Saying No: Who Are You Kidding?

If you are one of those people who has difficulty refusing requests for your time, it might be a good time to review your motives. Why do you promise to help people when your schedule is already getting tight?

You want to help others: This is an admirable reason, and sometimes an excellent reason, to say "yes" to requests. So in each situation, ask yourself these questions before agreeing to the request: Does the request really help the other person? (Maybe you believe it's not a good solution to their problem.) Will the request encourage laziness on the part of the requester? (Are they basking in the sun while you are doing their work for them?) Is the request important? (Listen to your best judgment, not the requester's insistence.) Is the requester being a salesperson? (Are they trying to sell an ice box to an Eskimo? That is, are they pressuring you or being "too" persuasive?) Is there someone else better qualified to help them? Can they grow more if you merely teach them how, and let them do it themselves? Will they ask you the same request again in the future instead of doing it themselves? Are they relying on you because they are too lazy to read the manual? (I think we're all guilty of this sometimes.) To summarize, will your help really help them?

                           

You want to smooth relationships: Helping other people can be great for improving interpersonal relationships, but sometimes it backfires. As a result of your kindness, if you burn out and become irritable, your relationship with that person might become strained (especially if they live with you). On the other hand, if you set boundaries early by saying "no", you can actually gain their respect (if not gratitude at the moment). And how about your relationship with yourself? Do you secretly feel unworthy, so you try to gain acceptance from others with their gratitude? Are you trying to buy self-esteem with currency you don't have? Ironically, making real decisions ("yes" or "no" when you really mean it) actually builds self-confidence, not becoming other people's servant. First, build your self-esteem by taking care of your own needs. Later, with a strong self-esteem, you can turn your attention to helping others. It's your strength that will help others in the long run anyway, but if you're emotionally weak right now, then build that inner strength first. Trust your inner voice, and say "no" to more requests.

You want to avoid awkward explanations: Trying not to get caught with a weak excuse, you say "yes" when you mean to say "no." But you don't need an excuse. "No" means NO--further explanations are rarely necessary, and not that person's business. If you feel you need to follow "no" with an explanation, plan your replies in advance, before people ask you. Also, make sure to schedule time for yourself in your calendar. If you're busy taking care of yourself on Saturdays and Tuesday evenings, you can't possibly do things for other people on those days. And you might need to schedule an extra afternoon for catch-up. And Monday mornings to put out fires. With your schedule filling up, you can accept fewer requests, and keep your sanity.