Closing the Door on 15 Years of Veganism for my Health.

I tried so hard to fight it. I tried consuming only vegan protein while battling IC and PCOS, but eventually it became clear that my body would not be healthy if I consumed abundant amounts of triggers.

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Soy flares my IC so once soy was out I was like okay, but I got this and so I bought 10lbs of nooch and 5lbs of hemp seed. Nooch flares my IC. Hemp flares my IBS. I ate every combo of beans, nuts, seeds, and veggies while analyzing lists of vegan proteins, they ALL triggered either my IBS or my IC. So, at 12am I told Greg I HAD to start eating fish. The reason I didn't eat meat for 15 years was moral but at what point do I have to step aside and place my own life above that of the fish?

I still plan to avoid land animals and dairy. Dairy is actually bad for IBS too. I may, however, consider eggs once I feel well enough to get myself to a farmer's market. But I won't be buying eggs that come from factory farms. I am holding onto as many of my moral life decisions as I can and consuming the bare minimum animal protein from the least intelligent animals I can. Although, mussels are about the dumbest sea animal I could find and proved too gross for me to eat.

So, we went to Perkins at 12am and I ordered a garlic salmon filet which may not be 100% IC friendly but I knew the first time I had fish someone else had to prepare it and bring it out or I would get squeamish and back out. So, I sat at Perkins waiting in disgusted anticipation to get my first bite of fish in my life out of the way.

It took me a long time to put the first bite in my mouth but once I did I was surprised by how it wasn't all that gross. My only issue honestly has been breaking down the mental barriers. For 15 years I said "I will be vegan until I die" and I meant it and imagining it wasn't hard because I didn't feel deprived and didn't even see dairy and meat as food. It disgusted me to smell and see. It's easy to say you will never eat meat again when you are healthy but once your body is riddled with auto-immune diseases that limit what you can consume in a SERIOUS way, you'll change your tune. So, here I was having to break down all those walls I had built. Having to rewrite "Fish are friends not food". Having to eat my friends. I got a bit sad eating the salmon thinking about live salmon but again, my choices were to put myself above fish or to give up and die and I don't plan to die.

The next day I decided to jump right into the deep end and have raw fish.

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That was....disgusting. Much worse than the cooked salmon filet. I was only able to choke down 4 pieces and it took me a LONG time to get those 4 pieces down. I figured now that I had tackled RAW fish the next fish I tried would surely be easier to consume.

Boy, was I ....wrong. The next fish I ate was canned tuna. Mind you, it was from the health food section and looked and smelled much better than the chicken of the sea tuna. It was canned skipjack. And, no, I don't like buying $4 canned tuna even though I do like that it's sustainably caught with no nets, but the reason I bought it is because all other tuna contains soy now and I can't eat soy.

So, I had skipjack and green beans for lunch on day 3 and a new friend of mine watched in amusement as I tortured myself and very slowly ate an entire can of tuna.

Many of my friends who actually enjoy seafood commented on how they would not want to eat plain canned tuna. Sadly, with IC and IBS I don't have the luxury of condiments, sauces, spreads, or dressings. I have plain fish and vegetables.

Tonight, I will either be eating canned health food section salmon or cooking pollock at home. I would like to try to tackle cooking my own fish as much as it disgusts me.

I definitely will no longer be over-eating as I can barely get my meals down now and part of me is definitely hoping that in a year or so after I have found the right meds and healed my bladder and bowels and am feeling healthy I can try out soy and beans and see how my body likes them and stop eating fish but right now I know I have to eat it and right now is all that matters, eh? Who's to say I will even be here to complain about eating fish in a few years?

I hope to be blogging more again now that I have some mild relief from my medication. I also plan to start 2 new meds in 4 weeks. So, I will be updating on that. Right now, I hate my meds and feel like crap. I am zombified and sleep until 3 pm every day no matter how early I go to bed. I haven't had the nerve to weigh myself to see if I have the horrible weight gain 70% of people experience. But, I am dedicated to getting better. I cut out booze, smokes, started meds, and am even eating fish now. My health comes first!

Selfie I took while waiting to go eat raw fish. I like it so I am plopping it here.

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