Seriously. One day I was on the edge of committing suicide. I want to tell you why and why I didn’t.
First of all, I’d like to tell you why I am writing it to you, steemers, of all people. Of course, I have my family and friends and they would have helped if they knew. But if I tell them, they will be worried despite of the fact it happened a few years ago.
I’ve told anyone about it but I feel that I can tell you because writing a post on steemit is like telling no one and everybody at the same time. Steemers can read and comment but their reaction never follows you into your daily life.
So that’s how it happened.
Two years ago my boyfriend broke up with me. It is the same old story: he told me he never loved me though we had been dating for two years already.
At first, I believed it was some kind of joke because his revelation came on April, 1. But after a few days I understood that he had no second thoughts about it. We were done, that’s it.
But I would not accept it as a given. There had been times when I myself was thinking about leaving him, but as soon as he left there was nothing in the world that would be more important than his feelings for me.
I cut my hair short to get a fresh start, got alcohol problems and cursed like a sailor which was new for me.
My plan was to seduce him. When I failed, I thought we should be friends. I believed that possibility to talk to him from time to time will help me to make it through. But he was already so tired of me that he would not give it a try.
It was getting worse every day.
After two months of depression I found myself on the roof of a tower-block. A friend’s apartment was there, so I knew how to get in. Besides, I knew that the door to the roof was open.
So I was standing there, looking at the earth that was 22 stores apart and thinking if I really was going to do this.
You should know that I do not believe in God so nothing stopped me from this perspective.
But suddenly, like a flash, I got an image of our world in my mind. The world seemed to be a tower of Babel where every person was a brick. And the whole humanity was standing together to make the walls solid so that the tower would not fall.
And then I imagined that a brick (me) falls. I was 99%-sure that the world won’t see the difference. The tower would not fall without me. But I felt sorry to spoil such a perfect construction by falling. So I did not jump. I decided that my reason to live is to make the world complete and beautiful.
BTW, that boyfriend was not worth suicide at all. In a year I found a person who appreciated me more. And I believe it happens to everyone who makes an effort to live a little longer.