The Day He Killed Himself And I Blamed Myself

I have a love/hate relationship with Social Media. Although I love it so much & I've gotten a lot of benefit from it and grown a large following, it also kills me at times. One day specifically comes to mind. January of 2015 an 18 year old boy reached out to me on Instagram asking for help with what he was going through in his life. He claimed he kept screwing things up for himself and for everyone around him. I told him to add me on Facebook so we could talk more personal because I could feel his energy by his words that he was hurt. He added me, I got home late, accepted his friend request & went to message him.. and before I get to message him I see on my timeline a post from his best friend basically saying R.I.P. & how he committed suicide hours before.

This post goes out to Kevin & all the other people in life going through obstacles that they don’t feel like they can get out of. It also goes to the people who get blown up on Instagram/Facebook/Email with messages daily, and picking through the messages you’re going to reply to and who you’re not. I've held this message in my heart for the last year and a half because I’ve never really known how to share something so raw and something that needs addressing..when it comes to Suicide and Social Media. Both completely different and are kinda going to be a contradiction in this article but I’m going to do my best to share about both.

For the last year and a half, I blamed myself for his death. I had no idea who he was. Just a guy(Instagram follower) reaching out for help. I get many messages a day, people asking “What do I do about this, should I leave my relationships, should I stay” “How did you get to where you are now, I just want to be happy” “Please, I need more people like you in my life, all my friends don’t understand me.” I’ll be honest, I don’t reply to most of them, Its a lot of energy being transferred back and forth to be able to keep up with everyone who needs your help. I cried my eyes out when Kevin killed himself. I called my friend crying because I felt like if I would have just got to my computer a little bit quicker to answer his message and speak to him, he could still be living. I questioned life for awhile, I questioned answering anybodies messages for awhile, and then there were times where I would answer everyones messages because I literally had no idea if someone was really on the verge of killing themselves or if they just needed someone to talk to. I also stopped my Instagram completely because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t handle it again if someone were to direct message me and say something and me just not reply and next thing you know they are gone. I went through a huge cycle inside my head about what I should do. Reply to everyone or reply to no one..?

I questioned myself on if I should have said what I said in the above picture “It sucks in the process, but you’ll see the light again.” “I promise everything will look up, have faith.” I was trying to be a good person, shed some light on him ya know? But when does being a good person and then something tragic like this come together and then you think in your head.. You promised him it would be okay, and how someone will see the light again. How was I to know for sure, I was really trying to make him feel better because I know in those moments that I needed help through certain situations, I did want to hear that I would see the light again and it would be okay.

To the people going through situations like Kevin, You have a purpose bigger than your downfall that you are going through. You are here for a reason, you have something inside of you to share with the world. Whether its your presence or something you create. I’ve been at rock bottom in my head, at that point of wanting to do it, how it would be so much easier if I wasn’t here. I’ve felt those insane thoughts that make you want to just rip yourself out of your body and feel the feeling of not existing because life is so hard in those moments. It fucking sucks. I know. Now I can never say I have pulled myself all the way through because well, Here I am. I cannot comprehend those thoughts at those last moments. As bad as my thoughts were in that time that I was going to do it, I can’t imagine the last thought that goes through when it finally happens. It hurts me to write this, because I feel the pain I went through at that time period. The thoughts were “Don’t do it, Just fucking do it, you’re not worth it, Do it, No don’t” back and forth. As a firm believer in “You can always pull yourself out of where you dug yourself.” Please, Please, Please when/if you get to this moment stick with the last thought of “No, Don’t do it.” Build on that and bring yourself out of the dark. I know its hard, but you’re so much stronger than you think. There's always a voice calling you back, listen to it, it loves you & will always save you.

To the people on Social Media who receive messages everyday asking for help and you either reply or don’t reply. Its never on you. Its always their decision. You can only do so much before its out of your hands. Was it my fault Kevin killed himself..No. Do I believe I could have talked him through it.. Maybe..but then again maybe the Universe had other plans (Thats another discussion, I won’t put here.) How do we know when someone truly needs help, and when they just need someone to talk to? I don’t think you can tell, they all have sounded the same to me..and thats what hurts the most. Words are words until the action is done.

I remember having 500 followers on Instagram and being like I can’t wait till I have 10 thousand. Now that I am over 10k, I honestly would go back to 500 in a heart beat. You know that saying “The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.” Yeah thats how it felt for me for awhile, when messages were just overflowing in my inbox. “How do I keep up? How do I help everyone? Who do I choose to reply to and who not to when they all ask the same thing? Should I just make a video talking about this question that everyone asks and direct them to that?” God I felt like I had to be there for everyone. It only hurt me in the end. As much as I love my followers & want to be there for everyone, sometimes you can’t. I guess what I’m trying to say to you is, social media is great, never blame yourself for not getting back to someone though. I guess this message is more for me, but I know theres others out there who have been through what I went through.

I stopped really engaging with my followers after that happened, and I started creating more video content because of what he said “I've never been at this low of a level, Your videos give me the slightest bit of hope that things will get better.” I felt like it was my duty to give myself through videos to everyone, so I could at least help that one person like Kevin who may be going through something in their life. As I took on that belief, it became more of a job for me instead of fun. Maybe it is our job to help that one person who may be having a shitty day. But Im taking on a different belief now, that its not my fault if something does happen, I can always help prevent it, but its not my choice in the end. Your life is in your hands, and its all by the choices you choose to make. And all I ask is that, You choose to stay.

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