In this post, I would like to talk about a subject that's always been a big deal to me & one that is for some reason still controversial. I'm 30 years old and still got a few "good years" before I hit that 35 y/o mark. I'm apparently in prime childbirth and rearing years. Many have stated I'd be a good mother because I take good care of the kids (cats) I already have.
Those are my fur babies. They aren't kids. I don't have to worry about saving up for their college education or them getting shot at school.
Career wise I work in physical therapy with almost exclusively the elderly. Many also have stated that since I am "so good" with my patients, I would be a good Mom. Again, they aren't kids!! Totally different scenario.
Overall I am frustrated with this antiquated way of thinking. It's caused me a lot of issues with extended & immediate family that are astute Christians and think having a kid is just a part of being a woman!
I've never wanted kids. Many call that selfish. I do not think pregnancy or child rearing is the right choice for me. Yes, it's a choice!
I suffer from diagnosed PTSD & major depressive disorder. Undoubtedly, the post partum would kick my arse. It's not selfish to not want a HUMAN to suffer at my expense. Most days my mental illness is fairly well handled with diet, exercise, medication, & lifestyle.
But, I still succumb to days of crippling depression where the bed is my best friend. You don't get to check out as a parent. Having been part of childhood abuse and neglect, I know the devastating psychological effects poor child rearing can have not only at the time, but YEARS later.
As I stated earlier, not having kids in this day and age means I don't have to worry about them being shot at school. Yes, exactly, I am GLAD I'll never have to worry about that. I personally believe we could be on the brink of WWIII at any time. Modern day warfare isn't exactly something I want a kid experiencing.
Hell, war is a part of my real sad family story. My dad was sent back and forth to Iraq right after 9/11. He came back worse mentally than he ever was meaning more abusive.
That is why I could spend this whole post just talking about how one's mental illness impacts a child. But I won't.
There's also serious economical implications. Kids ain't cheap. I have a hard enough time saving money that is required for my own well being let alone that for the needs of a kid.
Despite how broken and messed mine and my siblings lives were (I am the oldest of four), we never went hungry. We did go to a lot of food banks & received WIC - which is a government funded program.
My choice to be childfree has caused me a lot of problems. It's ended & also fractured many relationships. Many call me selfish and apparently I am a "biological dead end."
OH WELL. Many of those people had unplanned pregnancies or are part of the Christian cult.
In short, here's why I plan to be and stay childfree:
- My mental illness will impact the child
- I believe my post partum depression would be very detrimental to any child.
- I feel this world is not doing well what with seemingly on the brink of war and mass shootings all around.
- Economical implications
Thoughts? I know more and more people are choosing the childfree lifestyle for reasons quite similar to mine. I would love to hear from you in the comments below whether you are in agreement with me or not. Thanks for reading.
Hi @chelsea88,
I can understand your thoughts...
It's a sad world when people decide to have no kids.
I still believe in the positive, cryptos can bring a big positive change in our future, but there will be many fights before, maybe a bigger war, too.
But never lose hope, believe in yourself and in the future of our world.
My daughter is 27 now, I never regret it until now, the opposite, I'm very happy I gave her her life and she is very thankful and happy, too.
Maybe a child can help you with your illness, you are still young...
Best regards and stay positive
Tom
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Thanks for your input & the resteem. I am glad you have no regrets :)
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I feel this world is not doing well what with seemingly on the brink of war and mass shootings all around.
That’s the under-statement of the year! War aside, what do people think? That this excess of water vapor in the air and those crazy temperature differentials in the oceans are just going to caress our skin and spare our crops? Please. You are a hero to me for saying this as the antiquated mentality you face is the reason we haven’t taken full advantage of the miracle of contraception. How selfish do people have to be not to care that we find earths’s whales, turtles and fish full of plastic when they die? What makes humans so much more important than those beautiful creatures? A dead end is the only place where humanity needs to find itself if there’s to be any justice to be had for animal life on this planet.
