Being positive, for me, is often an ironic experience because I am not naturally an optimist. The truth is, I’m a dark, dark person and I’ve always been afraid to admit that – especially to myself.
I’ve written a couple articles here that present me as an upbeat, happy, forgiving person; probably one of those obnoxious people who always seem to find the good in everyone and everything. You know, a person who will gladly turn the other cheek after getting slapped; a person who will forgive even the most unforgivable, devious actions.
At work, I’m the one who showers everyone with a warm smile and good morning greeting, even on my worst days. I’m the one people ask for advice because, they say, I have my life together. They think I know all the answers. They never ask how I'm doing, probably because I must be doing great, judging by my smile.
What they don’t know about me is not hurting them, but it’s hurting me.
What if I’m a weak, passive-aggressive introvert who can’t stand up for myself? What if I do the opposite of what I tell everyone they should be doing? While I try to spit out positivity to everyone I meet, what if the truth is that I’m a hypocritical, cynical liar? Why am I wearing a mask?
I’m still trying to find my voice here on Steemit and with that quest has come immense internal struggle. Not because I’m frustrated that whales don’t upvote my posts. Not because people leave comments when they clearly didn’t even read what I spent valuable time and headspace writing. (I’m too nice to downvote those people BTW). Not because most people on here know all about cryptocurrencies and blockchains when I have no clue how they work. No, not any of those things. Those things will probably change with time and effort, I guess.
My time so far on Steemit has catapulted me into a darker place because it’s encouraging me to dig into who I am and ask myself what I’m doing with my life – in order to create quality content. It’s causing me to face things I have spent a lifetime avoiding. After all, I can’t just post cat memes and expect to be rewarded. I’m not a cat person anyway.
This dark place is uncomfortable and paralyzing. Why is it that a goddamn social media site is forcing me to face the demons in my head and work through them? Since when did social media become therapy?
I see how the platform works in general. It rewards hard work. It rewards excellence. It rewards passion. It rewards hobbies, talent, and skill.
What if I have no hobbies, talent, or skill? I can’t decide if I’m being dead honest with myself or if it’s my depressed ego talking. <-- That is just an example of one of the crippling, self-demoralizing thoughts that have been going through my head lately. Yeah, it sounds ignorant that I would think such a thing, now that I see it typed out in front of me.
If I’m honest with myself, I have so much to work through internally before I can finally blossom as a person, not to mention on Steemit. I can feel the pain of my past gushing from the pores in my skin as I type this. I’m ridding myself of the toxins that have built up during the past 32 years.
If you’re reading this, you will probably have to put up with several more awkward posts before I get into my stride and act like a normal person. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm not a normal person. I've always been told to fake it until I make it and to stop being so negative. Well, I haven't made it yet. What now??
While I'm figuring all that out, I hope you enjoy the dark side. Fuck you, positivity.
Quality content is such a two headed hydra. What feels to me to be game changing world problem solving posts or important issues sometimes barely get noticed. It does tend to really make you evaluate what your priorities are and how best to present them.
Unfortunately the world is not just made of unicorns and rainbows. Trying to just ignore the darker aspects in ourselves and our environment just causes more issues. I'm continuously trying to sort this all out too.
I keep bouncing back and forth with thinking, "Were not going to make it," and thinking, "Were on the verge of a technological singularity that will bring peace, prosperity and abundance for all."
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I'm starting to think that the way to get noticed is to stop trying to get noticed. I had no expectations when I posted this one except to get the typical "great post, followed you, hope you're following me" comments. I posted it for me because the words flowed so effortlessly and because I felt so much better afterward.
I can relate to your thinking about whether we're approaching the apocalypse or enlightenment. I feel that way about humanity on a daily basis.
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I'm glad you posted this and are feeling better - thank you. It is tough to bare witness to a rapidly changing world with so many far reaching issues without feeling these types of things. Your post sums up a lot of what I am feeling too.
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I think the most important thing is to be your authentic self and follow what your gut instinct tells you. Then these blockages which are created but thinking of who we are and who we should be just disappear. Its a bit of a yogic philosophy but its time and time tested again throughout history :)
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It's a challenge finding your own voice when you are using a social platform like this. It's easy to be hypocritical and overly positive without realizing it. I hope you're able to balance the darkness with positivity. While the world's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's not always rotten, either. As honest as you've been in this post, I believe in your ability to show us your true self. :)
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Thank you! I originally wrote this in a Word document with the words just flowing out of my head. I didn't even think I'd be writing a Steemit post today. The overwhelming response here just proves your theory that the world isn't always rotten. I might've disagreed with you a few hours ago. :)
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Sometimes the good things sneak up on you. :)
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I'm really quite blown away with this post. I love your honesty, yet your other posts had me truly convinced that you were 'in the zone'. I honestly don't meet many people that can write an inspiring post that I agree 100% with.
That being said, welcome to the journey. There will be tears, there will be anger, there will be jelousy, and then there will be acceptance. Enjoy it. I'm sure you're at the end anyway :)
Writing has helped me a lot. Also, Steemit is changing my entire ideology! Haha. I'm learning too!
