First broke the screen of the laptop. Now the monitor died. Then lost some coin somewhere else. No worries have the family computer. Forgot the password to imgur. Forgot the password to f.b. to sign into imgur. It has me screaming and yelling and ranting and raving at the computer! Oh the turmoil and anguish! Hahahahahahahahaha!! Have to start a new account for imgur to use f.b. for imgur. Still can't remember password. Try to recover password, wrong email address. Try my other only email address, wrong email address. Try to see if I used twitter to use imgur, forgot twitter password. Finally remember twitter password and get access to all the images again. In the meantime this is a stationary laptop that is dying with a dead battery and cannot make music on it.
O.k.! O.K.! is there anything else I can complain about! Ahh sure! All the great revelations and realizations I'm having doesn't take the pain away. That's okay. Pain is your friend. Yup, it's times like that that make me want to declutter my life, my house and my head. Still gotta use it to my advantage or at least an advantage. All these times of scraping by and the urge to wimper , oh! but things could be allot worse! Still see? that doesn't make it any easier or less painful.
I am still grateful for the challenge and test. I have that old emac computer. I'm just pissed off and will make some music on that! So what!? I don't care! No matter how much or how little I can make something out of it. Still would love to be able to stop and take a year off to just get myself together. That's how under the gun I've felt in life. But must march on as it goes and try to develop even when it seems time and resources are slim. And your panicked and sweaty day to day. Your clothes are disintegrating and you eat only a meal a day.
Yeah grunge lifestyle, ya fucken right. All these people buying pre ripped jeans from mall stores. Pah! I'm not trying to be grunge. My pants have holes in them from use. And these people want to buy pre-ripped jeans. I'm fucking losing my mind! Actually not, just feels like it sometimes. I'm stuck with it.
Oh wells. Seems I've been focusing a bit much on the rough situation. That's okay. It's true. I still have the inspiration and perseverance though. It gets tested. 
I've dealt with hopeless emotions my whole life...but I feel them to know I'm alive, not to give in to them. I'd rather just give up on allot of external baggage but not myself. It's okay to lose your religion from time to time. Just don't forget where you came from. I don't know how many people can remember their childhood. I'm lucky to remember mine.
I'm so fucking pissed off. Running out of weed, cigarettes and beer. Just gonna do some damn magic mushrooms! Take out the keyboard and make sound on the emac. Even though there is a delay on the keyboard! I'll rant and rave! Froth at the mouth. Panic and play my broken guitars. Throw them around. Then relax and record myself ohming for 15 minutes. Then record myself doing innate chatter. Then get back on the keyboard and play frantic! Record my heavy breathing and growling! Then record myself ranting and raving and complaining. Then play it backwards on the track so no one knows it's just me whining. Then realize I must erase that whining portion of it otherwise it's gonna suck. O.k. sounds pretty good.
I'll be back! I'll show the results of the disaster night! tonight!! The one rotted first note of 6.59Prime Excepted. Must remember the anguish and helplessness! The internal strength to counter. Soldier is not down yet partners!
Do they have food stamps or food pantries where you live? No one should have to live on one meal a day. :-(
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