“I just want to focus on my career right now…”

This post originally appeared on wipcast.tv on April 10th, 2016. Link here.

We need to talk.

There’s a lot of people out there, and around me, talking about careers, futures, success, trips, all this sort of thing.

But there’s a problem, and we need to talk.

Let me get you to ask yourself a question — don’t worry about what anyone would think of the answer, just ask yourself: What is it I want to accomplish in life?

Got it?  Ok now that you have that idea fresh in your mind, ask yourself a second question: what for?

Are we getting to a bit of a struggle answering here?

Let me elaborate… 

 Photo by Angelina Litvin, https://unsplash.com/linalitvina 

Going around talking to friends in their 20’s and early 30’s, looking at dating site profiles, social media, all that sort of stuff, and excluding the people who’ve already established a home and had children, I noticed that people seriously struggle to answer that question if you insist on a clear answer. 

To my friends with the husbands, wives, houses and kids, I know the answer is simple: you want to build a good life for your kids, so that they can get a solid foothold in the world, and when you give advice, it’s often simple: “get married have kids, there, done, that will keep you busy”.  Talk to me when you kids are old enough to leave the house and we’ll discuss “what you want from life”.

The fact of the matter is, that traditional “get married, have kids” model doesn’t work as well as it used to, and if you’re one of the people whom it worked for, consider yourself lucky, because it takes a lot of sacrifice and compromise to be able to fit that mold, and these days, fewer and fewer people are willing to compromise and sacrifice for that. 

Here’s the fun part: most of the people that I’ve spoken to in this “singles” crowd were raised by nice wholesome families, with the values that they should grow up, go to school, get an education, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids, go on.  If asked, that’s what they will answer on what they want in life. 

So why is this so complicated? Well, people want that, ultimately, yes, but before that, they want to “live” — have a career, travel, see the world, “really get to know themselves”. 

To have the family, you need the “big house”, which means you need the money, which means you need the career.  You also need the partner, and these days people want that partner to be someone unique, special, amazing, and most importantly, to fit in their adventures of trying to explore life and get to know themselves.

 “When asked, people will tell you they want to travel, focus on their career, and experience life…” 

When asked, most young people won’t answer “what is your purpose in life” with the story about the kids and family, they will tell you they want to travel, focus on their career, and experience life; the things that should be the means to the end.

This tells me that people get so caught up in the means that they forget about the end, and that’s a problem, so we need to talk.

How many times have you seen friends who will insist that focusing on their career is more important than time with their friends right now? More important than their romantic relationship right now? More important than having kids right now? How many times have you thought that yourself?

I’ve seen break up after break up with the reason that one person wanted to “settle down and have kids” while the other just wanted to focus on their career right now.

Don’t get me wrong, breaking up with someone because you’re not at the same place in your lives is perfectly legitimate, but before you pull the trigger and end years worth of commitment and memories, have you asked yourself why you’re not at the same place in your lives?

What exactly is it that people think focusing on their career is going to give them? Money, influence, success, more career … the better you get at “career”, the more “career” you get to have.  Make more money, buy a nicer car, bigger house, travel more, experience more, become “you” more.

 Make more money, buy a nicer car, bigger house, travel more, experience more, become “you” more. 

Ok that’s all great, and then what? What are you gonna do with all that stuff?

See I think that the only reason we want all that stuff is because we’re very much convinced, subconsciously, that that neat little pile of shit and accomplishments is what’s gonna help us find the best partner, have the best kids, give them the best lives, and let us retire early so we can spend time with our families and friends.

So more and more people get in the habit of turning down relationships with people who love them right now, and distancing themselves from friends who want to spend time with them right now, so that they can focus on this magical career thing that’s gonna get them the wealth they need so they can be in a relationship with someone who loves them, and spend time with friends. 

Do you kind of get where I’m going with this?  We’re so worried about our future being filled with all the friendship and love, and wealth, and well-being that we want, that we throw away the friendships, love, and wealth we have right now.

The thing about your career, is that if you’re not one of the tiny tiny tiny percentage of people who will become tremendously wealthy and retire very young with their whole lives ahead of them, you will be an underpaid number on a spreadsheet,  and despite all the hard work you do, you’re just as likely to be a victim of a layoff, or restructuring, or paradigm shift, or economic downturn, as the people who chose to focus on their families and friends, rather than their 70-hour a week careers. 

My advice to you:

Figure out what you’re doing with your life right now. If you wouldn’t do it for free, and you wouldn’t do it forever, realize that it’s only a step on the way to get you to what you REALLY want in life.  Figure out what that is, focus on it, obsess over it, remember that everything that isn’t THAT should be temporary, should be something that you should only focus on as little as necessary to get where you want to go.

You should never, ever sacrifice what you really want in life for the benefit of the tools that you think will get you there.

If what you want are family and friends, call your family, call your friends, and always put them first.

If what you want is to build a business, to manifest a vision of a better world, forget working for someone else and hoping it all works out: go at it, go for it, make it happen.

All you ever have is this moment, this instant, this second: make it count. It’s the most precious thing you’ll ever possess, don’t waste it.