The Less Free Will I Have, The Happier I am 🤔

In high school, I was an active member of my school’s cross country team. In fact, some of highlights in my high school career can be linked to cross country. Not only was I able to spend a lot of time with friends, but I also got the natural adrenaline of running miles at a time. To me, long distance running is the most enjoyable exercise there is! Imagine running along unique trails, surrounded by huge trees, peaceful streams, and clearing your mind. However, cross country season was only a few months out of the year. So logically, what would an avid runner do the rest of the time? Of course, run on the off season. Well, not I. To be honest, I would probably only run five times during the rest of the year.

I have thought about this issue many times. I have come to the conclusion, that left to my own fruition, I literally do not do anything productive with my life. I need deadlines, scheduled meetings, and unavoidable obligations to be a worthwhile human being (as sad as this sounds). In a sense, I am very lazy. However, the remarkable thing is that when I am forced to engage in activities, I give 100%.

Now, onto the part where I am unhappy when I have unlimited free will. A prime example of this would be school breaks or weekends (when I am not working). Days like this usually begin with me waking up very late, due to being up late the previous night. If I am at home with my family, I feel guilty because everyone else is doing things like doing yard work, coming back from track practice, and other worthwhile things. Meanwhile, I am taking an hour to make breakfast at 1 p. m. while watching Youtube videos. After breakfast, I think about all the hobbies I enjoy or want to explore (ie. learning spanish, running, etc.). Instead, I waste the day away watching TV, playing a video game, watching a movie, and so on. Keep in mind I am tired all day from staying up late the night before, but not tired enough to go to sleep. As night falls, I am suddenly no longer tired and go on a movie watching spree. Next thing I know, it is 5am! I go to sleep and repeat the cycle. I don’t think I have ever been depressed, but this is the closest I’ve been because I literally do nothing day in and day out. It is an easy fix, INSTEAD OF GOOF, OF DO SOMETHING. But I always postpone being productive for later. The craziest thing of all is this is spurred from having a lot of free time, something billions of people around the world would kill for. This is the epitome of a first-world problem.

However, as I mentioned before, when I am restricted to a schedule, I am a hard-working, overachiever. All of this has lead me to be an “A” student with a huge procrastination problem. Is this a sign of that I overwork myself in other arenas? Is this just a part of growing up? I have no idea where this stems from, nor have I found anyone that does the same thing. Can anyone relate?