I'm not crazy, I just love

I do not know why I decided to write all this, but I guess I just miss. Very, to the grinding of teeth and intermittent breathing! It's like a monologue of my soul!

I'm not obsessed, I just love! This phrase came to me when I took another puff, and looked at the phone in anticipation of your SMS. Today the message never came. You again paused ... how much now? For a day, two, five ... maybe a month ... maybe forever? You know, no, I do not cry at night in a pillow - at night I sleep. The pain does not torment my soul - I am in perfect harmony with myself. I do not think about you twenty-four hours a day - I just live my life. I just ... just love it!

Hmm ... recently, I can say, it dawned on me! On another evening, sitting on the couch, under a warm blanket, with a mug of coffee and laptop on my knees, I decided to create an album in "Contact." I wanted to put people who had been in my life in different periods of time, some of them are still side by side with me. Those who somehow changed my life, and myself ... I took pictures of friends, girlfriends and former guys, began to come up with a description for each of them ... And at that moment I thought ... The guys I took , were dear to me, some brought tears and hysterics, some gave boundless love, but ... That's it "BUT" the first time in my life came to my mind!

I did not love any of them! No one!

I even smiled at how clearly and correctly the mosaic finally formed. Yes, I washed tears from my cheeks and yelled into the pillow, but often it was just an insult, or in the end a wounded pride. Yes, I made love to a guy, I liked his touch, and I pressed to him after everything was over, but this passion was mixed with tenderness. Yes, I was hysterical, tried to save relationships, got drunk with friends, complained to them about what kind of man he was, but ... it was just an affection, a fear of change, or just a mad sympathy. Time passed and relations approached the stage of inevitable break (and it does not matter at whose initiative). For a while I peered at the mirror in my mirror with my eyes inflamed with tears, tried to understand why everything was like that, but I never found an answer. I lived ... gradually the pain was replaced by sadness, and then for sadness there was no place in my soul ... I made new acquaintances, tried other relationships and tasted again in the whirlpool of emotions! Meeting a once "beloved" man, I no longer felt those feelings, I did not want to return everything back. Sometimes we even drank coffee, remembered the old and laughed ... But this is strange, is not it? What once vomited your soul to pieces, has turned only into a memory! It just happened. It was, but not left. Someone will say "I've suffered and I have cried" ... and I will answer "I just did not like it" ...

But here you are ... you, it's something else ... something that I could not understand and disassemble in the beginning! I never explained to you in love, did not experience terrible depressions from the silence of the phone, did not sob at night in the pillow and did not pronounce your name with a tremor in my voice. I just loved ... the way they love only once in my life! I finally realized that this is how it is and where it is ... I have quietly, for years, listened to your stories about girls, I really did not hurt. You called at three o'clock in the morning and asked what kind of idiotic status I put in contact! I laughed in the tube, took cigarettes and spanked into the kitchen to put the kettle on, while listening to your instructions about my philosophical and emotional nature. And then, already at the end of the conversation, I whispered quietly into the phone that I really missed you ... and you just as softly answered "I'm also a kid". And it was normal ... we were friends! We exchanged pictures, fooled around in ICQ, laughed on the phone, arguing on the topic that we would someday get married and always knew that we have each other. And then it happened!

The sea, the sun, the beach and a lot of tequila! Lots of :)

I broke ... I finally allowed my feelings to break out. I did not even suspect that they were so strong! I remember our first night, and I remember that first morning in an embrace ... And it was from that moment, from that very morning, that every day more and more I understood the meaning of what was happening to me! Remember, you once told me: "You can not have friends, you need to be friends with them." It was under this motto that I lived all these years! I did not even allow myself to think about my feelings for you ... I forced myself to believe that they were not there! But alcohol did its job, he resurrected what I had long buried. And you believe, I do not regret it at all! I finally stopped pretending! I realized what it means to love ... it's not sleepless nights ... it's not tears from grievances ... it's not packs of cigarettes and liters of alcohol ... it's not even butterflies in the stomach ... This, that, regardless of whether you are good or bad, you want your loved one to be happy! And it does not matter, with or without you! Near or far away! You feel good only when he is happy!

I was sad when you were sad. I was happy with your victories, as my own. She whispered into the phone that you were the best when you began to doubt yourself ... I was just around! For a thousand kilometers, but with you! I realized that you are the only person in my life, from whom I do not expect anything ... I just love ... somewhere inside and somehow calmly. I do not scream about my feelings to the whole world, I do not write at night, and I do not exhale your name with cigarette smoke. I just live with you in my heart. Probably, this is love ...