G'day Steemteem,
So, my ex is hanging out with a guy she is just friends with but that she kind of likes, because she kind of likes, and I don't have any negative thoughts about any of it or him, in my thoughts my concern ends at her being safe and happy, the same concern I have for anyone else
But then there are the parts of me that are not thoughts, last night I had the worst mental episode I have had in a long time, internally at least, I did not express any of it, which is an improvement from my screaming days a decade ago.
It was late, and I wanted to go get food, no big deal except I would have to cook so if they were asleep it would be a bother, they were asleep, and worse in the loungeroom (open area to the kitchen), no way to cook and not wake them up, and it was late, so simple enough, not like I'm starving, just hungry from my medication, no need to wake anyone up... Simple.
Well I thought it was simple, I get back in my room, shut my door and start having a panic attack, anxiety worse than public speaking plus being on the phone while in a crowded elevator, okay, do your breathing, you've got this Drak, nope, the voices started, I could hear them talking about me and laughing, but by what they were saying, joking that I wasn't even strong enough to cook myself food in my own house, I recognized that it was in my head, I mean I checked that they were asleep a few times and checked the sound level in my room on two microphones to be sure, so I was still deep into paranoia, but I had an okay handle on it.
Apart from the letting my paranoia make me check, I handled the situation better than I ever had, I do not know exactly what set it off, I really don't have a negative thought towards either of them, regrets with my ex sure, but no hate, I think it could be that when she got emotional she threatened the roof over my head, I have been homeless a few times, mostly when something like last night happens but I let it control me and start screaming nonsense, so it is a fear of mine.
This guy reminds me of me years ago, which made me look at myself and how I have changed. I saw mostly improvements, so I guess my confidence is increasing a little bit.
Thank you for letting me get this out somewhere.
-Drakahn
(
)
@originalworks
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
The @OriginalWorks bot has determined this post by @drakahn to be original material and upvoted it!
To call @OriginalWorks, simply reply to any post with @originalworks or !originalworks in your message!
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
I've been through the same - even to the point of stickking a steak knife into my chest, using lots of strength. The damn tip hit the bone and I can't tell you how damn angry I was that I bent the tip of the damn blade!
While I went through my suffering, I could sense like a part of me watching and it did not have a high opinion of myself. I ignored it, made many mistakes and then a day came when I realised I am suffering mostly because I feel I should be suffering; most of the pain was gone.
That is the important point, you can either start to live your life again, or carry on as you are.
I think I would have carried on, but I was in Athens and I took a walk up into Plaka, at night, had a bite to eat and walked around. At one of the open air clubs/tavernas, I heard an amazing voice and I realised she is not using a mike. I entered and just stared at her. She was still a teenager, short, very fat and her face covered with pimples. None of it mattered, for her voice was magic.
Decades later she is still a well known singer and still has an amazing voice, but she'll never know how hearing her on that first time she sang publicly, she touched someone and helped heal him.
I don't know what will heal you, but whatever it is, it will be that one thing that can - if you allow it.
As for being friends with your ex, agree with her to distance yourselves slightly and promise you'll return to be friends once it is not getting in the way of you healing and making a new life.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
i think you should move out asap! i did. i need house sitting and couch surfing for almost 3 months now and it is well worth it. great luck in 2018!!
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
I did a lot of that when I was younger, hell even early in our relationship, but we built a life here and it is half mine, I'm not moving until I know I where I am going is solid.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
i feel and hear ya! but maybe neither of you should invite people to sleep over. i dont know... that is tuff. blah! love! You will find your way! and voicing this out i am sure and hope it helps! stay focused on your dreams please!
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
This post has received a 1.04 % upvote from @drotto thanks to: @drakahn.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit