http://lmgtfy.com/?q=seasonal+affective+disorder
Her and I were the last ones awake at the going away party. It was 3 AM and the embers of the backyard bonfire were dying, but the conversation did not fade with it.
"You were always the quiet guy, you know?"
She gave a genuine smile and leaned in closer.
"Well it's not like I don't know what to say sometimes, it's more how I say it, and if the words can truly convey my state of mind-- like sometimes I waste time thinking of the perfect way to say something meaningful, like in a way that truly sticks, and before I know it: the moment is gone."
"I know what you mean, like a moment where you really want to make something happen, but are so caught up in the delivery that nothing really happens."
The conversation then drifted into talks about relationships. We talked about how we always seemed to fall in love with someone during the summer, but autumn always seemed to suck us into a kind of black hole. Broken up, figuratively in both senses-- inside and from others, we fall into a winter sadness.
"There's a word I learned a while ago that kind of sums up this time of year; it's called velleity: a desire to see something done, but not enough desire to make it happen."
"That sounds kind of like how I always feel around this time of year, but I can't really explain it too well. It's like how I've always wanted to make sure someone remembers me even if I fade into depression for the winter.
In the dying light her eyes were electric, and his were a cool, stormy grey.
"You know, we could waste our entire lives unsure of why we wasted away each season, while the fact is, right now, we are wasting the night away because we are unsure of a future not guaranteed. At least right for now, can I tell you that we are probably going to be alright when the night ends?"
"Yes."
She smiled softly, grasping my fingertips. I thought to myself: the future scares me too, but her hands are as cold as mine.
Then she whispered something that would stick with me forever.
"As if we could kill time without injuring eternity..."
And with clasped hands we face the stars; for no matter how dark the future dawn may shine, our moment together glows darkly,-- as if the night would carry on into some sort of permanence, and never die.