I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone.
― Audrey Hepburn
I blogged about my aloneness many times in the past. Sometimes I celebrate it and sometimes I don't. This time though, I have mixed feelings about it, brought about by circumstances. And my own choices in life.
You know me guys. I am totally fine with just being on my own. I've been living this journey for years. There are ups and downs along the way but still, I live. Because it is beautiful to exist and witness the beauty of our world. Such a waste not to notice the details around us.
I spend the rest of my free time doing stuff I enjoy. Blogging, cooking, reading, walking. Or just simply living. Just simply breathing and feeling each moment. Every day is unique.
I think I've reached this maximum comfort at this point in my life. And being alone for me is comfort. I can't really say that I am happy being alone, I still long for meaningful connection. But I guess, I am meant to have just 1 or 2 meaningful friends in my life. I find it difficult to be myself with other people as I get older.
I just like my own company these days. Feeling peaceful and free. I feel like I will do anything to defend this level of comfort and freedom.
I've had romantic relationships in the past but they were not for me. I was clinging on to the same choice patterns. Being an empath, I attract mostly toxic narcissists. A friend of mine told me that I need to break this pattern and start choosing someone who actually cares about me.
Okay, perhaps in time, I will choose someone. Someone right for me. But right now, I am comfortably alone. Not lonely, just peaceful.
I'm happy to have a few friends I can talk to regularly. Now with my cat, I am content with how I designed my current life. I mean there are still so many things lacking. Things that my heart truly desires. But those things will come soon. Right now I just need to live. Right now.
The past few months I felt vulnerable. Vulnerable in a way that I attract unwanted attention. A woman living alone in a place full of people who love being with other people. Imagine that. Imagine how abnormal I am here. Honestly, this is the only time that I hate being alone.
Maybe I am just in the wrong place. The island is all about community living, sharing, and caring. I grew up in a city where people tend to be individualists. I prefer minding my own business, sticking to my close friends, and taking care of myself first. Yes, I am selfish. In a good way. So, you can just imagine how living on this island has been pretty challenging for me over the years.
I realized that even though I crave connection and community, some things just won't change. I am surrounded by people who constantly want to make me feel like there's something wrong with being Me. Like something wrong with being alone. It can be hellish, this life, at times.
My number one anxiety trigger is when I suddenly get unwanted attention, and of all places, right here at home where I supposed to feel safe. And it is not even how I look, it is just the fact that I am living alone. A potentially vulnerable target. This is the only time I wish someone could protect me. The only time I wish I am not alone. And pretend that I am not strong...
It's like my peace gets ruined in an instant. And I start dwelling on negativity. Good thing I am aware.
Honestly, I don't know anymore how to protect my peace. Some people just wouldn't get it. And it is causing me anxiety. People.
I think it is still too early for PMDD, but here I am having sporadic thoughts again. Sigh.
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