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Thank you, @raymondspeaks
To be honest, I'm not even sure where this post came from. I was sitting at a Starbucks with my laptop and it just starting flowing from my head onto the word processor document. Magic, really. And I feel a lot better now.
Raymond, you have been a great friend to me here and I thank you so much for that. I feel as though we have known each other for a long time.
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Judging by what you wrote, we have!
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I think that is sometimes the best way to approach- just let it flow :)
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@cali-girl I've experienced the same kind of writing countless times in my life. Subconscious writing...very cathartic.
My apologies if you find this a little buttinsky like...I can tell you and @raymondspeaks are having a moment here ;p
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So true!
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I love your honesty.
And I love that you are pushing yourself to grow, learn and improve.
I wish you all the best here on Steemit.
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@canadian-coconut I gotta tell you, that bit of honesty was really difficult for me. But I'm glad I forced myself to click the blue 'Post' button after I wrote it. I almost didn't.
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Good for you!
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me too, I can relate
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L.ive(ing) I.n F.aith E.verlasting Life is a journey, it is a vehicle of possibilites laced with self-discovery and growth is the gift that it offers. @cali-girl I'm really happy your shining light into your darkness and I hope what you find and face bring you to a better understanding of yourself and a better version of you. Life's goal, live to be the best version of YOU. I'll be reading you soon... keep posting.
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Well said.
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That growth is rarely painless, but I'm becoming more thankful for it everyday. Thank you for reading!
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I am commenting and resteeming so I can give you a better response when I have more time :) following!
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I appreciate that my dear, thank you!
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This post received a 11% upvote from @randowhale thanks to @cali-girl! For more information, click here!
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Cali-girl --- all my respect and big hug for you. OK ....so now what? You are awesome to admit or be self-aware...that is a big step. I see so much darkness "influencers" in this world...quite frankly I think this is by design. Any way...what can you do...start do think of a plan in each area. For cryptos as an example there are great simple talks on you tube and more. I can list 5 of them -- but you have to ask --- it has to be something you want. You have a gift that will come in it's own way -- don' t put pressure on yourself. Have a few goals and be honest. Take inventory of your life and say "this is what I want" -- how to get there. We each go through life and have our shares of ups and downs -- everyone. We are here for you.
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Thank you, @floridanow! Just what I needed to read. I have been putting pressure on myself to find my gift for years and that's probably the very reason I haven't found it yet. And yes, I'd love for you to list the 5 crypto talks for me -- just make sure they're so simple even a 10 year old could understand.
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You are most welcome -- and this case we need to thank you tube -- because of the chronology of recording s....soon steemit will do -- but for now. When I first learned of Bitcoin -- it was from Andreas Antonopolous -- look at his channel...look at his early leactures --- he is extremely knowledgeable but dumbs it down. 2)) Dollar Vigelante (Jeff Berwick) is great in his "view" of what Bitcoin is vs the global govt.-- he has recommended it since it was $10. #3) Bix Weir --- again many many you tubes --- very good on Bitcoin/Ethereum and Silver /Gold --- he says all you need is ETH and BTC -- hold it and forget it. Let's go with these 3 folks for now --- Andreas is the most techie (but a great speaker)...Jeff will give you anarchist views -- but this is where we are. Bix is tapped into many people and speaks in plain English. I owe you two more.....always here for YOU
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I'm sure those 3 will keep me busy for a while. I've been investing in silver and gold for a long time, so I'm more familiar with how those work. Thanks again for your kindness and willingness to share your knowledge!!
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you are more than welcome....there is a great deal of content with those three. If you are in silver and gold already, then you are miles ahead. At some point we will see which direction things will turn for our next currency and what it means for both cryptos and precious metals. They have been rigging silver/gold for so long...it a matter of time. I will be curious of your thoughts after you digest a video or two....always here for you....take care.
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It's really ok to feel good when you feel good and bad when you feel bad, recognizing that as thoughts change, the feelings change with them, there’s no need to prefer one feeling over another, let alone attempt to fix it. Abandoning the pursuit of happiness can reveal a deeper truth and an even more magical possibility. Look within, with insights and begin to find yourself. Thank you for sharing @cali-girl.
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That's exactly right. I am not going to judge myself or my thoughts anymore.
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You are not your thoughts, it's our awareness to thoughts that give them focus and power.
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It is my belief that we as humans don't all need to be super happy all rainbows and such! I feel if we just balance our emotions we end up being content. I mean content not complacent, this contentment is a state of bliss, a comfortable place that is peaceful. We can think and act at our best. I work and practice at being in this state of existence every day. Not to happy not to sad or angry. I hope you find your peaceful state of being!
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I think you're right. You gave me something new to think about. Thank you.
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Your welcome, and again thank you for the post.
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I am following you now I am looking forward to reading more of what you have written.
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Your honesty is refreshing. Lol, I am totally new to cryptocurrency as well- but amazed at how much I have learned in just the few days I have been here! I wish you well in finding your true Self. This will only benefit you and your fans.
