Anxiety

I just woke up, couldn't sleep that well, my anxiety kicked in right before I went to bed.

It is so bad to have all the worst thought running all over and over your head, and there's nothing you can do about it. I probably went to sleep at almost 3am, I really don't know what was the exactly time to be honest.

Woke up countless times throughout the dawn until I wake up at 6am and had a hard time breathing and with my heartbeats running fast (anxiety attack). Now it's 10:20am, I managed to calm down and sleep for a bit more, and then, as I knew today would be a hard day, I just accepted it and remembered that I'd upload my diary by here, so here I am !

Well, I had/have(idk) a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) with a girl from Slovenia. We spent some really amazing 10 months together, then things started to be weird, until a day that she couldn't bare the need of caring and affection and she cheated on me in a party with friends. She told me that she got drunk and she was so repent of what she did. We talked about it on the phone, crying a lot.

But I kinda understood what happened, but then she said that she was confused because she never had a LDR before, and it didn't feel for her like a real relationship, and then my anxiety and depression started kicking in again.

This happened last month, at our anniversary (10 months together). What a great gift I got huh ?

Anyways, we still talk pretty much everyday, but she's now focusing on her studies and said that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now because that would make her even more confused on what she wants on her life. I understand that at out age (18 and 21) things don't make as much sense as we wanted to know. So I'm giving her her time to focus on her stuff, and find out what she really wants to do with her own life.

But then, today, it was getting worse, because I know tomorrow she's going to a metal concert in Vienna, until there, nothing special. 

Less by the fact that the guy that she cheated on me is going to be there aswell, so you guys try to get how my mind is running right now, I'm completely messed up today, I'm actually shaking to write this text on the keyboard, and all the image of that happening again is haunting me. I try to put thoughts like "she's not yours anymore, let her do what she wants to do", but it doesn't help much, because my brain so reply my like "Hm, so she definetely is going to get along with him again".

I just want to hit my head at something and faint, so at least I could have a break on this thoughts (again, a really bad pun)

I'm restless today and probably tomorrow is going to be a really tough day to bare, I don't even know if I'm going to write tomorrow, I might not feel good even to stand up from bed and eat, actually, I also don't feel like eating today, I'm already nauseous and bad.

I don't know how long this novel will take, I hope we can figure out what we want to do, if we're going to be together again ? No one knows.

I just know that I gave myself 100% for her, and for someone that normally doesn't even open up to his own family, try to understand me and know how much she means to me.

I'm completely broken and I don't know how my day is going to be, I'm the worst person right now to try to talk to. Just hope that I don't lose my mental sanity tomorrow, or even today.

Well, this is just what's happening with me by now, since I went to sleep until now that I woke up.

Let's hope that I don't freak out.

Hope You guys are having a day better than mine !