For What My Mother Lacks

Like many people my relationship with my mother is...well...strained to say the least. Forgive me for my bluntness but she is a self-absorbed habitual liar. She manipulates anyone she can to get whatever she wants without regard to the effect it has on another's life. She has a personality disorder that makes it difficult for her to care, if that makes sense. Once she and her husband at the time tried to trick me into giving her my tax information so they could claim me as a dependent when I had been a self supporting adult for years. She's untrustworthy and selfish.

And yet, I crave her love and acceptance so very deeply.

Growing up she often forgot our birthdays. As an adult holidays with her are non existent. She makes huge plans with neighbors, friends, and boyfriends yet her children are as a rule ignored. So when I had a milestone birthday last week, why did I get my hopes up that she would care?

The pity party I would throw for myself was already in full swing. I woke up that morning knowing my phone would not ring. I checked it continuously waiting for that call that wouldn't come. I tortured myself with this ridiculous wanting of attention from my mother who I knew didn't care. I reveled in the anger and made it my identity. After all, I was entitled to feel neglected right?

I was so busy building this fury against my mother all day that it blinded me to the love that actually surrounds me.

I got a text from my aunt wishing me a happy birthday. I continued my sadness. My grandmother sang Happy Birthday to me from behind the closed bathroom door while she sat on the toilet. I laughed, but still chose to wallow in self pity.
Then my sister showed up to my house with a bouquet of flowers and card in hand. As I read the card I began to cry.

The words were kind and loving. As she stood there patiently waiting for me to finish reading I realized how wrong I had been. I spent the entire day feeling like I had earned this sorrow, I wore it like a badge of honor. When all I was really doing was choosing NOT to accept the abundance of love in my life. I cheated myself. No one ruined my day but ME.

Lesson learned... Until my mom pisses me off again. lol.