It’s Saturday, and I have been alone for most of the day. I’m mostly reflecting while being productive. I keep trying to push myself to do more but my mind keeps wandering. I wanted to go for a walk, but the stairwell door is locked and I don’t have a key, so I am afraid I will be locked out. I will ask my friends about this.
It was my instinct just now to just go on without bringing it up, but as I was writing this, I realized that’s just learned behavior. It was paramount in my house that you never disturbed my father at the wrong time. When was the wrong time? Any time! The volatility of my home environment growing up taught me to always be on alert, don’t bother anybody, and accept whatever happens to me.
I need to stand up for myself. The problem is, there does not feel like there is a self in here. In the grand scheme of things, there isn’t. True compassion is when we realize that no one has a self and we are all one. Unity consciousness has the benefit of making us more heart-centered, but it does not help someone who has lived as no one for so long. If I am to love myself, I first need to acknowledge my own needs.
I feel I have been growing my personality while I have been here. It’s only been a few days, but I am witnessing nuanced changes in my thinking. My mind is being reshaped by the normal, every day experiences of living with (somewhat) normal people. More compassionate people, at least. Just talking with them, I notice there is less fear; timidness. I feel more present and that this voice inside me is worth something.
Thus I keep writing. The more I am forced to “speak” while there is nothing to be said, the more I will be able to create conversation when there is silence. For so long, I have felt trapped in my own head, unable to navigate conversations like others seemingly do. There feels like there is a lack of personality, and there really is not much of a person in me. I feel like a robot, simply executing commands and reacting to prompts from other people. I might be able to pass the Turing Test, but my fear is that my mind is simply like the Chinese Room; there is no person, just mechanical processes.
This all stems back to self-esteem. I have hid myself from the world because I feel like I am not worth anything; that my presence would just be a bother to others. I feel like a second class citizen, some subhuman accident. I don’t deserve to be, let alone enjoy or express myself.
It’s really made dating difficult. Even now, free from the world that taught me to be this way, I find myself afraid to meet with people I connect with online. I am chatting with some people on various apps and I feel terror-struck. There is so much programming that needs to be undone. Maybe part of the solution is to let go and just throw myself at what’s out there. But, I fear that will be a quick descent into self-destructive behavior. Like most things, the answer is most likely in the middle of these extremes. Be freer, but don’t become a boundless seeker of flesh.
I feel anxious just looking at my phone, thinking of messaging someone. Like a thousand divine judges are staring at me, just waiting for me to make an ass of myself. I want to let go. I want to feel free. I want to be free. Why can’t I just let myself be who I want to be?
Hey, this is a journal entry from a project I am really enjoying so far. It's allowing me to write about my life as I discover myself, and reflect on the past while I do so. I want to turn this into a book. I really appreciate any support, in whatever form it takes. Thank you for taking the time to let me share this piece of myself with you.