Goodbye

30 years later, here I am waiting again at the airport. Not waiting to be greeted by a dead body but waiting to greet a dead body somewhere. It's sad why I didn't get to hear what they have to say. No last words or anything. I want to know what was on their minds. And I hate my mind. I wish there's a way out of its torment now.

I'm curious if there are any words left unsaid. For me, for my sister. My sister called me yesterday and told me that she found mum in our house, not moving. Alone and cold. She told me she was fine the other day as she was bringing her some medicines. Her death shocked us to the core. I don't know how to deal with this familiar grief and loss anymore. Too many deaths in the family now.

Just like that, I felt that everything becomes meaningless. Everything. Without the people that should have loved you and you should have loved. I've always wanted to give them a good life. A life free from worries and pain.

All these years, I was trapped in the trauma of hurt and unforgiveness. You hurt the ones you love. You hurt the ones who hurt you. You suffer more. We loved each other at some point until poverty and loneliness had taken its toll. Things change when you don't have what you need.

All I wanted is to be loved by her. To be taken care of. To be sheltered and pampered just like everyone else. I am a 35-year old child waiting for a father and mother. Trapped in the past. I wanted a normal life. A normal home. Where I get to come home during weekends to tell about what happened in my life, or during Christmas and New Years for the whole family to get together, or simply just to have a home to run into when life becomes unbearable.

But life is unbearable. Life is hard. I know it myself. I know it from her. She didn't remarry or anything. She had lived through it all. She was alone all her life. It is the loneliness that makes this life so unbearable. She was not supposed to die yet. I could have contributed to her healing. I wanted to make a lot of money for all of us. A good life for all of us. I wanted to move them out of the hopeless existence. I was trying to hasten everything just so I could be useful. But in this life, there's no waiting anymore. Tell people now if you love them or hate them before it's too late. Before you get engulfed in your own guilt and pain. Before it becomes a slow, painful death.

Honestly, I don't know how to move on from here. I wish I could leave this country. I wish I could bear the sorrow and regret. I wish I could go away too.

I'm trying to have the courage to face everyone in the clan today. And all the realities. The lack of proper healthcare. The lack of free medicine. The funeral expenses. The pain of dying and the cost of it. My lack of care. Me not being there. But all I know is that my mum is free from the pain of sickness and loneliness. If there is really an afterlife, I hope she is with my Dad now.