Deadspace takes a vacation to the ICU! (Or, my stay in Hellraiser II: Electric Boogaloo)

What's up, gamers. I've just recently gotten home from a wonderful trip to the ER that resulted in me being admitted and sent up to the cardiovascular unit/ICU, and boy oh boy, is my penis dilapidated as fuck from this experience. I've never had to be fully hospitalized before this, I've had a few ER trips that resulted in me being there for 5-10 hours, but nothing beyond that. I can definitely say now that hospitals are depressing as fuck, and that I felt like being there for those 3 days was basically like living in the hospital from Hellraiser II. I mean, if you're into needles and torture and shit though then you'd probably be sodden with moisture, but that's beyond the point here. 

If you're wondering what was going on, let me tell you. I pulled a muscle in my back or something (Seriously, I feel like even at 26 years old I'm already an old man. If I jump over something higher than 2 centimeters I'm god damn guaranteed to shatter my ankles I bet.) and had been dealing with some severe back pain for a few days prior to my ER trip. I kept trying to just deal with it at home and walk it off, but it wasn't happening. I slept for about 10 hours over a 3 day period because I couldn't be comfortable laying down or sitting, and the pain when I bent over or twist myself was a solid 9/10. I then started getting other odd symptoms, such as dizziness, nausea, chills, and a few other things. That shit prompted me to finally go over to the ER thinking I probably just needed some muscle relaxers or maybe some hairy old dude to milk my prostate. But, instead I ended up getting some weird/bad news. 

Apparently when they checked my blood they found an enzyme/protein called troponin which was elevated pretty high. Normal levels of that protein are around 0.00-0.04, but apparently my body said fuck those pussy numbers are pumped mine up to 0.17 instead. Troponin is usually almost always released only when your heart has been injured or in the process of being diseased or dying. To give you an idea, if your troponin levels in the blood are above 0.40, it often means you're having a heart attack. So, you know, clearly you'd be feeling pretty god damn good. Anyways, the ER doctor decided to basically pop his head into my room, tell me my heart was probably dying then skadoodle the fuck outta there without letting me ask anything or even really say anything. Exactly what you want in a doctor. 

As you can imagine, my penis retracted fully up into my asshole and then decided to implode and create a portal to the shadow realm where the ER doctors could banish me. I guess that'll teach me for no believing hard enough in the heart of the cards. After being admitted, all the wonderful testing begun. The amount of tests I had to do was ridiculous, and if I didn't have any health insurance I would have been turbo fucked. We're talking 3 x-rays, 2 CT scans, an echo cardiogram, an EKG, blood work every 4-6 hours and a urine test. I especially loved the CT scans, where they inject you with a solution that makes you feel like you're pissing your pants. All the testing was just greeeaaat. 

And, because of all this testing I had to do I got some more great news during my stay. I wasn't allowed to eat because of the testing, which normally wouldn't be a big deal since it's 8 hours of fasting. However, I hadn't eaten since 11am on Wednesday, and they were not letting me eat or drink anything until 7pm on Thursday. So, not only were these god damn vampires stealing my blood every few hours, but I couldn't have anything in my body for over a 24 hour period. You know, besides FUCKING NEEDLES, MAN. And, to make things even worse I probably slept about 60 minutes the first 36-38 hours I was admitted. So, the culmination of no sustenance, constant needles and testing, my anxiety and lack of sleep basically made me into a slug man where I was rubbing my genitals on the ground and finger blasting my dickhole. Well, maybe not exactly that, but I wasn't too far off. 

So, what was I doing while I was waiting for my test results? Lets show you a bit: Here's the room where I was bedridden for about 3 straight days. 

I will say this, I got really fucking lucky that I got a private room. I'm assuming because I was in the ICU, but it was a small positive. Well, except for the constant screaming I kept hearing coming from other patients down the hall, further enforcing the whole "I now live in Hellraiser 2, this is my life" thing. I basically spent all my time sitting in a bed feeling ill, having to go piss into a weird container that looked like it should store mustard, being stabbed/pumped full of medicine. tested and had to watch cable TV, which I had honestly forgotten how truly abysmal cable TV is. I think I would rather watch a man have sex with a pile of dirt while two large hillbillies pour soda over their naked bodies in the background and do Fortnite dances or some shit than have to watch normal TV again for 3 days. 

And, after all this shit what ended up happeing to good old Deadspace? Well, the doctors came back and told me that my heart was perfectly normal and fine...Yeah, weren't expecting that were you you god damn troglodytes. But, yeah. Turns out the doctors have no fucking idea what is wrong with me. After all those tests, all they could tell me is that my heart is fine and they're stumped and can't figure out why my troponin levels are so high. Apparently two of the doctors and the nurses had never had someone with a case like mine. So, that was...fun. On one hand, at least my heart isn't all fucked up. On the other, apparently my body is some sort of mutant CHUD body or something. Their best guess was that between my pulled muscle and my everyday anxiety and depression, I'm just slowly wrecking my body. Fuck yeah, that's the god damn news I want to hear. 

After all this shit, I finally got the news that I was going to be going home. Holy shit, did I get a big fat hard on at hearing that news. I was ready to twist my own nipples and suck on the nearest door handle in happiness after hearing that. But, instead, the hospital, and maybe just life in general, decided to fuck me one last time before I could go. They decided to give me some aspirin before I could leave, which I was hesitant about due to my allergies to other NSAID drugs such as ibuprofane and Naproxen  sodium. Yep, turns out I'm just as allergic to fucking ASPIRIN AS IAM ALL THE OTHER SHIT. Seriously, why can't life at least give me a courtesy lick before it's getting ready to fuck me? Sooo, I had to wait another 3 hours for my body to chill out before I could leave, as my throat started swelling, my hands swelled up with hives and my tongue started getting some hives too for good measure. 

Oh, and another good part I almost forgot during the last day of my stay. My IV port got all fucked up, and started bleeding again and again. I even made sure to snap some pictures for you guys, so you could maybe touch yourself to my misery! I know I would rub the tip of my penis onto a coffee table looking at these pictures! (NSFW warning)

I didn't snap a picture of the needle, but it was around 2-2.5 inches long, and holy shit did it feel uncomfortable for the 10 or so hours where it kept bleeding around the site. I dunno if it was because of the blood thinners they had me on, or what happened. but holy shit this sucked the most dry of mummified asshole. 

So, there we go. There was a short little rant about my wonderful time over the past week, and how I probably won't be posting much or doing shit over the next few days because I still feel like a chewed up scrotum. I just figured I'd write about the experience, as maybe it'd be a bit therapeutic or some shit. This was a very disorganized post and totally off the cuff, and I don't feel like editing it and trying to perfect it like I do my reviews and such. So, just enjoy it and stop being a fucking turbo virgin, you god damn whores. Anyways, I hope you all have been having a better time than me. Did I miss anything over the past week while I've been gone? Perhaps Bernie posting some spread eagle nudes, maybe a new Steem Monsters card that depicts furries dancing and having an orgy over some whales?

Later, doods.