listen , i dont know you and you dont know me but if at any point in your life you should take advice from a total stranger this is the TIME, go get some help, please , a very good friend of mine was posting very similar things just two weeks ago , and 13 days ago he came home sat down in front of his wife and kids and blew his head off, everybody that knows this guy was floored, your life has immense value to me and i dont even know you. get help , save yourself , get help dont break anybodys heart , get help there is a way out and you need to listen to youreslf, you are asking for help, help , please dear god get help.