#7 Back to work and a bit overwhelmed

Snippets from September 6th, 2009 (2 months)

So I started work this week and I must say that I struggled quite a lot on Monday. I think it was just the fact that it was my first day back and a shock to my system. I have class from 3-4pm and then back to back from 5-9pm and there are just so many things to get and put back and copy and whatnot that I felt like I was spinning. I think one of the reasons it feels so tiring is the fact that there are so many new classes so they are low level and their English isn’t good – that immediately means you have to deal with classroom control and ways to keep their attention which takes so much energy. I’m sure that once I’m back in the swing of things, it’ll be easier.

On Monday when I got home, Stella was there and I just got home as it was time for her to leave. Jay was awake and rather fussy and would not sleep and didn’t want to eat and didn’t want to just be held, so I felt like I had all this planning to do for the next day and was holding a crying a baby and I just felt totally overwhelmed. When Greg came in the door, I just burst into tears. And I felt so guilty, too, which is ridiculous. I just think it stems from the fact that I’m such a perfectionist. I mean even when I first fell pregnant and was SO ill and couldn’t keep anything down and had to go on a drip, even then I was loathe to admit that I wasn’t exactly enjoying the pregnancy. It’s like I figured those who hadn’t been trying so hard could feel that way, but that if you had been desperate to be a mommy and longed for it and cried over each of the million negative tests, that you somehow weren’t allowed to have any negative thoughts or feelings and certainly weren’t allowed to complain when you got what you’d wanted. And even more so now that he is here. I mean it’s the baby! THE baby. The one I had dreamed of and longed for is finally here. Surely I should only be seeing sunshine and rainbows, right? How can I have days where I feel exhausted or just want to hand him over to Greg as soon as he walks in the door or feel like I want to run and hide away for a few hours? Sorry, not allowed for those who struggled to conceive?! Crazy logic, but it’s how I feel. I adore Jay and I am so, so thankful to have him. I would never choose to go back to being baby-less and still trying to conceive, but now that he is here I do have to stop beating myself up for simply being human and having moments when I feel it’s hard.

On a kind of funny note, though, the kids that knew me before were very happy to see me and eager to see pictures of Jay. I showed them all pictures and gave them some candy. One of the students shouted out when they saw me for the first time. I was standing on the other side of the hallway and he shouted, “Teacher Emily, you are not fat anymore!”

On Friday night when Greg got back from work, we enjoyed a glass of wine together whilst watching Friends. Jay sat on my lap and bounced. Then he fell asleep at around 11pm and at 12 Greg brought out my birthday presents. He’d asked me what I wanted and I’d told him that I needed a new handbag, but I told him not to buy me an expensive one. As you know, I haven’t worked in the last 3 months so he has had to foot most of the bills. Of course, this is Greg we are talking about, and the man loves to spoil me so he didn’t listen to me at all! In fact, he bought me two beautiful handbags. But, I have to say he has wonderful taste and they are absolutely gorgeous. They came in this beautiful big box that was covered in stars and tied up with a big blue ribbon and a gold bow. It was funny, though, because I told Greg that I don’t even care that I’m over 30 because I feel like I have everything I ever wanted. I don’t mean that I have no goals, I just mean that I feel so grateful for the things I do have – a wonderful husband and a baby. I remember my last birthday and how sad I felt because we’d been trying for so long and it hadn’t happened yet and I wondered if it ever would… All I wished for on that day was a baby and now I have one! So, we put Jay in the box and took a picture of me opening it and acting surprised. Haha!

I went out for breakfast with Annie this morning which was lovely and Jay was awake a lot of the time, but he didn’t cry at all. He smiled for Annie quite a few times and kept grabbing at her watch. He is definitely becoming more aware of his hands and wants to touch and grab things. You know that green butterfly toy? Well, last night he was holding it all on his own and bringing it right up to his mouth or giving it a shake. Also, when I bottlefeed him now, he wants to hold his hands right near the bottle himself so it’s quite a mission because often he knocks it right out of his mouth. I either have to try and hold his hands out the way or arrrange them around the bottle. Sometimes he is good, though, and will grasp my thumb and finger on each side. It’s very cute. Also, he is smiling a lot now and you just have to talk to him and he’ll give you one. Actually, yesterday was the first time we heard the beginning of a laugh. It was very short and sudden, but accompanied the smile and was so adorable. We still haven’t managed to capture it on film, though, but I’m sure we will soon enough. If we stand with him in front of a mirror, he just stares at himself for a long time. When Stella saw him on Monday she said that she’d noticed a change in just two days. I also think he has filled out more, like he has more baby fat now – his thighs, arms and cheeks are quite chubby.

Speaking of the cute little monkey, he is sleeping in my arms at the moment. Every time I put him in his swing he starts waking up and crying, but in my arms he falls right back to sleep. Oi!

Greg is having a nap at the moment, but when he wakes up he is going to go to the baby store and buy the Fisher-Price Rainforest Jumperoo. It’s a little bit expensive, but Jay just wants to jump all the time. Now if I do his “exercises” with him and he holds my thumbs and I pull him into a sitting position, I don’t even have to pull hard. He uses his muscles to pull himself up, but he also wants to pull himself up into a standing position from that position. And when he has tummy time, he holds his head up and rests on his elbows. We just think the jumperoo will provide hours of fun for him without having our arms fall off. They don’t sell the doorway ones here, but they do have some on eBay. I was thinking of buying one because they’re so much cheaper, but then we decided that this one was more exciting, safer and better because we can actually move it from room to room and he won’t have to be in a doorway facing in one direction constantly. In the jumperoo, the seat revolves 360 degrees and there are toys and interactive things all around the “console” so I think that is quite nice. Hopefully, if we ever do decide to have a second baby (ha ha Greg will die if he even hears me say that, but of course I mean way, way in the future) then hopefully we’ll get even more use out of it.

Okay, let me be off. The wriggle-pot has awoken.

Lots of love

Em x