This evening I reckon that I should eat at least something for my supper because I am fearing to lose some weight. Losing some weight is a big issue because I do not want the real body mass to get replaced with fluids because it is only at dialysis that I can adjust my weight and I am in no way what is my exact body weight without excess water.
I am just relying on my blood pressure and my own feeling what at dialysis into what really is my exact weight because if blood pressure falls sometimes it means that most of your excess water had been drawn out already.
Also you can feel it with your skin which is starting to wrinkle-out, the eyes getting deep set, the voice getting hoarse, and the ear drums collapsing inward due to the head's contents getting shriveled and thus pulling the ear drums in like that feeling you get with your ears if you are going up in a higher elevation like a mountain.
I am just relying on those factors to find where or what my real weight is, the weight where I do not have excess water. So if I would lose a real body mass it is just hard to determine again or adjust because I will not really know if I did lose a real body mass or not.
That is why I just make it a point to eat and often to just force myself to eat to avoid some problems for my overall well-being. It is unfortunate that my parents really are not good cooks and it adds to my difficulty in eating considering that I am currently suffering from an appetiteloss.
My parents also cooks the same foods everyday and the variety is very limited. I did tried to ask my mother to cook me the specific foods but it all ended-up in a botched job and I never asked her to cook those recipes again.
I really do not want to always order foods from outside because of the CoViD scare so I am just sacrificing a lot just to survive every single day so that I can see the light of another day which for me I think is pointless because I could not enjoy my days anyway.
I am just praying that my life would get a turnaround into a much better life near normalization. I am not longing for anything but to just experience life like a normal human being. Right now it is very hard to live, much expenses, much pain, much worries, and all that. So I pray to God to give me more inner strength and more people who would pray and love me because I needed all that in these vulnerable times of my life.