i fell with a girl, i was too young to know it, i just wanted to be with her, i don't know if i should say i love her so i say i like her, i like her since day one of primary school, i think its fundamental school for most of the countries, and i never ever told her how i felt for her.
now we're at the same university, she entered earlier than me, she's in her 4th year i'm in my 2nd year, we are doing different courses, i like anime, games, programming.... she doesn't, we are so different, but when i am with her its like i put a veil on our differences and all i can see is her nothing else.
we talk like 3 times a week, whenever i say that we are friends she denies but she wouldn't say what we are, and i wouldn't ask.
she said she was going to Portugal to finish her studies under a scholarship, when she said it she was already leaving, the moment i heard her saying that i felt every muscle of mine failing, i felt my head getting heavier, i couldn't stand so i had to lay down on the floor, i tried for 2 days straight to find ways to get someone deported from a foreign country and i tried many ways to convince her not to go, i know i was being selfish and i should just be happy that shes going to study outside shes going to be successful and all but why lie to my self, i mean we lie constantly to everybody else even to ourselves sometimes but when it comes to this kind of thing, this kind of situation why would you bother and wasted your time lying to you with those words, i was being selfish, egocentric narcissist and don't know what else but it doesn't matter i just wanted her here with me.
she said something went wrong with the scholarship and she said "are you happy?" i did not even blink to say how happy i was, i didn't sleep that day, i thought she was coming back but i celebrated too earlier, next thing i know is she was in a hospital doing some exams the doctors wouldn't know what is the problem, they just had a hunch i think, when she talked to me she said she had to go back to south Africa to make a surgery, the doctors according to her said she need to make the surgery as soon as possible but she wanted to get back home because she had to go to the university or else she would lose the year so the surgery was delayed to December, and she came back.
when she came i thought i would hug her say everything i should've said on day one, but its me whom we are talking to, i am a disgraced loser, i am not worthy of her, all i could do is just to talk to her like usual.
2 weeks passed everything went back to normal, i should be happy but i don't know, didn't feel happiness in me in these 2 weeks, i mean she could try again for another scholarship next year and there's the surgery she have to make, these 2 weeks shes been weak i don't know she wouldn't eat so much or exercise her self i don't know i just knew she wasn't herself.
after these 2 weeks she came to me and said with a smile "I AM DYING, NEXT WEEK I AM GOING TO SOUTH AFRICA BUT THIS TIME WITH MY FATHER AND MOTHER BECAUSE THE SITUATION IS SERIOUS, AND I DON'T KNOW IF I AM GOING TO GET BACK HERE, THIS MAY BE OUR LAST WEEK TOGETHER."
i still don't know what i should've said, i just looked at her powerless, i cannot afford to go with you, even if i could what would i say to your parents if they asked who am i, i couldn't say it would be fine because she heard enough times already, i just bought one of her favorites chocolates and i gave it her that was all i could do.
i am a disgraced loser, who just go in the internet to get free Satoshis from faucets because i cannot afford to invest, but that wasn't a problem because i had nothing to lose, so would say "one day i'll get 1BTC", but not i can lose something, something i really care about, more than myself and all i can do is just to write this on STEEMIT, how disgraced i can be? wish i had financial stability right now, just to make of this week the best week she would have in her life.
what should i do?