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Thanks and I agree that contraception is vastly unappreciated. There's even BC pills in the making for men, i think they're experimental still at least last I read which has been a while. Many are just living in a bubble and not thinking of the big picture. If the shit really hits the fan (not that it hasn't already) I think young able bodied people like ourselves will be imperative. Having little helpless children around will not.
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resteemed
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You know what really makes me sad? I have no doubt that all of the concerns you mentioned that were external to yourself (and, I suspect, many of the factors that led to your PTSD and your battle with chronic severe depression) were likely orchestrated to achieve this very result.
If there's one thing an authoritarian state doesn't like, it's strong family units. They hate them even more than religious orders, because you can always destroy a church, but it takes a real feat to destroy the bonds of family.
I'm not judging you for your choice, only pointing out that the factors driving your choice are, in my opinion, directly intended to push you and others to making the same decision not to have a family.
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Yeah having a family should be a happy thing. Thanks for weighing in!
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"If there's one thing an authoritarian state doesn't like, it's strong family units."
!!!
@anarcho-andrei
That's the point, 100% agree.
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I've been meaning to sit down and write a post about this same topic. I have never had the desire to bear children, and I totally agree with you that it is a choice! A big decision that I think some people make way too flippantly. I'll eventually get out all my thoughts on this, but until then I just wanted to throw out a little support your way. I know all too well how challenging it can be when people question you on this instead of respecting that you know your own mind.
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Thanks for chiming in always good to know I am not alone =)
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The greatest thing is life. Every child is a unique combination of two unique people.
I had some tough times growing up but I'm thankful I was brought into this world.
If you have a guy who is willing go for it. Don't doubt yourself, look at your cats how healthy they are.
I think the behaviour and way of being of your pets reflects your personal vibe. The same with children. So why wouldn't you be good enough? All life needs is food, water, and love.
Of course you don't even know if you can have kids until you try. For me that is the scariest part. I would like to one day but these days there is so much in our environment to make us infertile.
If you have the gift go for it. That's just my advice and opinion, I respect whatever you choose.
Even if you had a tough childhood I think we all had magical moments. That one Christmas that felt magic or just watching the snow fall. Have the gift to relive it. This life is so short.
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I can def see your point but it's not a risk i'm willing to take.
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Being a woman doesn't automatically mean you have to become a mom in my opinion. And I was on the opposite end of this scale. I knew I waned kids from a very young age.
Don't let others make you feel badly for making the best chose for you. :)
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Thanks! I definitely think some people are cut out for it & others not so much
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to be child free. I personally feel it is selfish to have children with the way are society is racing towards self destruction.
I had and raised a daughter who is now 21 years old. I adore her and even though she was not planned it worked out ok, but I would absolutely not do it again. The pain and heartbreak associated with wrong decisions, being out of work, etc all affect the child so much more than it would have if it were just me.
My current wife and I chose not to have more children for some of the same reasons you did and we are so happy and secure in that decision. Thanks for sharing a sentiment so many are feeling and few are expressing.
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Thank you for voicing your opinion on this. It's good to see other like minded people out there.
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Those are some valid reasons to stay child free and everyone should be able to decide on whether or not they want to raise kids. At 39 I too do not have kids and its by choice too. But being in Africa there is pressure from relatives who keep asking me when am getting married. Maybe I might change my mind but the way things are I want to stay this way. By the way, one of your kitties looks like mine, I made a post about him 2 days ago.
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Thanks for commenting & I will have to check out your kitty post
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I should have never had children as I set out at 19 to try and find out WTF this is that we are living in. As fate would have it; the cult of 33 got to me at 33, and my offspring were brought into this world via a somewhat well connected masonic family. I don't talk about it but it did change the trajectory of my life forever and taught me about trauma--something I had never experienced up to that point in my life.
Haha, I get to talk about myself on your post!
You're quite correct that it's going to get crazy this century and money is the only thing that will buffer most children from coming difficulties. So don't bring kids in if ya ain't got the dough. I guess some folks can do it old style out in alternative living sectors but one has to be physically and mentally strong as raising kids is the toughest thing on earth as far as doing it correctly.
