A Bad Feeling...

It looks like a lovely day. Hey, why don't we pop up to Dundee and see my Dad? He would love a spontaneous visit!

Said the good lady as if it wasn't Sunday and I wasn't lying all burst and broken on the couch.

It's like, a hundred miles away. Are you nuts?

I said diplomatically whilst wondering if she could close the fucking blinds because the faint sunlight was causing my head some upset.

Well, I think he would really like it, so we should go.

I got up to my feet and looked out at the vile outdoors beyond the window. Everything sparkled as if it wasn't Autumn. Damn, it should have been raining but instead, it was nice.

I was a tad hungover. I didn't want to drive for a hundred miles?

I dunno lass... I got a bad feeling about this?..

The good lady gave me a gnarly look as if I had just strayed a little too far south from the burst fig.

You mean you are feeling a bit rough and don't want to because of that?

No.

I flinched as if my face was being harried by mad flies.

That is most definitely not the reason.

I finished stating. It was a total lie though because that is exactly why I didn't want to go.

We are going. I have already told him.

Oh baws.

Fine.

I humphed my face into a little wizened bitter thing.

But I have a bad feeling about this. Don't say you weren't warned.

We loaded the car up. The sun continued to shine. The autumn leaves on the trees burned gold and red. Somewhere, birds sang, celebrating the beauty of the day.

Just before we got in the car, I held open the good lady's door.

You sure about this?

She rolled her eyes.

Just get in and drive.

I curled my bottom lip and made wuffing noises of disapproval as I got in and, as commanded, drove.

Everything was fine for the first forty minutes or so. Then quite surprisingly the little lady yelled something that sounded like.

BOOOARARARP!

The stench of vomit assailed out nostrils. Not that humdrum sick you can sort of ignore but the really bile'y stuff that makes you fight having to barf yourself.

Then another smell assailed our noses - The little boom seemed to have dropped a large brown bomb in his nappy.

It was a couple of miles before we could stop on the motorway and clean the pair of them up

We got back in and carried on.

The stink in the car was frankly outrageous and I was glad to arrive in Dundee. We had lunch with her Dad and Sister. I sat and glowered in a dark mood whilst everyone else giggled and ate cake.

I looked at the car parked outside in the baking sun.

Soon it was time to go.

We got to the car and opened the door. The stench of baked vomit and shit washed out of the doors and over our faces.

I fought back a sick burp myself and looked at the good lady.

Told you I had a bad feeling.

I muttered trying not to burpbarf.

Just shut up and drive.

She said, her eyes watering.

Yes Ma'am.

I drove as smugly as I possibly could for the next hour and a half.

Vindicated!