Well I’ve been in and out a lot. I’ve overworked myself with expectations too high, pressure too strong. I wanted to become independent and free, that’s what I’ve got in my hands, or, I thought I have.

Independence comes in way too many different forms and we haven’t quite learned about some parts that comes as a bonus gift to your freedom.

I still can’t break the habit of smoking in bed. One day I will set myself on fire. Well, life happens to do it on my behalf anyways.

My mind is constantly on a treadmill to nowhere. Infinite running without a destination. Work to live, to eat, to pay rent, to pay taxes, get stressed, pay to relax, to go out, to drink, to smoke. I’m pretty sure you can find yourself investing into stress prevention just like I do. “Treat yourself”, “You deserve it”, “You’re tired”.

I’m tired of this constant marathon for god knows what. Setting goals way too far into future. We constantly push and pull, struggle to pass through days. Waiting for your birthday, for Christmas, for lectures, for summer, for that god forsaken day off that is set two weeks from now. Hurdles in front of you - job, tasks, responsibilities, wait, how am I supposed to fit everything in 24 hours? And I find myself looking for a psychiatrist to help me cope with everything that is on my shoulders because for God’s sake, I forced myself to grow up too soon! But hey, your family is proud of you, keep pushing, keep aiming, don’t lose the target from your eyesight, this is going to end and you will chill finally on the sofa that you own.

But stop, it never ends. It’s an infinite circle of conversations that don’t last a month, fucked up sleep cycle and taking a step backwards in your bucket list, you can’t remember a single day you did what you actually want to do.

Breathe.

It doesn’t matter if that single breath you take is full of toxic smoke and with each one of it, it brings you closer to the day you die and it’s all over.

Find happiness in small things; don’t set your expectations for yourself so high; stop once in a while; sleep well; decide; come on! You splurge it out like it’s so easy, as if making decisions is making a wish as you’re blowing your birthday candles, as if it’s as easy as eating a piece of it. Wrong; it’s as hard as desperately trying to stop yourself from overthinking and slowly driving yourself crazy, it’s as hard as keeping your tears when your boyfriend who has no idea what’s going on yet even if you want it you can’t explain it is telling you it hurts him to see you like this.

You gather up the strength from all the possible places but sometimes it just all breaks down on you, sometimes you just can’t be strong enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, radiant enough to face it all, sometimes you feel like you’re just a little child that wants to paint and draw and kiss and go and travel and run and live!

Breathe…

I wish I could laugh. Wholeheartedly. Sometimes I do, with you. I wish I could feel. The breeze of foreign wind in my hair. I wish I could stop. Just stop for a minute, listen to the sea, breathe in the salt. I wish we still had those late night conversations in the car, I wish we still were as careless.

I don’t know who injected this bunch of negativity into my system but I seem to try and throw it all up. Not lately. But I still try to break out of this harmful relationship with food, oh boy, I try really hard.

My mother tells me the same foreign wind I crave intoxicated me, I tell her she’s wrong; she doesn’t believe me.

I never cheated on my habit to write.

I never cheated on myself.

One day, I will break the endless cycle of hating food, one day, I the reflection in the mirror won’t try to trick me, one day, I will curse at the world on the sofa I own and have a decent sleep cycle, one day, I won’t get hurt at your words when you make fun of me when you assume I want to marry you.

One day, I will have my priorities straight as the people in my paintings, tall and steady; and on the top of the list, it will be you, always you. For all the days you put up with all my horseshit I give to you, for all the days you have to suffer and be unsure of my future, for all the days you’re worried about me, for all the days you’re afraid of losing me.

One day, I will pay you back with twice the strength you gave to me. One day, I will believe I deserve you and I will trust you when you say I’m the most beautiful one to you, someday, that day, for that day I’m anticipating more than the Christmas, summer, birthdays, all put together; that day, all the breakdowns and tears will be worth it, that day, I will shine for you and only for you so the whole world can see how lucky I am to have you in my arms.