Insomnia, Dark Thoughts and Counseling

“You don’t really know me,
you only know the person I choose for you to see”
(Me)

I want to say that this is only part of a true story about my life and journey on this Earth. Please be respectful and it is never my intent to offend anyone.

I’ve been up since 3 am. Another night/ morning of insomnia. I experience insomnia almost nightly. I either can’t get to sleep or wake up at some point and can’t fall back to sleep. Some of the medications I take now for pain, actually, help me fall asleep but I don’t take them for that reason. I think my main sleeping problem is my mind. I lay down and start thinking of things that I just shouldn’t think about. Things from my past, things that can’t be changed, things that I don’t know that I would even want to change if I could. To be honest, I’ve been a little depressed lately. I wish I could blame it all on the weather but I know it’s not that.

A while back I mentioned that I had found a good counselor in 2017. I’m going to share some things about why I’m going. I’ve gone back and forth on writing about this but maybe in writing about some of my experiences, it could in some way help others and maybe help me to let go of some of these things. I also thought of doing this in parts but I think it best to just put (some of but not all of) it out there and maybe not go into every detail. I’ve written and rewritten this many times and chickened out in posting and it still scares me to put this personal stuff out there but I believe it is what my soul is wanting me to do. First off, I’m a worrier and I know that in itself sounds like no big deal but I’ve been a compulsive worrier from the time I was a small child. My parents had nine children so it was seldom that they went out or spent a night away from home. I was probably six or seven years old when they went out for an overnight trip, out of town and they were late coming home. I don’t even know why I worried about that but I do remember sitting by the window, in the front of the house, crying because I was so worried. My older sister would play a game and say that they would be home within the next ten cars that came down the road. So I would count and they weren’t in those ten cars so she would say in the next ten cars and this went on till I finally fell asleep.

The window at my parents house.

The next morning they were home and I do remember they said that they were in the mountains and the fog was so bad that they feared driving off the side of the mountain. If my husband or kids are out and late to get home then they know to call because they know how much I worry. If I hear a siren then my mind will automatically go to the worst case scenario. Once, when I heard a siren, my daughter called and said “mom, I knew you would be worrying, we were in an accident and the siren is for us (her and two friends) but we are okay”. I even worry about worrying! Some people say you can create what you think and I know that is possible so that just perpetuates the worrying. I also put a lot of guilt on myself. I know deep down it is not rational thinking but I can be my own worst enemy sometimes. I have a tendency to beat myself up over even little things or things I don’t even have control over.

I don’t sleep well and really never have. I was sick as a child but outgrew whatever was going on with me at about third grade. School (deep breath) is the hardest truth to tell. I went to a Catholic school and was bullied for eight years. To be precise it was every day, beginning with my very first day in first grade and continued every day that I was there for eight years. It was by other students and a couple of teachers. I’m not talking about just name calling as it was also physical abuse. I never understood why this was happening but one of my sisters said it was because my oldest sister picked on the wrong person whose family was big in the church. I do know that my oldest three siblings had the least of the abuse. One day in first grade I had a third grade boy slam my head against a concrete wall and the third grade teacher just said “you’ll live”. Well, I guess she was right as I’m still here. This same third grade teacher was an abusive person. I found out a few years ago that she abused several students to the point of scarring them. Physical scars and I know this is true because I witnessed something she did that I still lay awake in bed and think about. I was in third grade and it was the last day of school and one of the boys (one of the nice kids) was out for the day. At the end of the school day we were all getting ready to leave and most had left when this boy came to the window and waved. I guess he was waving goodbye for the end of the school year. The teacher told him to come in and by this time it was only the teacher, myself and another kid still in the classroom. So, the boy came in and this teacher grabbed him by the hair and was swinging him around the room to the point that his legs were hitting desks. He was crying and I was frozen in shock. When she saw me, she yelled at me to get out. I ran out and I never saw that boy again. I guess his mother pulled him out of that school. I still think about that boy and wonder what became of him. I remember and still see it all as if it were yesterday. The abuse went on and never let up. It was bad to the point that as an eight year old, I developed thoughts of suicide. Yes, eight year olds do have thoughts like that! Luckily, I had my other siblings for support. Myself and some sisters were also constantly, approached on the way home by kids who thought it was fun to try to physically harm us. I can say that we were all pretty fast..we had to be! Two episodes I will tell you about but there were many more. One year, two boys in my class would wait for us on the way home and try to harm us and while most days we got away this day was different. They got ahold of my youngest sister and were going to hurt her, when I tried to intervene one of the boys took his heavy bookbag and tried to slam in down onto my back. I was able to move away just in time and grabbed my sister and we took off. There was a phone booth on the way home and I wanted so badly to call the police but instead we went to one of the boys houses. His mother answered the door and as we stood there crying, told her what was happening. She was very kind and said she would take care of it. Back then kids had fear because parents when they took care of something like that it meant the switch or the belt. What I didn’t know at the time was that this boys father was a policeman. I don’t know what happened that night but from the next day on, that boy and his friend left us alone. He didn’t even speak to me which I was thankful for. Another episode was when a girl in school had her older brother and his friend approach me on my way home. This day I was by myself and they threatened me and had me against a concrete bridge wall. I wrestled my way loose and took off up a hill, then down the hill and right in front of a car. That car screeched and turned sideways to avoid hitting me. It must have scared them too as they and the girl never bothered me after that. One of my older sisters, recently, told me she remembered that and tried to wait for those boys the next day and was going to beat them up. I believe she could have and would have. She is the one in the family that you don’t want to mess with. Anyway, she said they never came by where she was waiting.