There is an old adage: know thyself. You're also assessing from a post-conventional moral stage and can see that things that have happened negatively to you can negatively affect raising children. That is a very well developed sense of ethics--almost that of an Enlightened Being:)
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Thanks for commenting and you're always welcome to share about yourself! I'm all about that path to enlightenment. Violence begets violence. I don't think I would (or could) be violent towards a child physically but as for my upbringing though many have had it worse it's not a gamble i'm willing to take
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You’re implying that money has the power to stave off the horrors of this world. I say this used to be the case but tell me, when they grow up, where will those rich kids go for a vacation?
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I’m glad someone is making a case for living childfree some say it’s selfish but not everyone is meant for the same thing! There are enough people having kids that the world won’t grind to a screeching hault if some of us don’t have one! Also I feel I can make a greater impact on more people’s lives with the things I do and the time I have than I ever could for just 1 or 2 people so in a way it could be seen as selfless I don’t know maybe I’m just trying to sell myself the idea
I for one prefer my freedom as a business owner I can’t be sure if I’ll always be open every day is a hustle and I’m able to do that with the flexibility I’m afforded and it won’t be fair to a family if I lived this way with someone depending on me!
I also have this thought in the back of my mind that if brought a kid into this world I need to be 100% sure I’d be commuted and do right by that person which I don’t think I could offer! There are enough kids squandering their potential because of shitty parenting
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You might have some impact across a broad range of people, but the impact that parents have on their kids is far and away greater.
As for shitty parenting, every parent makes mistakes. Not only that, but as kids age, they're also increasingly responsible for their own choices. I'm 100% committed to my daughter, but I'm no saint and I lose my patience with her often enough. If you strive to be better than your parents were, and to do better for your kids, that's honestly enough. I haven't spanked my daughter, and the only time I shout is to catch her attention when she's about to do something harmful.
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@anarcho-andrei
I definitely hear what you're saying. All parents make mistakes. Some are just more glaringly an issue than others
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Glad you get it. I agree about kids getting their potential messed up too!
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I have three children. Every point you make is dead on. And very wise. I think you are absolutely entitled to make your own choice. And to me, it sounds like you are making the right one for you right now. And I'm proud of you, for what that matters.😀 Don't let people beat you up over it, and definitely don't let it get to you. I hope your week turns out great for you, and I wish you the best of luck with this situation.
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Thank you. I certainly have no issue with people that are capable of having kids. Just isn't me
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This is a well thought out article, I believe that people that have kids for the sake of having kids are actually the selfish ones, with a bit of self-reflection, I sometimes wished my parents went through proper planning before having me.
I think you are actually very self-aware, which is a very good thing.
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Thanks and I wish the same of my parents although I am unsure how much that would've actually changed
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When I was young, I've ever made a promise that I would never be a mother this life. Because I felt my life was unhappy, the country I lived was full of pains and poverty, too. I couldn't allow myself to take my kid into such a country. My kid should be born in a good/wealthy family, accepting the best education, etc. Apparently I failed to be a qualified parent.
Who knows God unexpectedly let me realize my craziest dream this life? God sent me a perfect American husband/a wonderful scholar. Pitifully I was still so stubborn that I insisted in giving birth to baby after I could get American visa.
I got the wrong information about how to apply for American visa, being denied twice. The truth is I shouldn't apply for American tourist visa once I married an American husband.
I finally gave up my attempt of getting American visa. I changed my idea--it was the time for me to start my real marriage life, --prepare to be a mother. Pitifully everything was too late!
God can't allow me to be a mother this life any more! God only want me to feel endless regreted for my childfree promise! My American husband passed away suddenly and lonely in China. It should be a heart attack.
So now I feel if God sent us a perfect husband, every wife should be a mother. Kid is just "the pledge of love".
Of course, If we can't meet the proper husband, it is also OK enough for us to live a childfree life. It is really a kind of choice!
Always believe in love and God!
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