I am writing this now because it is kind of therapeutic for me to put what is going on in my life into words on a screen. Perhaps some others out there have made a similar mistake in their lives and have some sort of stories they can share in return.
I am not going to put any real names in this because it is not my intention to hurt anyone or shame anyone. All I know is that I now find myself in a bad state mentally and it is because of my own actions that things are like this.
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Short backstory: I lived with a woman for about a year but all of a sudden on a trip out of Vietnam to visit her mother, she decided that she wasn't going to come back. Previous to this there seemed to be little to nothing wrong with our relationship and a lot of people commented about how they were envious of it since her and I never argued and always seemed to get along. It really came out of nowhere that she decided to leave and as tough as I try to pretend to be, it affected me very badly. It took me a very long time to simply be able to function normally and there were a lot of pills involved.
Moving forward to about a month ago, I got word from her that she was moving back to Da Nang, Vietnam - which is where I live and where we lived together. She asked me for help doing so and right then and there is when I should have just cut off communication, said no, and walked away.
I didn't physically help her move in or anything but I did provide her with links to apartments and places to hang out. I also met up with her for dinner once. It wasn't meant to be nor was it a romantic situation. I was convinced I would just say hello and leave it at that. Things have changed quite a lot since that day. Even though it was ill advised I introduced her to some of my friends and now she is at least somewhat interested in being part of the gang. I don't have a ton of friend because there really aren't that many expats in Da Nang. Therefore, there is a good chance that I am going to end up seeing her in public and because she is young(ish) and single she is going to be dating.
By accident she went on a Tinder date with someone that I know. He didn't know she was my ex and even though she is my ex and she of course is allowed to date anyone that she wants to, I don't want to hear about it. The friend apologized to me but honestly, he doesn't need to. He didn't betray our friendship, he had no idea who she was. My ex is also innocent in this because she had no idea that he was a friend of mine either. This is how small this community is with the expats. No matter who you go on a date with, there is a really good chance that you have mutual friends in between.
Now none of this would bother me if I didn't know about it but people love to gossip so I end up hearing about stuff. I don't go out of my way to spy on her but now she lives here in the same city as me and sometimes when she needs help with something, she will contact me. I really shouldn't help her and when we are around one another the situation is quite awkward. I know that I cannot be friends with someone who burned me like this and I believe it is foolish for other people to think that this is possible. I suppose it could work if both of the exes were in new and happy relationships but even then I don't think it is at all appropriate to be hanging out with someone that you used to have sex with.
Matters took a turn for the even worse when one day she contacted me around noon and told me that she needed a recommendation for a hospital because she was in a motorbike accident the night before and needed stitches. I had seen her the night before around midnight and I was about to go home. While I was not telling her how to live her life I could see that she was quite drunk and because I know her very well and know how she is when she is drunk, I advised her to go home. I even offered to call her a taxi.
The bar we were in is my local place and is a popular place with many of the expats here. However, I almost always choose to go home around midnight because I am very aware of what goes on in this particular place and I was telling her "nothing good happens in this place after midnight."
She was having a good time and I guess decided to stick around. Again, this is none of my business.
Well as it turns out she was in a motorcycle crash when she was riding with some random guy she met in there and they were headed to his place to do... you know what.
Even though this again is none of my business and she can do whatever she wants with her life she was not like this when I met her years ago. She was not a slut that would hook up with someone that she had just met a few hours before. I guess she is now.
While in an ideal world this wouldn't bother me I'm afraid it is not an ideal world and even though her and I haven't been a couple for years, this is not information that I like to hear about. I also find it extremely inconsiderate on her part to contact me for help on this when a big part of the equation is the fact that she was on her way to sleep with someone. Giving that information to an ex is just mean. Is she doing it on purpose to try to hurt me because if so it is working. I am hurt by this, a LOT.
To make things even worse it turns out that the guy who crashed the bike is someone that I actually know and see on a regular basis. He is considered to be one of the biggest fuckups in the entire community. He is regularly seen passed out at a bar, sometimes after having pissed his own pants.
While I don't think my ex deserves any sort of sympathy here she is now covered in road rash and she has the added benefit that the very small expat community, should people decide to talk about it, is going to think she is an easy slag.
This will be entirely deserved on her part if it does happen but because I am a nice guy, probably too nice of a guy, I found a way to get in touch with all of the people that know about this and asked them to please keep this under wraps. Other people don't need to know about this and while the guy who crashed the bike's reputation is already garbage, her name can be tarnished overnight as well because of it.
The thing that really bothers me the most is that before I left the bar she had a "heart to heart" with me about how she feels as though the clock is ticking on her life and she would really like to get married and have kids. She wasn't necessarily saying that she wanted this with me but to go from wanting to be a housewife to sleeping with someone that she literally met an hour earlier seems to be a contradiction of objectives.
All of this would be fine and dandy if she lived in a different city or country than I do because I wouldn't ever even hear about it. The fact that it is happening where I live and I have to hear about it is because she might actually be doing this on purpose to make me jealous. In the end, it is ultimately my own fault because I ALLOWED her back into my life when I should have just said that I don't think it is a good idea for her to be in my life at all.
I'd like to say that the lesson has been learned and I am not going to do anything else with her but I think that this trail of tears has only just begun. I am going to try to be strong and to cut off communication with her but sometimes I think that me being a nice and good guy works to my own detriment. Will she learn her lesson? The fact that I even let that enter my mind lets me know that I am already too invested in this than I should be.
It's hard to let go of these feelings and they haunt me and it is all because of the fact that I allowed an ex back into my life. Now there is no solution. Even if we got back together which I am pretty sure I don't even want it wouldn't erase these mistakes. There is no good way forward but to completely eliminate her from my life and unfortunately that is not going to be easy in this little community that I live in.
It's my own fault and I hope that anyone out there that took the time to read this can maybe take my experience to heart. Don't do it in your own life. It isn't going to work.