Walls

For as long as I can remember I have had a suffering within myself that I never fully understood.
This suffering took many forms over the years and progressed from fields of anger, depression, sadness, resentment, disappointment, etc. Pretty much every negative word you could possibly think of rolled into nights of long sleep and tears. This article is one that I have wanted to write for a very long time but I have always been so hesitant to even put the words into one continuous thought. I was so scared to face the truth. Being terrified about what this revelation will do and how it will change me shakes me to my inner core and everything I thought about life is literally tossed out the window. Going through self-discovery is never easy, and accepting things about yourself that are not always a bed of roses is without a doubt one of the hardest things you have to go through. Especially if accepting who you are, means that a huge part of who you are comes from those who raised you.

One burning question that will forever haunt me with guilt is the question of love vs. hate. How can you love someone but in the same breath hate someone so much? The hate that I am writing about here is not the kind of hate you feel for the subway “sandwich artist” who forgets to put avocado on your sandwich. I mean who does that, who forgets one of the greatest gifts god gave to this earth on your sandwich?! The kind of hate that I write about here is the deepest burning, the type of burning that will leave scars on your heart and hatred in your soul. Many nights have been spent envisioning a world without this person, and the many ways that I would be different without him. How we all would be different without him. Maybe that is not the question I should be asking. Maybe I shouldn't be wondering what my life would be like without someone who has shaped me in many negative molds but out of this mold grew something beautiful.

The feelings of hate I mention date back to as far back as I can remember. Growing up I was a painfully shy girl who only spoke to as many people as I could count on one hand. Even then I was never really entirely honest or open with these individuals. My fear for life stemmed from a deeply rooted place of low self-esteem and never feeling good enough to accept the gifts we all desire. One emotion is at the forefront of my mind as I write this article, and this belongs to the feeling that I somehow deserved the treatment I received. In the case of many abuse victims we all believe in someway or another that we deserve the beatings and the words that sting like poison. The idea that we deserve those nights of constant yelling and backlash. This idea is bullshit.

Many years growing up it became the norm to just accept the abusive words that will forever be engraved in my soul. Words that led me to believe that I will never be good enough for another human being’s love, or worse I am not good enough to even be kind to myself and give myself love. The most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. Within the last few years, if I were to walk away with the most important lesson you could learn in life, it would be this one. The relationship you develop with yourself will drive every single relationship you have when in contact with another soul. That being said, this goes hand in hand with the most important role you will ever have to fill if you are lucky enough, that is being a parent. This role will be the most solemn role ever to be filled, you are bringing life into this world. Life that is completely new to suffering, love, joy, sadness, happiness, anger, destruction, confusion, LIFE. As a parent you will shape the foundation of how your children grow up and handle the tough acts of life and the tools they will need to survive the weather.

Giving that more thought it makes complete and clear sense to me now why growing up the way I did shaped who I am today..and who I continue to grow up to be. For so many years I dealt with the sadness. Trust me I had many ways of dealing, and most ways were just another branch to add to the abusive tree. Many moments in my life that I wish I could take back and trade for a different version of myself. I remember in high school a friend of mine was going through something similar so we would use each other as a means of support. However the support was definitely not the healthiest way to deal with our anger and sadness. Revealing this to the world is a huge deal and while I haven’t done this in many years its a part of my past and very much a part of this story. When we were both sad we would come home after school and compare the physical scars we would leave on ourselves from the night before and talk about why we were so upset. It could be a range of many different reasons, sometimes things that didn’t even make sense to commit such an act but it was our way of coping. When I think about doing that to myself of course it brings up many thoughts and I am extremely shaky right now even admitting this to the world. I can’t deny that it happened, for in doing so I would be lying to myself and not giving this story my all.

Have you ever visited the zoo and sometimes would see an animal lying there? You would have the thought, I wonder how this animal is feeling about being locked in a cage and how different this animal would act if it was free to roam. When I think about anger and how dormant it becomes over the many years of suppression this example comes to mind for me. Sometimes I will walk around and feel like that anger is still inside, still waiting to be released in a transcendent way. Not in an endangering way by any means. In a way however that would be the ultimate release, where from that moment those holes in my soul that have forever been filled with anger can be replaced with healing and love. It has taken me many years to realize that this feeling of release can come from no one else but myself. Forgiving the parts of myself I know exist, and they exist because of him. The parts that show themselves only in times of complete distress and anger where I feel unstoppable to the damage I could inflict on another soul. It hurts my heart and leaves me heavy with an open wound. That I could also be possible of inflicting the same pain I underwent for years onto someone else.

How do you deal with that understanding? How do you deal with that deep understanding of yourself and who you are? No fear. No hesitation. No resentment. Acceptance. A large part of myself is tired of waiting for things to change. To one day feel different about life and my past. A huge moment on this recent path of discovering these things about myself actually took place on a yoga retreat. We were all gathered together on the last day. Our teacher had a few questions written on the board and we were asked to journal about them. One of the questions was to write down one word to describe how we feel and in spite of that word how we would like to feel differently. We were asked this at the beginning of the retreat and at the very end. In the beginning I wrote words such as doubt and confidence. While these two words still have a significant meaning to who I would like to be they began to change over the course of this retreat.

One night in particular I remember class being extremely difficult. Even the most basic of poses for myself was just not happening. The room was hot and the sweat was dripping down. For the life of me I could not get my brain to shut off and the negative words were flowing like a river. Words such as you can’t do this, why am I even trying, it is way too hot in here, I am so ANGRY. I wanted to get up and throw my mat! I wanted to yell at my teacher and ask her why she was making us do this, what was the point? So when shavasana came my tears were heavy and I couldn't fight them. They rolled down my face and I could hear the sound each tear made as they hit the mat. From each tear grew more and more anger. Anger at myself for not completing the class how I wanted. Anger at myself for being angry with my yoga instructor. Angry with myself for feeling sad. Angry about being confused where this emotion even came from. Was I really mad at the practice? My anger came from a place of not feeling good enough, and whenever I feel this way I associate these feelings with abuse. I want nothing more than to hide away from the world and continue to destroy myself. So after class that is exactly what I did. I found a garden on the retreat and sat there for a few hours, crying from every orifice of my soul. Baring it all to some ants on the ground and a spider in the bush next to me. The negative talk continued to flow as I let myself fully cry in a way I have never done before. I felt completely alone.

In those moments I spent at the garden I quickly learned that this habit of self-hatred needed to end. I hate myself even thinking about having these moments in my life. I have lost so many friends in this respect having moments of complete isolation where I’m sure it confuses my friends on what to think or how to feel. I’m sure at some points they even take it personally that I am acting this way around them because of something they did or just plain angry with me that I am acting out. I know when these moments occur because they all look at me differently. The look is more painful than putting your contacts in hydrogen peroxide solution, then putting the contact in your eye thinking that solution is just like any other kind. Yes this moment happened. Perhaps this is the reason that I have never fully felt connected with another person. I keep myself at a distance because those miles mean everything. Keeping people at a distance is nothing more than a reaction to feel safe. The walls I have built around myself are thick with sadness, and it’s time those walls come down.