Laughed At Depression And Unable To Conquer My Fears!

I'm not sure if it happens to all but in my case, a small drop of depression always removes or erase all the energy and motivation I collect from different sources and same thing happened two weeks ago. In short, we (@beingnaveed and I) were awarded with annual decrement this year in the form of reducing our monthly bonuses! As soon as I heard this new, I started thinking a lot along with @beingnaveed, how would we be able to cover this deficit from our monthly salaries? Again, I had to adopt a shortcut, I started learning SQL and thought to submit some analysis contributions to Utopian, may be 10 or 15 in a month and in this way, I could cover up this deficit. Found some motivation after reading some analysis stuff, paid 10 SBDs to @steemsql to get the access of Steem Database and started learning some SQL stuff. Wrote my first analysis post and it was rejected (Should I say as expected?). Anyways, Utopian isn't responsible to bear my monthly expenses and their moderators decide according to the rules they have laid down. Previously, I had been spending my time making some VLOG stuff that flopped too (I guess), so nothing went right or you can say as I wanted to expected. Okay, I know most of you will come with some good motivational speeches about being positive in your life, never give up thing and bla bla bla, thanks to you all for your words only, I already know that stuff. I'm just trying to remind myself that though I have not been able to get what I wanted but yes, I tried!

I needed a break from my monotonous routine/life and I had been thinking about it since January 2018. The last time I had a trip with my friends was in 2012 and I couldn't give my soul and body some time to relax and enjoy, so thanks to @sabas who made a plan and I along with my brother from another mother(@beingnaveed) went to Islamabad for a 2 days, 2 nights trip. I'm not a kind of person who like to take selfies or even ask others to take photos for Facebook DP/cover but yes, this random photo was taken by a beautiful soul and as usual, I changed my Facebook DP after one year!

Islamabad is a city of peace and that's what I wanted, in my thoughts and soul. To some extent, I managed to free myself from scary thoughts, frustrations and my own predictions about my future! I am not going to explain what we did, where we went, where we stayed, what we ate and bla bla bla, people usually talk about this stuff when they are back from a trip/vacation, share pictures and don't miss to share even a single moment. Personally, I am more lean towards enjoying the moments rather than capturing the moments and that's what I did! Along with doing some crazy stuff with friends, I managed to spare some time for myself, just me and my thoughts about how to reduce these scary thoughts and depression in the future. I am not sure if I was successful or not but one thing I am quite sure about, I am not alone in this world who is a victim of people's cruelty, there are many and infact, I found a beautiful person whom I talked the whole night. I told her my story and she told me hers and after knowing about her life, I started comparing my struggles with hers and found that mine were just about 20% or may be 30% to what she had gone through in her life. Fear of failing again is the most horrible thing in my life and after our 5 - 6 hours conversation, I, to some extent, have come out of this fear, not completely but yes, I have found a way along with a little hope again.


Came back on this Sunday and a monstrous weekday along with some shitty routine and workload was there to welcome us. As soon as I reached my house, I started working on my second analysis post, played with about 650,000 rows in excel and the shortest formula that I used to refine the data according to my requirements was


=IF(E604939<1000000,"REDFISH",IF(AND(E604939>=1000000,E604939<10000000),"MINNOW",IF(AND(E604939>=10000000,E604939<100000000),"DOLPHIN",IF(AND(E604939>=100000000,E604939<1000000000),"ORCA",IF(E604939>1000000000,"WHALE","NONE")))))

I'll be submitting my contribution tomorrow and it would be a long lengthy analysis but again, the fear of rejection is somehow there! I won't say that I don't care about Utopian upvote, I actually do and in my opinion, it's good to have this desire. I want myself to get free from this job slavery and the only short run and to some extent long run opportunity for me is this platform!

Enough said, let’s hope for the best!

Love!
@ghulammujtaba