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Don't worry, everyone's good at something, just keep trying different things and you'll eventually find out what your good at
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great post..don't really see too many like this.
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Glad to hear Steemit is having such a positive impact. Has anything else in your life changed? Thanks for sharing!
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You should probably read the post again.
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Self expression is one of the best therapies for getting the inside out. Leonard Cohen wrote and sang "there is a crack in everything...that's how the light get's in".
Keep doing what you're doing @cali-girl ...this is the first thing I've read from you and found your style both honest and edgy. I could never understand people who, although through their eyes I could see how they struggled, they seemed to always have it all together.
Thank you for the insight...and your sharing. I came here from a reply you made about a kitten named Niagara posted by @sebiniel.
Don't know why but I'm drawn to the abyss. Any abyss...even if I need to crawl on my belly to get into position to peer down into it. Just never know what lies deep down at the bottom...discovery is it's own reward.
~may all hatred cease...let there be peace~
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It's all in your mind. You can decide to be positive and then you will be.
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Of course, but maybe being positive isn't what's called for at the moment.
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Your purpose, is your choice, but might I suggest to create quality content by seeing what can make someone feel positive and go from there? I'm confident that you've considered this option, but choose it and I'd bet you will enjoy it and want to choose it again. Btw, I have a perfect post for you to look at :D
Click the link^ (not the pic) :D
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Cute song! I actually have brown hair and green eyes...
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Glad you got a listen! :D It was about you maybe? heh.
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That punch line! :D
I get you @cali-girl. (thank you for the recent upvotes, btw)
To be honest, I think you have a greater chance at succeeding if you just be yourself. I'm trying to find my footing as well and it's not easy. So much to consider, like the politics/ethics of the platform, the people you received upvotes from that are likely to not approve your next post, really wanting to finally write that original piece that's totally me, but knowing no one's ever gonna notice, - and having to opt for a mediocre quicky much too often, etc. etc.
One thing that has encouraged me so far is remembering that in the end, it's all about people, the real connections we make here. That can't be properly monetized. It shouldn't be. I've seen some rather poor posts from some big huge whales making lots of money and I'll be honest with you: I don't even want that.
Sometimes I make balloons for kids, as a part time job. That is the most rewarding job in the world, or so I feel. And whatever heart or creativity I have, I try to put it in every figure I make, because I see it's going to make someone glad. If you know that someone will appreciate you, you'll be happy doing it. Mask or no mask, IT'S ALL about the PEOPLE.
Ever need an upvote or resteem? Look me up @cali-girl.
:)
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The connections with people are what I struggle with the most, online and offline. That's what I'm trying so hard to work on. I'm a terrible introvert who prefers animals to people, and that makes me feel empty sometimes. I know, however, I have to reach out to people, not only to do better on Steemit, but also to do "better" in my daily life and push past the shadows that have been following me for years.
The upvotes you see are my bot voting for you. :) I try to get around to reading your posts, but just in case I don't, you at least have my upvote. I know you are trying hard here too and you are the type of person we need here (or at least I think so anyway.)
I think some people would notice if you write an original piece that exposes the real you to the world. I know I would notice. My votes aren't worth much monetarily, but like you said, you can't and shouldn't monetize those connections. And I might add: one day, your votes and my votes will be worth a lot of money if we keep posting and do it in a way people can easily connect with.
With that said, I don't think one piece alone suddenly causes whales to come running (swimming) your way, but with a consistent flow of articles that show who you really are, I say they will all find you eventually.
I like the fact that you make balloons for kids and hope you will post more about it.
I didnt think anyone would be reading this one that I wrote, but I was wrong. Most of the votes I got are from minnows, but hey, people are seeing it.
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Thanks for your reply! I totally get you, being an introvert myself. I agree with everything you said, too. btw, my bot was also instructed to vote for you a while ago :) I've posted some balloon figures previously, here and there. Here's one of yours truly in working in a park on Sweden's National Day:
https://steemit.com/balloon/@abcdoctor/june-6-is-fast-approaching
:) Hope you have a pleasant evening!
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You're the one making the heart balloon?
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Affirmative :)
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That video makes me skeptical that you're an introvert.
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If it was up to me, I'd stay home and never go out. Like I said, I love the fact that people appreciate what I do there.
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It's 1:30am here, but I will respond to you after I get some sleep. :)
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By all means, have a good night rest :) Don't let bed bugs bite!
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you are very beautiful
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Don't try to be normal, I have yet to meet a truly "normal" person. I suspect if I did I would find them far too boring.
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Your raw truth is all you need for making it in writing here or anywhere. Facing your demons is hard. I'm similar to you and much I say online is poetry.. the avenue that best releases my inner dialog. You're doing fantastic... and what's normal anyway? Fuck normal! We are the truth lurking in everyone. My mother's suicide forced me to confront my own life and fears and decide it's critical to speak your pain. Keep writing, girl.
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Steemit has really taken or our time and of good one indeed because it help us to dig for important information.
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Nice post , Upvoted .
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