Time For A New Chapter

For a post that's not about an episode, but might become an episode, we'll see... I'm 28 years old and i've never once been to therapy, shrinks or anything of sorts. I guess I always wanted to fix my issues by myself and I don't necessarily trust the pharmaceutical companies. As someone who studied electricity, I know that sometimes it's more profitable and it's best to go for temporary fixes rather than a "permanent" one. "Permanent" because nothing in life is permanent, except for stupidity and ignorance.

And why would the pharmaceuticals be any different? Why would they want to see someone completely fine when it's so much more profitable to keep someone in a point of returning to get treatment. This might be a conspiracy theory taken to extremes but I rather stay a step back and still have a chance of backing out, than going fully towards it and get myself screwed for not taking precautions.

However, there are times in life when one has to pursue their dreams and overcome obstacles that are thrown against us. And a couple of days ago I decided to go to a shrink for the first time in my life, mainly to get diagnosed and get confirmation or denial on my mental state. For a good amount of years I had this thought that I had some form of anxiety and OCD, always preferring isolation and obsessing with planning ahead through every step. I'm not the kind of guy that jumps into something without giving it proper thinking. If I am to be in place X at time Y, I must look for every possible path, transportation, schedules, possible delays and whatnot... It can be rather obnoxious to have this kind of behavior because you don't take as many risks and you don't go into adventures if you can't figure out outcomes for the adventures. It prevents you from doing it, subconsciously keeping you away from danger but also excitement.

Turns out, my condition is Neurosis. At the time I only had heard of this from the band Neurosis and had no clue of its characteristics but upon looking it up, it does make sense. I can't explain to you what neurosis is any better than the internet but I can give my personal experiences. The reason I wanted to be diagnosed and checked up was because this condition affects my work. Well, what i'd love to do for work anyway. Podcasting, producing, working with audio, music, whatever... As long as it's audio I'd be fine. And a characteristic of neurosis compared to straight anxiety or psychosis is that I am aware of my issues but I just can't solve them because they keep pushing me down. By the shrinks words : "You take one step forward and two steps back.". He's not wrong whatsoever and it always felt like that. One of the main things that you've got to do as a podcaster / entertainer is reach out to people. Let them know about your podcast, about your work. Because even though sometimes you get discovered by a ray of luck that shines upon you, you have to chase it yourself if you want relevancy at all. But I can't... Even posting the episodes here on Steemit makes me feel somewhat bad. Like i'm using a platform that's meant for blogging simply for promotion and a lot of other people might think I am doing so just to gather audience... And they wouldn't be wrong! But it is what it is... Still I feel bad, for no reason... It's a different medium than text, definitely, but it's still a medium for sharing of opinions, thoughts and whatnot.

Then, there's the neurotic perfectionist in me that simply thinks everything isn't good enough to go anywhere other than my computer. Trust me, every episode I publish, I feel self conscious about it publishing them. But you've got to do it anyway. And I like my own work... So why would it bother me promoting it, so much?! Makes no sense! And I have to confess, sometimes I feel so self conscious about what i'm doing that I literally rush production and publishing. Not optimal either. But I guess your perfectionism can't chase you if you don't give it a chance right?

So this is where I take a step towards a new chapter. Medication. Anti-depressants. Prescribed by the shrink, of course. It's both exciting and scary. Exciting because I look forward to being able to do and say normal and stupid things without keeping myself inside a bubble of delusional security. I am looking forward to being myself. Not a silhouette of myself. A replica of my very own being while my true self is hidden inside a box chained with locks all over. And it's scary because I am afraid I lose myself. I am afraid that I become numb and go from silhouette to absolute shadow.

Only time will tell. Thanks for reading and have a great day! Remember to get help if you go through the same thing(s). I think it's best to be the weirdo that is on medication but at least enjoys life than the normie wannabe that suffers in torment internally.