I've been through the same - even to the point of stickking a steak knife into my chest, using lots of strength. The damn tip hit the bone and I can't tell you how damn angry I was that I bent the tip of the damn blade!

While I went through my suffering, I could sense like a part of me watching and it did not have a high opinion of myself. I ignored it, made many mistakes and then a day came when I realised I am suffering mostly because I feel I should be suffering; most of the pain was gone.

That is the important point, you can either start to live your life again, or carry on as you are.

I think I would have carried on, but I was in Athens and I took a walk up into Plaka, at night, had a bite to eat and walked around. At one of the open air clubs/tavernas, I heard an amazing voice and I realised she is not using a mike. I entered and just stared at her. She was still a teenager, short, very fat and her face covered with pimples. None of it mattered, for her voice was magic.

Decades later she is still a well known singer and still has an amazing voice, but she'll never know how hearing her on that first time she sang publicly, she touched someone and helped heal him.

I don't know what will heal you, but whatever it is, it will be that one thing that can - if you allow it.

As for being friends with your ex, agree with her to distance yourselves slightly and promise you'll return to be friends once it is not getting in the way of you healing and making a new life.