This physical and mental abuse went on for eight years. We never told our parents how bad it truly was but some things we did tell and they would say to just ignore the abusive kids. Mind you, not all the kids were abusive but the ones that weren’t never spoke up for what was going on. I did have one boy a few years ago apologize for what happened all those years ago. In eighth grade myself and my three younger sisters went to one of the priests to ask for help and his exact words were “I don’t believe Catholic children would do these things” and “I don’t believe you”. Seriously, he was calling us liars. He said this as a priest in the same parish was abusing boys! I believe he knew about it too. That priest was eventually charged and is no longer a priest. The day that he called us liars was the day I turned my back on the Catholic church but I never turned my back on God! If you are Catholic or any religion then I respect that but I have come to accept that organized religion is just not for me. I do consider myself Spiritual though and I do believe in God and prayer!

Anyway, I always felt like I never belonged in this world. Maybe my soul is too sensitive. My siblings and I have had many experiences with the paranormal which my parents have as well (I may do other posts about that another time). I do feel like the “THE HAND OF GOD” has saved me a few times in my life. I’ve had four serious instances where I probably could have died and yet by some miracle I’m still here. It’s hard though as I lay awake and think of these things. I know I can’t change anything and I accept that these things had to happen to bring me to where I am today which I am okay with. Things could have been better but they also could have been a lot worse. I still get depressed sometimes and I still have those bad thoughts that started when I was only eight years old. I would never do anything as I would not want to do that to my family and that is not an example I want to leave with my children but the thoughts still linger. Life is hard but you try to deal with it and keep going. So, these are some of the things I was seeing a counselor about and more. I, honestly, don’t know if it’s helped as like clockwork I lay awake thinking. It has helped me to open up more about what I and my siblings went through though.

In accepting that my past brought me to where I am today, I’ve let go of the hate I had for some of those people but the memories are always there. I think I could have become a horrible person but I know that I’m not and I thank my family for that mostly and God. In your life, people may try to bully and hurt you but I think they really must dislike themselves more. I also believe that they will have to account for things they did in life when they die. Those people are not worth you hurting yourself over and if you have thoughts of harming yourself then please seek help. Talk to your parents, family, friends or even a school counselor. Someone told me recently that he never figured out his purpose in life and I’ve often agreed that I too never quite figured that out but maybe our purpose in life is not so much about us but how we affect other people in our life. I try to always treat people the way that I would like to be treated. I’ve also tried to instill that in my children. I guess I just need to not be so hard on myself sometimes. When I start to worry now, I will try to talk my way through it and I think I’m making a little progress with the anxiety I experience with that. The laying awake thinking too much is another story. Maybe opening up and talking about it will help get me out of this residual loop that I’ve been in. I remain hopeful! This is a little more about me that makes me who I am. I like to play jokes, have a good laugh and tell funny stories but I also have times when I get down and depressed too. It’s the part of me that I don’t show too often but is still there!

This is a plaque that three dear friends made for me after my mom passed away. It hangs above the front door of my home as a reminder. You never know what someone may be going through in their life or has gone through. Just a reminder to be humble and treat others with kindness!

Love and Light to you!!