Birthday?!

Its the good lady's birthday this week.

My mission, rather obviously, is to find her some presents. Normally something I would breeze through with nary a thought. I am a splendid gift giver. If I do say so myself.

This time however the good lady is up the spout. She has a bun in the oven. She is, how may I put it delicately, gravid with child.

She has learned a few lesssons from the last pregnancy and I seemingly have learned naught. I approached her for some hints as to what she would like. I knew a few things were out given that she is rather large comparative to her normal size. She helpfully responded.

No clothes. Wouldn't be able to wear them for ages.

Hmm, ok. That seems fair enough.

And no jewelry, you know what young babies are like. Clutching at everything.

Of course. I remember our first, reaching out a grabbing hand at anything that glittered. Well, in fact anything that moved.

Definitely no sweet things. I am the size of a house.

Oh come now my darling, you are a svelte gazelle considering your, ahem, condition.

She fixed me with a hormonally raging eye.

Svelte? Gazelle? Are you taking the piss?

I assured her that oh no. I was most definitely not extracting that particular item. She was not easily mollified.

Don't get me slippers or any shoes, you always get the most ridiculous shoes. The comfy stuff I have is good enough.

Hmm, right you are then.

Perhaps you would like a guitar?

I grinned winsomely. She glared at me.

Oh funny, no. No guitars.

Dammit.

And no massages or spa treatment type stuff. I can't get any of that right now. I am pregnant.

She rubbed our unborn child through the whales head sized bump on her tummy.

Are there any books you would like?

You can't go wrong with a book after all. She loves reading!

No books. I have loads I have not had the chance to read and I won't get much chance running around after a newborn.

She grinned somewhat manically.

I will leave it to you. I know you always come through.

HA! Yes, perhaps. I am fecking stumped this time though. What on earth can I get the lady who does not seem to want anything? Ah, I know. Something baby related. After all who couldn't resist something baby oriented when in fact you are hefting around a big lump of child on your front!

And for the love of god no baby stuff please.

Dammit!!

One of those light up toy lightsabre's?

She sighed and gave me that look.

It looks like the only thing she will be getting is a kick in the chuff at this rate!