Braving The Great Outdoors

My patio furniture out back became a safe haven for some of the biggest most wicked brown and black widows I have ever seen in my life. [Trust me, they were big!] Spider poison was not doing it's job. I had disturbed their safe space. Invaded their territory. Their white spiky egg sacs from hell were releasing thousands of transparent-ish little babies. This was a War of the Worlds. One of the adult spiders came running for me. I grabbed a big stick to try and defend myself. He was too big to step on with my little foot and it was too risky to try. Are you following me? ULTIMATE PANIC! I am pretty sure that my neighbors thought I was getting attacked by an intruder! The fight went on. I stabbed left, he went right! Forward, back, left, right! This fucker wasn't giving up!

Everyone knows, that if you attempt to go after a spider, you better finish the job. Or they WILL hunt you down. They will come after you and take you out! He had to die. It was me, or his ugly ass. This was war!

We continued to dance this little dance for about a minute...(neighbors have popcorn at this point, im sure of it)

He runs toward my door and heads up the wall! "Oh faaaak no!" I thought... He'll make it in the door or window and then I'll have to burn the house down!

Bam! I made contact! I lifted my stick with a sigh of relief. But my stick came off of the spiders ass Like a Beach Ball! Spider butts are made of rubber, I'm convinced! He's vertical watching me as I start dry heaving... he's so big! I needed a new weapon.

And then I see it. My beautiful Zen Goa head. The sacrifice had to be made. My spiritual little dude was now a weapon of mass destruction. "Oh the hypocrisy" I exclaimed!

I won.. I proceeded to saturate the spiderlings in poison so that my family could live and enjoy our space once again. And just when I thought I had gained the success over my patio furniture, out came 5 of his other buddies...

And I still had one more chair and a table to go!!