The Honest Truth: Let it out

There was never a give and take relationship, I did it because I was only hoping for the best. Sounds like bullshit, but I knew it was gonna hurt and even if I did, I was willing to hurt myself as well to see if it’ll work. There’s no turning back from all the pain and lies. But for sure, God taught me better and Satan got the best of me. Guilt is what’s eating me up inside and surely, I deserve it to. 

You see, a young child was constantly fighting her own battle and so was the mother fighting her own battle. What baffled me was, they were fighting the same fight but not together. I watched the child go through the war and desperately needed her mother there every step of the way. The child made the biggest mess she could make, JUST so someone knows of her existence, better than to not receive anything at all. I watched the mother making the best decisions for her, going out and working out, eating healthy, and being strong. I looked and saw the struggles of them both, but damn the devil got under my skin and I fell for it, fell for it good. What I did was unforgivable, my words were sharp and my eyes turned away from reality and I too, I too was in pain, empathetic to the child who had to wait 3-4 hours and more a day and we all know, WE ALL KNOW that the time span of a child goes by the fastest. 3-4 hours is already like a day gone. Now take that and times it by 6-7 days a week without the first human being they’ve ever had contact with, “mommy”. Not saying that no one from the family was there, but it broke my heart to see her waiting for the only person she wanted, needed and had-left, to be with. 

I grew up with EIGHT SIBLINGS and NOT A SINGLE ONE wanted to be with me. I was left alone at home cause no one wanted to watch me. I was the “baby” of the family, but it was totally okay to take my cousin, who is only a couple months older. MY SIBLINGS CHOOSE TO TAKE SOMEONE ELSE and not their own. They always said, “we’ll take you next time” or “Oh, you’ll have to stay home cause the car don’t fit.”  I HATED MYSELF and WANTED TO DIE. I HAD NO PLACE, NO ONE! But you see, if it wasn’t for my father, “NO ONE!” would’ve stayed the same. My father saw me in him, he too was abandon. His parents abandon him to his aunt and his aunt also abandon him. My mom came into his life and LOVED him. My father came into MY LIFE and LOVED ME. He saw my battle, and stood by me. He took me everywhere with him, he taught me how to fish, and he TOOK my loneliness and sadness and put himself directly into the equation and love was the result. 

LOVE was the result, but I, I turned away my empathy towards the mother who went out for more than just 3-4 hours a day to become strong. I UNDERSTOOD IT ALL, but I couldn’t sit there and watch this little child think another “WHY” for another day. At the time, the Father left them and their (the mother and child’s) world came crashing down.  The mother wanted to go to him and try to fix what is broken, with the little money she had left to travel, she was going to go to him. We (my husband and I) gave what little we had to support her so she can go to see what was wrong. The words she said rung in my head over and over, “I’ll make sure to pay it back to you guys.” In the end, He decided to not accept them back and she didn’t go. My husband and I also had bills to pay the following weeks but we don’t work, and the words she said echoed in my mind. 

I thought, Well…since she didn’t go, we could get it back right?

I asked for it back and ended it with, “We had your back, hoping you’ll have ours too.” 

Oooooh….the devil crawled under my skin and I threw out my empathy. God taught me that when you give, give unconditionally, but because I couldn’t stand the loneliness of the child, the mother who had no money to pay us back but had money to spend, and I TOOK A BLIND EYE SELFISHLY. For goodness sake, the father left them in ruins! What insanity crept in my head and blinded my heart!? What I did was no excuse, I did her wrong. I lied and said that I had give-and-take relations, that’s why I did what I did to her. But deep down inside I was fed up with everything and I let the devil took over. With the press of a button, our relationship became awkward and her impression of me, will never change.

 “Our values and the way we grew up was different” will probably forever be the impression of me and I’m going to take it because I deserve it.

My hope was to see her daughter, not have to fight the battle by herself, depending on the words

“You have to be strong” and “don’t be sad.” 

It’s okay, if you’re not strong, it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be emotional than express your feelings through rage and temper.

YOU ARE NOT INVISIBLE, YOU’RE VOICE IS HEARD! SO LET IT OUT.

Let it out.

  ________________________________________________________________________________ BTS(Behind the Scene)

When we gave her the money, 

“I’ll make sure to pay it back…” she said. 

“okay” my husband and I replied. 

She didn’t go so I thought, okay we can get the money back and I asked my husband to ask her when can we get it back? We needed it to pay bills but somethings up with her bank account and she’s trying to figure it out.

“okay, let us know if anything changes” 

A few days later I asked my husband to ask, how long do we have to wait for it? 

And she replied, “In about two weeks.” 

During the first weekend, our family and relatives, about 10-12, all went out to eat and I thought that we were all going to pay for ourselves because if it was just a meal, we (my husband and I) could afford it, but at the end of the meal, she went up and paid for everyone’s meal. I was confused because something was wrong with the account but she paid the bill. Found out that it was her savings money for something else and I’m assuming that the money we gave her automatically transferred to her other payments. I wish I was updated about where it went so I could’ve understand more or telling us that “it won’t be until a LONG while before I could pay it back”, but it’s okay, because of all the stress going on, I’ve finally come to accept that it’s the way it is and it all will grow to heal in its own ways.