The woes continue, although you could say to some degree I am making a bit of mental progress. I have foolishly allowed an ex back into my life and really feel as though it was a terrible idea. It has done nothing for me and it has made me feel weak and stupid. Prior to this I was a confident person who was quite comfortable being single, I was living a relatively healthy life and was avoiding things in life that most people would consider to be self destructive such as excessive drinking.
Since she has returned to this city, I have foolishly allowed her to first contact me for help in finding apartments, then foolishly allowed her to use me for other things she needed help with, including getting her medical treatment for a motorcycle crash that she was involved in while attempting to go home with a guy that I actually know. These things have weighed very heavily on my mind and basically encapsulate my every waking moment. It doesn't feel good to have this cloud hanging over me at all times and it is actually worse than the time that we first broke up because at least when that happened, she was out of the country and out of my sight and eventually, my mind.
now that she lives in the same city as me, and hangs out in some of the same places as me, I am constantly reminded of her and this has not been good for my life.
I try to justify what I have done as far as her being around me is concerned because this expat community is not very big as far as numbers are concerned, so eventually, you are going to run into all of the people that live here. Basically there are 100 teachers, 200 or so digital nomads, a handful of people that made a bunch of money on crypto or something, and a couple hundred retirees. If we are even 400 people in number total, I would be very surprised. Therefore, even if I hadn't invited her to hang out where I do initially, it is very likely that she would have ended up in these places anyway.
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The thing that is most perplexing about this entire situation to me is the fact that I am not really even all that confident that I actually do want her back. I mean, I don't know for certain that I am actually even interested in being with her. I am just one of those jealous people that doesn't want to see her being with anyone else.
The other night she needed my help because she has limited ability to move and while I should have just told her no, I agreed to help her anyway. I really went out of my way to help her. All the while that this was going on I felt this sense of dread that this night was going to end badly for me. I was correct.
After I got her to the place that she wanted to hang out, which is my local bar, that was basically where my involvement in the process started to not be so important anymore. She wasn't paying much attention to me anymore, and every time that I went to the bathroom I could see guys that were up talking to her. These guys would all disappear once I got back to my seat next to her and this just makes me feel even worse. This leads me to believe that she is actually telling these guys to back off when I am around but since I don't stay out very late at night, she likely gets involved in conversations, or even something more intimate than that, after I go home.
This haunts me even though given our situation, there is no reason why she shouldn't be "allowed" to do this. We are not together, we haven't been an item for years. I still care about her deeply but lately, my interactions with her just make me feel like a sap. It makes me feel like I am the one being laughed at once I leave, it makes me feel used. I probably overthink this because in the community that I am in I am generally liked by everyone in it. I am nice to everyone, even the people that have been flirting with my ex.
Already on one occasion I had to chase someone off that was bothering her, and this was a guy that she was friendly to at first, but then he became obsessed and was touching her more than she was comfortable with and she got me involved to make him go away.
I really don't like the way that she is involving me in her life if she doesn't want me to be a major part of it. The more I try to hang out with her the worse this situation gets. I am building my own maze by continuing to be around her, basically at her beck and call, when everyone knows that the right thing for me to do would be to just ignore her calls.
I also can't help but look at the messenger that we use to communicate with one another and see when the last time she was on her phone. I went home around 11pm last night, and the last time she used the messenger was at 530 in the morning. My mind just runs wild with what a person would still be doing out at that time because I know that well, nothing particularly GOOD happens when someone stays out drinking that late and that is why I don't do it.
I can't help but feel as though I had to do all the heavy lifting to get her to the places where she socializes, and then as soon as I have done my part, she no longer cares if I am there. I am not helping myself at all by bothering with her, messaging her, or helping her. I am the weak one here and I do not like feeling this way.
I know the solution, but just like so many people that have come before me and been in exactly the same situation, I can't bring myself to just cut her off and not have anything to do with her. I wake up every day hoping that it will be better, but it never is.
Her returning into my life is one of the worst things that has ever happened in my life and it makes me simply not want to be in relationships ever again.
Sorry to unload on everyone like this, but just typing the words on a screen is sort of therapeutic to me.