Car Wars

I parked the car at the local garage. I was trying a new one after the last garage owner I used to visit seemed to think he had the right to charge me 70 million zillion quids every time I sneezed near his premises.

I went into the office and squared off with the Boss of this new garage as he lurked behind an ancient desk.

I was fully prepared to knock the shit out of him (figuratively) for being a bastard. Despite having never met or dealt with him before. I knew his creed and that was all that mattered.

How can I help you sir?

Beamed the sly cheery robbing bastard at me. No doubt already calculating how he could wangle my first born from me in turn for an oil change.

The rear indicator on the opposite side to the driver's side is not working.

He leaned back like a Bond supervillain.

The offside you say?

I gave him my best Al Pacino back in the day look. Offside? Wasn't that that thing in football where one nancy ran further than the opposing teams rearmost nancy?

Yeah. Would you be able to look at it today?

Today?

The Garage Boss enquired venomously.

Sir, I will have my son look at it within the hour and give you a ring!

The Garage Boss took the keys from me with a lecherous smile. No doubt already planning on how he could demand the title deeds to my house in exchange for a minor repair and throw me out on the streets to be homeless.

Erm, ok then.

I toddled off back home my mind full of terrible thoughts of the coming battle of the bill. I wonder how much he will dare charge me, will it number in the mere hundreds or will he go full bhoona and take it to the thousands?

I had only managed a couple of coffees in the house by the time the Garage Boss called.

That's your car ready for pickup sir!

He declared nefariously.

How much will it cost?

I demanded. But he had hung up.

Bastarding fuck!

I shouted impotently at the phone. This guy knew how to play the game alright. I gathered my bank card and a credit card and a spare thirty quid we had hanging about and headed down to the garage with a sense of deep foreboding.

I arrived in his office. The Garage Boss was there, smiling. He rose to shake my hand. I shook it. The fool didn't even realise that in the few short seconds we had wasted on pleasantries I had scoped out his office for makeshift weaponry and cover points I could hide behind in the soon to come Garage Boss Battle.

He handed me the keys to my car.

Time stretched out seemingly forever.

From far away I heard my voice echo.

How much did it cost in the end then?

The Garage Boss moved slowly around his desk to get nearer me. No doubt to get a better angle in which to leap upon my body and rend it with his teeth when I fainted at hearing the price he was going to charge me.

28 pounds sir! It was only a little corroded wiring, stripped it out and replaced it. Ten minute job!

Aghast I stared at him.

Why you dirty robbing scoundrel of a bast...

I almost said.

28 pounds? Wow, I have never had a bill so cheap before.

You're welcome sir!

I arrived home shortly after and walked into the house. The good lady looked up as I came in. The lack of blood spattering on my clothes from a Garage Boss fight immediately apparent.

How much was it?

She enquired anxiously.

28 bucks.

I said quietly.

That's amazing! Oh fantastic, our last garage would have charged a fortune! What a great garage, what a great price!

It was eh!

I said.

She continued to talk excitedly as I went to the hall to hang my coat. I kept thinking of the smiling cheery Garage Boss man.

A fantastic deal... Or was it?

I wondered, with murder in my heart.