I am pretty sure that this sort of situation exists all around the world but I am subjected to something regularly that people who live in their home country likely aren't subjected to the very limited amount of interactions that a person can expect when they are part of an expat community. Quite simply put, you aren't going to have a very large "pool" of people that you can choose to introduce into your life. Friendships to me are one of the most important things in life and as I get older I find that I have become more and more picky about who it is that I allow into my friendship circle so to speak.
I have come to find out over the years though, unfortunately, a lot of people simply cannot be relied upon nor is their any widespread honor or reliability among the people in the expat communities that I have lived in. I don't know what makes this happen but it seems that more often than not, the people that I meet and end up letting into my life to some degree have some sort of tragic unreliability that forces me to eliminate them from my life. Often this happens really early on which was the case recently.
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There was a guy that came to our bowling group and during that time everyone was trying, as I do encourage our group to do, to introduce themselves to the new guy. I don't mean to single anyone out but we want to make people, especially newcomers, feel as welcome as possible. Anyway, this guy was really comfortable almost immediately with us, and he seemed like a great addition to the crew. By the end of his first day with us he approached me and said something along the lines of "I'm new in town and it would be great to do more things like this" to which I responded that we, as a group or at least part of us, regularly do things together and if he wanted, he could come and join. We exchanged some sort of messenger information and it was about 4 days later that a bunch of us were going to go watch some sport on TV together. His response was, that sounds fun, I'll see you there!
He didn't go to the event. He didn't send a message to say that he wasn't coming nor apologize after the fact. He simply didn't go. I'm not heartbroken about this sort of thing because we all had a good time, I just felt a bit "brushed to the side" even though it was HIM that asked ME to let him know if things are going on. If you actually don't want to go, then you can just say that you don't want to go but don't say "I'll see you there" and then just completely flake on the whole thing.
During our initial meeting at the bowling he also had asked me about practice bowling day, which we do every week on Tuesdays. He once again stated that he was very interested in going to that so I messaged him about the time that we were going to go and once again he said "awesome, I'll see you there." Once again he didn't turn up... no message, no apology, no excuse, nothing.
So now I am not going to invite this guy to anything anymore and now I am just questioning why bother engaging someone like me (or anyone else) with a plea to "help me hang out with people in this community I am new in" and then totally flake on them multiple times in a row? I just don't get it.
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I, like a lot of people, have a lot of qualities about myself, some of these things are not good but one thing that I will definitely attribute to myself that I think is a fading part of society, unfortunately, is that I have honor. If I say that I am going to do a specific thing, or keep something a secret, you can bet the fucking farm that I am going to do what I say. If I cannot promise to something, I don't do it. It's really quite a simple thing and to me I think it is one of the most important aspects of being a human.
My next example involves a guy that I have known for years but only in a sort of occasional drink sort of thing, not someone that I make plans to meet up with.
I was at some gathering and he was talking about someone that owes him money and he was kind of concerned about the fact that this guy seems to be dodging him when it come to repayment. I've known people like this so when he quickly, and without provocation, told me who the person in question was it turns out that I had the exact same issue with this person with a "loan" and was willing to offer him some insight that might help him out. However, since I am not a gossip nor do I care to bad-mouth anyone behind their backs, I said to the guy "I'll tell you something, but you have to promise that it ends here and that you will never say anything to anyone else about it." He agreed and then I told him the tactics that I used in order to get money back from the guy that we were both talking about. I feel like the information I gave him was very useful. Nobody was within earshot and I wasn't making a big deal about it or speculating or talking trash of any sort.
The next day I was walking Nadi and saw him at a table and he was standing with someone and was in the middle of talking about what was meant to be our private conversation. I reprimanded him a bit but without causing a scene and berated him for doing exactly the opposite of what he said he would do. I know the other guy that he was talking to as well so I implored him to let it end right there. I explained that shit-talking and untrue rumors get started by exactly this sort of thing where as one person passes information down the line it gets embellished a little bit each step of the way until the end result is something that in no way is representative of the truth. Since my name is part of the story, I definitely don't want to be part of that. There is a game called "telephone" or "Chinses whispers" where a sentence is said at the start of a group and they have to repeat it down the line to the next person. By the time the sentence makes it to the other end of the line, it is completely different from when it started. This is how rumors or trash-talk work.
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I kind of talked down to the guy I had originally told the confidential information to and said "have some fucking honor man!" He bought me a drink that I didn't want and I think that this is how he handles a lot of things in his life. I suppose he did me a favor be being so transparently untrustworthy because now I know to not give him that benefit of the doubt in the future.
Needless to say my ability to trust that guy is now burned. He didn't even make it 24 hours before breaking a promise to me. Being drunk (which he was) is not an acceptable excuse for breaking a promise and in the future I will not give him the opportunity to have anything important from me. That's really all it takes to get eliminated from my trust.
I guess the point I am trying to make here is that I find it exceptionally easy to be honorable. I find it very easy to keep the promises I make and to keep the secrets I have been told. If I tell you I am going to an event, you can bet that I will be there, probably early. If you tell me something in confidence you can bet your first-born that that information will never be repeated to anyone else.
Why is this apparently so difficult for other people to grasp and apply to their own lives?
It used to be that I would assume that people, especially men (sorry ladies,) were honorable until proven otherwise but these days I think that the opposite is the case. I don't want to trust no one but it seems that this is the kind of world that we live in these days.... and it is seriously disappointing to me.
You've got a free upvote from witness fuli.
Peace & Love!
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