A Very Devil's Egg

Come on you lot, it's bath time.

Using a combination of begging, bribing and threats, I herded both the kids upstairs towards the bathroom.

As usual, being the manky little tykes that they are, they were most reluctant to get in a bath and be washed. Heaven forbid that several days worth of food and un-nameable muck (particularly in the Little Boom's case) be sluiced off them.

Heeyah!! HEEYAH!!

I resorted to yelling random noises and menacingly flicking a towel about like a whip as if I were a cowboy trying to impress a sexy moose to finally get them undressed and into the bath.

Finally, it was done.

Once the pair of them hit the water they started horsing about with a million floaty, squeezy toys and I could relax.

Daddy!! Daddy!! Come in the bath with us!

The Little Lady yelled.

She was splobbing about with some kind of stick pretending to be an aquatic Harry Potter.

I looked up from my phone where I had been about to commence some quality Steem Reading. (Not an oxymoron. Not yet, at least...)

Erm... I dunno, lass. You are getting quite big and there isn't really room for the three of us?

I shrugged my shoulders as if to imply that it was somehow out of my hands and I would if I could. It had been a busy day and I was missing my screen time being the addicted fool that I was.

Oh, come on, Daddy... Please..? Pleeeeeaaase?

The Little Lady looked bereft.

I felt myself swithering. Then the Little Boom peeked over the edge of the bath.

Daddee. In Bat. Now? Pees?

His speaking was coming on a treat. Only ten more years and he would be able to ask someone for directions to the Asylum for the Insane where his Daddy was kept.

Oh, alright then. Two seconds.

I caved and quickly whipped my kit off and joined them in the bath.

Lots of splashy, shouty, noisy fun was had and it seemed like only minutes before the Good Lady popped into the bathroom.

Wow, guys, you have been in there for over an hour. You look like you are having lots of fun!

She positively beamed to see her little family having some quality time.

Yeah, they dragged me in. It has been fun though.

I smiled the smile of an amazing Daddy-Bear, if there was a scale of Daddy'ing, I had just gone up a level.

The Good Lady frowned and craned her neck forward like a strange pecky bird.

Daddy-Bear, what's that dark thing in the water?

She asked, tilting her head quizzically to the side and narrowing her eyes.

I laughed and fought the urge to tell her that we had sneaked in an Otter.

What do you mean, dark thing?

I looked about, still chuckling at the thought of a big whiskered otter flapping about and shouting.

Then I froze.

There was a dark thing, bobbing about near the bottom of the bath. In fact, there were two of them. What the hell was...

Realisation came crashing in.

OH MY GOD, WHO SHAT THE BATH?!

I yelled attempting to backpedal away from the foul arse-cigars bobbing along the bottom of the big Poo sea.

Daddy. Don't swear in front of the children?!

The Good Lady barked crossly.

What's a shat?

Asked the Little Lady trying to peer around me as I attempted to lever myself up without my legs going anywhere near the devilish brown eggs one of my precious poo-turkey children had laid.

AAAAAAAGHHHH, IT'S POO. THE LITTLE BOOM's POO'D THE BATH?!?!

Like a whippet, the Little Lady leapt from the bath and stood dripping and shivering pointing in horror at the spectacle of an adult rolling around in a tsunami of shit.

The Good Lady winced as I finally managed to stand.

Um, Daddy-Bear, you have a bit on your leg?

She grimaced and flapped her hands at me as if I was a filthy street pigeon with one leg hopping in circles near her foot.

I looked down.

AAAAAAGGGHHHHH?!?! My leg, my beautiful leg. GET IT OFF. HELP ME!

But my shouts of help were in vain, the Good Lady in the blink of an eye, had pulled the plug, wheeked the Little Boom out of the bath and was shepherding them both off to downstairs to get cleaned up.

I'll get these two, you deal with the bath and yourself.

She trilled over her shoulder.

The bathroom was silent.

I looked down at the brown lumps gurgling near the drain and the sluglike smear on my leg. Something inside me cracked.

Bastards. You will all pay for this. You hear? YOU WILL ALL PAY!