no reason to hesitate and it’s just another item on the get to know me list but we are not there yet and until we are we must decide for ourselves how to handle our every day coming outs as we go.
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I totally get you on this. I think some people are just so confident with interacting with people that they don't care either way what people think and so it's no issue just saying things flat out. I on the other hand have had a hard time dealing with acceptance vs. rejection my whole life and don't like putting myself into situations where I have to face that head on.
I do believe I can change that about myself though... maybe the saying "fake it till you make it" can apply here and if I just pretend I'm confident and don't care of the judgement, I'll learn that it's not actually so bad and have no issues with it moving forward.
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I definitely agree! I live by "fake it till you make it!"
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I've heard this from other LGBTQ friends. I can only imagine it would be super tough to have to come out so frequently, and I'd guess you get varied responses from people with different comfort levels (or levels of ignorance) around the subject. Keep being you. Thanks for writing this post — it's an important subject.
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I know the feeling. Happens to me everytime i meet new people. I also get weird and start talking about ice cream or something haha
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Im glad Im not the only one that stubles and gets weird!
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Very good post, is something that sometimes happens to me with certain people. you're not the only one, thanks for your post
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Interesting piece dear.
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The constant question I face is “when” do I say I’m queer. Now my go to is to sidebar mention my wife when others are casually talking.
“My boyfriend and I are going to the movies this weekend.”
“My WIFE and I were considering doing that, too.” 😬👀😬 (pause and wait for their reaction)
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Is the cookie establishment called Insomnia Cookies? We have that here in Knoxville TN and they deliver all hours of the day and night.
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YES IT IS! And it is life changing. Insomnia Cookies is the next natural evolution of humanity, and it took far too long for it to be a part of my life!
I expect the line of keystone technologies in humanity to look something like:
Fire
The Wheel
Boats
Guns
Cars
The Internet
Insomnia Cookies
The Singularity
And those last two might be the same thing.
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