Homeless vs Homefree- Ponderings of a Nomadic Homie Queen

Homeless.
Homefree
They are so similar.
You don't have a set place of your own.
No obligations.
No where you have to go.
Wide open space.
Possibilities.
Have to get creative to acquire the necessities.

What is the difference?
When you are homeless versus homefree, how do you see?
Do you see the open doors and opportunities?
Do you focus on the blessings?

Well...the obvious difference is evident in the language.
-Free.
vs.
-Less.
One signifies lack.
And one abundance.

It is a mindset.
One of shame and hopelessness or acceptance and empowerment.

During my time living nomidically,
there have been times where I was homeLESS and times where I have been homeFREE.
Sometimes, actually often times, within the same day.
And it's very humbling.

By the way, right now as I write this, I am free.
Shame has no hold on me.
I have everything I need.

It's important to see,
wherever I may be,
wherever I may sleep,
that It's from my own choosing.
And that,
that,
that choice,
is KEY.

I get to choose to accept where I am at along this journey.
Whether it's alone on a sidewalk under the shade of a tree. Or in a brewery.

There were times where it felt like I had no other option.
Those times were trying.
Now that I have met friends in the city,
and have even been blessed with a place for my tent outside of the city, It expands my freedom of CHOICE for where to sleep.

I can choose not to be the victim of life.
I can choose to make the best of everything.
I can choose to be satisfied with the "simple things."
And I can choose to stay in town after a magical and late night and sleep in my car outside of the Hopey...

My heart goes out to those that have had it rough, that are injured, labeled etc.
My heart goes out to those that no longer believe.
Those who have seen so much hardship and grief.
They feel their joy has been stolen as if life snagged the carpet from under their feet.
Those that blame.
And don't take Responsibility.
Complain.
Are paralyzed by shame.
And end up in the streets.

My heart goes out to them cause that was me.
I lived in houses.
But I was "homeless."

So many years of my life.
You couldn't tell from the outside.
What is a home if not where love resides?
If home is where the heart is,
The residents in mine were pain, shame and grief.

Comparing.
Not feeling good enough.
Not feeling worthy of love.
Not Feeling like I mattered or had anything of value to offer or say.
Feeling like if I found love or joy, it would slip away.
Not embracing the rain.
Not understanding the pain.
And ooooh was there pain.

There were wounds lodged deep within creating patches of darkness.
My happiness was based on my circumstances.

And sometimes, Life was "great!"
But with so many empty spaces inside
even the good times were challenging to truly appreciate.

I was restless.
Always waiting.
These ever present dark clouds looming, following me around, shading the brightness.
Dimming the light, creating a heaviness so I wouldn't step into my greatness.

Now that I look back, I realize I was choosing that.
The little girl inside was afraid.
Afraid of what other would think.
And guess what,
She sometimes still is.
This life I am choosing.
It is NOT easy.
It is not easy to live LOUDly.
Boldly.
To express yourself, Colorfully.
In this society.
To care so so deeply.
About so many things.
All of life and her beings.
To feel all of the suffering that so many choose not to see.
And to care about every body else and THEIR feelings.
At the cost of my own sanity.
Always smile because I don't want them to take my pained emotional state personally.

To feel like you're just FLOATING.
It's been incredibly challenging.
Testing.

But now that I've made the DECISION
to not neglect that little girl in me,
to not deny or ignore her feelings,
to honor her and love her unconditionally.
And importantly, I am learning what that even means!

She finally FREE.
Why?
IM LETTING HER BE.

All she ever wanted was so be heard.
To be seen.
I kept running from distraction to distraction,
to fill in the voids instead of addressing her needs.
To avoid facing her feelings.

She was homeless.
And relentless.
She was fighting.
She was never at ease.

Patches of intense highs were followed by patches of intense depression.
Searching.
Seeking.
Lacking this solid foundation.
The foundation that is unrelated and unnattached to our circumstance whether it's perceived as "good" or "bad."

I stand my ground
Live life with open arms
I put my hand over my heart,
honor the child who is sensitive.
Smart.
That loves to make connections.
That loves love.
Love touch. Loves hugs.
So much.
That she can get offended easily.
The girl that loves to dance.
Sing.
Breathe.
But sometimes gets insecure
and down on herself.
And forgets her divinity.

BUT
I CHOOSE ME.
My wellbeing is priority.
So what do I do when I feel like disappearing?
When doubt is coloring my reality?

If I don't have a big mirror handy to talk to myself,
Then I can either record myself talking or CALL A FRIEND!
To listen.
Others can be our reflection.
I don't complain.
I observe.
I recognize how I am feeling.
I validate my emotions.
The thoughts I am having that are causing a discrepancy.
Am I focusing on what I am not? On what I don't have? Or on my blessings?

and I STAND UP.
I RELEASE.
TOUGH LOVE.
I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO ACT LIKE A VICTIM.
LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME.
GET UP.
No more lies.
You are here.
and you are alive.
Stand up tall.
Shake it off.

I ALLOW myself to release.
However it may be.
Depending on the intensity.
those thoughts are NOT serving me.
And I open space to allow.
Love to heal me.

YOU ARE STRONG.
You have the tools.
You know what has to be done.
Whether it's positive self talk
and affirmations.
Movement release.
Humor-that's a big one.
I'm..sorta kinda funny...🤓

YOU ARE READY.
And your time is NOW.

NOW
I see
the ebb and flow.
That there is a purpose for each low.
and understand that the contrast is vital.
I recognize that joy and pain are of the same.
A state of BEING.
NOW
I AM CHOOSING ME OVER CHOOSING SHAME.
AND GOD DOES It FEEL GOOD.
So FREEING.
I have everything I could need.
AS LONG AS I HAVE ME❤️
I don't always Know how to interact with everyone
when All I want is to just to live among
brothers and sisters,
living as one,
I don't always do the "best"
I don't always know how to get everyone to dance,
I am forever learning.
Growing.
What I can do, is just keep being.
And when in doubt,
I will KEEP SMILING.
And maybe sometime soon, we will all shake off whatever is holding us back
and dance the dance of the universe,
sing the song of the flowers and trees.
Let go
of the internal struggle
like the fall leaves.
Know
Happiness cannot be pursued.
but created.
Plant seeds.
Get out of our heads and listen to the voice of truth and spirit.
Let In Life. Feel the breeze.
and Unite as one tribe.
One family.

I am embracing
that I can be Homefree,
and WEALTHY.

My wealth is in my experiences.
My connections.
My relationships.
In wisdom.
In knowledge.
My wealth is in my freedom.
Freedom to express my self.
To fill this empty space with what I wish.
With what brings me joy.

Embrace.
All of life.
Strength.
Lies.
On the other side
of pain.