I'm About To Embarrass Myself Real Bad!

This year has messed me up. I feel like a very valuable part of me, Has somewhat died.

Many would argue that this year has been good to me. And I mostly agree. But I never realized how painful and traumatic so many changes could have on the human mind. Even the good changes.

This year I lost one of my businesses, After building it for over a year. It was making me so much money, and my customers were so happy. LITERALLY Overnight. One small policy adjustment caused everything to tumble down. Seeing it crumble was horrifying. I built up a side hussle that was making me only 20.00 a month, Into something much larger, That now pays all my bills.

I was dealing with the aftermath and the shock of becoming self-employed, Now having employees and my own goals. Also, the huge responsibility that all those things bring.

At the beginning of this year, I was an engaged woman. And for a few hours, It seemed like this would be the best year of my life.

But before I knew it, I was single trying to unscramble and understand what the hell just happened. I became obsessive and ridiculous and fought to get that relationship back.

And it worked... For a while.
Only to fall apart again...

And that's when the Shit hit the fan! I ran out, Got my first car! And started learning how to drive. And everything seemed to be getting back on track. I was doing everything I could to turn all the bad into something positive. I never thought I'd get a car. Here I am 24 with my first vehicle. Who would have thought? What an impulsive purchase!

Then Laura died...

And everything seemed to fall apart again, As I started to realize how much she affected my life. (We talked almost every day, For hours online.) And I came to the terrible realization, That even though she's gone. I still have to continue my life. I have to fight; I have to try. Even though I didn't want to...

That's when I realized that one of the reasons I felt so shitty, Was because my life had become more uncertain than it ever had been...

Every day I wake up with some game-changing news, Sometimes Bad or good. Yesterday I found out that A company I use is doing some important integrations that will give me A HUGE advantage over my competitors.
The day before that. Amazon approved me for long sleeves, Then Cut our upload limits down.
Everything is so overwhelming, I started coping with all the news by spending most of the night, running. Running even up to 12 miles in a day, Because I didn't know what else I could do.

I sort of feel like I'm getting beaten with a Tennis racket. And it won't stop.
For the last month, I haven't voiced it. But I have been missing my old job. The chaos, The cool people. The excitement. But at the same time. The "Somewhat" Predictable routine. Of having to wake up and get ready for work.
I logically thought about it for a while And realized I'm an idiot to go back to a job. My business is rapidly growing. I have all these incredible opportunities in front of me. And my life is going to hopefully change for the better soon.
My brain decided to not go forward with these urges to work at my old job again, For a couple of months to help during the holiday rush.

But then I impulsively put in an application...
Of course, that means little; They may not even consider me. I always worked hard, But I was also super bratty and sassy with my supervisors. I was also a pain in the ass to deal with. So it could go either way. Besides, I know most companies want permanent employees. Not an employee they know will leave again.

But I just had to do it. Of course, It would only be temporary, and I would continue to build my business and post on here. It's funny, That I see "fixing" My life, As turning it into this incredibly chaotic environment.
Or heck, Maybe I just miss my old Steel toed boots...

Note: I don't want your sympathy! Things can and will get better :) I'm just highlighting how crazy just one year can be. And how fast things can change when you least expect it.