Yesterday, I took four hits of LSD. The experience was more than I could possibly put into words. It was easily one of the most transformative experiences of my life. I will attempt to unravel some of the revelations I had here.
I am a woman. This was more of less known before the trip, but the experience showed me the full extent that I had denied my full experiential self. My life has been filled with traumas that have left me feeling like part of me had died. Like carrying a rotting corpse around, the dead weight has only stood in my way. I had to disassociate from my feelings in order to survive/perform/obey.
Yesterday helped breathe life into these neglected aspects of my psyche. I have often felt like I do not feel; that I was a barreling through life like a machine would tear through a bramble patch without regard for its vessel. I have always been someone who has lived in their mind, thinking and overthinking things.
As I sat under the tree in my backyard, I zoned out, and the thoughts stopped. I have practiced mindfulness and meditation/yoga in the past, but I have never been able to fully stop the dialogue without it feeling like my attention was fully placed on my headspace. While I sat, simply observing the world, I felt the quietness. I noticed my attention fall away from a focused point and spread across my entire reality. My detection of motions shifted from that of observing objects to observing the energies around me.
My ex-girlfriend often described her reality as being a crazy mesh of energy, always flowing and living breathing around her. I understand what she means now. I could “feel” the bugs buzzing and the wind in the trees. My mind would often come back online to follow a train of thought, and I got to see myself oscillate between these two states.
It’s incredible how much information the universe can convey to you in a single breeze. As I watched the leaves dances in the wind, I found a peace, a calmness of the ocean within, that I have not known for seemingly my entire life. I was able to observe myself more clearly than I ever had. I was able to see my strengths and weaknesses, the natural tendencies of my innate character, so crisply with an awareness of what it all meant. I saw through myself to whole whole vine and witnessed the unfurling of time, coming to know how I fit into the world.
I realized that a major hindrance in my life is that I have always tried to play a role I was not meant to. I have long tried to play the strengths of my male energies, but have found no complimentary force from within to sustain these efforts. I realize that I am meant for a more nurturing role, rather than a dominating one.
Nature produces the forms that it does by a process of systemic forces, meaning that what is produced compliments other forces in the system. If nature were to produce a yin, it would inherently create a yang as well. I see the human form to live as a singular body; a multicellular organism that survives as a unity of forces within it. On a smaller scale, we see this play out with a specialization of mind within our tribes/families. There are those who specialize at conquering the world around us, navigating and keeping the ship afloat so to speak, and there are those who take care of the passengers.
It is this dualistic specialization of the masculine and feminine that produces the wide range of characters within our collective. I experienced something like an ego death, but not quite, where I felt like I was sitting in the center of all divides. I was able to shift myself to the left or right, back and forth, internally, and was able to experience reality through the different lenses of perception. I saw the world through the eyes of a man and a woman, through anger and serenity, through fear and love. I saw life from the perspective of countless people around the world.
I don’t quite know how to describe this, but I saw how the mind learns from experience, taking a step in any direction from what it learns. If life scorns us, our character will come to reflect that within our inner worlds until we learn to undo the knot it has tied. The act of undoing is simple, instantaneous, but the trouble we face is in our willingness to undo the self that we know.
Each of us is the Alpha and the Omega, the creators of our experience. Whatever is happening in our realities is fully within our control. We may not be able to flick a switch and change ourselves to our desired form in an instant, but we why would we want to do that? It is the process of change in this continuing storyline that gives our lives, our stories, deeper meaning.
For too long I have held back on making real progress in my life. I have self-sabotaged because I have not believed in my journey. I have wallowed in self-pity for so long. In my trip, I realized the full extent of how precious every moment is to us. With each step forward we take, we have an infinite array of experiences to focus on, and steer our ship towards. I have been trying to fly by predicting the entire trajectory before hand, but in coming to trust myself I can navigate in real time.
Each of us can accomplish anything so long as we will ourselves in that direction. In my trip, I saw the junctions of time in their full multi-dimension selves. I saw how I was keeping many doors closed by holding onto these past understandings of self. Finally able to let them go, I awakened within the a greater potential; the ability to see my destiny. That answer was always within me. It was what resonates at my core. I only needed to listen with pure ears to hear its call.
Hey, I wrote a short book about the experiences that led to me being in this place. It would really mean a lot if you picked it up. It's a rollercoaster ride through my childhood and explores (mostly) everything that shaped me into who I am today.
I also have a Patreon which I've recently set up as a means to help me get these messages out to the world more often!