There are now precisely two weeks until our baby boom's arrival. Given that a babber is fully baked and ready from about 37 weeks in (we're at 38/40) it's making my nerves a little frayed. Take yesterday.
I was in the lounge browsing through my Steemit feed on my rubbish Chromebook. I was wondering how I could convince the good lady that we really need a spanky new laptop instead of assorted baby dross. The good lady had wandered through to the kitchen to get something. I heard a clatter and something wet spatter on the ground.
I leapt to my feet. Oh my god, the baby! It's coming! I raced through to the kitchen.
It's ok lass, stay calm, it's gonna be alright!
I stopped at the doorway. She was standing there in the kitchen beside a small puddle of milk she had spilled. She raised a disbelieving eyebrow at me.
Ah, not the waters breaking then.
No darling. Relax.
Yes, yes, of course.
I puttered back to the chromebook, heart still racing. For a moment I had thought all systems were go. Alas no, the waiting game was still on.
Some time later, I was doing a jigsaw puzzle with my daughter. I gave up encouraging her to start at the edges and was letting her slot any old piece in any old location.
The good lady called from the bathroom.
Daddy!
Flaming teeth!! This was it, I bounded up the stairs in a trice. The bathroom door was ajar. I pounded it open and blazed in, ready to rescue. The good lady was standing looking quizzically at a little discoloured spot on the ceiling.
Is that a wet spot? Might need to get those bloody roofers out again.
My chest was heaving with the exertion of travelling at close to the speed of light in answering her call.
Ermm, might be. I will have a look at the roof.
Are you ok?
My good lady had obviously noticed my red cheeks and manic eyes.
Yes, yes. Thought that was it. Thought that we had just gotten the message from ground control. Thought the bomb doors were opening and all that.
No darling, don't worry. There won't be any doubt. Remember last time?
I shuddered at the thoughts of last time. The torrents of blood, gnarly sputum and endless screaming. I twitched a bit before pulling myself together.
Yeah last time, of course.
I didn't mention that the past few years of sleep deprivation had wiped large swathes of my memory clean apart from the Scooby doo theme tune which stubbornly refused to be forgotten.
Scooby Dooby doo, where are you...
I wandered morosely back to my doings And tried to relax a bit. It would be ok, I knew it would. My self convincing words sounded hollow but I did my best to believe them. Just as I was starting to fool myself it happened.
Daddy, daddy?!! The baby!!
Hot shitting damn!! This was it. This was not a drill. I ran back upstairs taking them two at a time. I could hear her in our bedroom making those deep animal noises that women in labour make. Similar to those from a lady rhino when rubbing it's bum vigorously against a particularly rough tree.
Boom! The door nearly flew off its hinges as I threw myself into the room. Ready to do something... Anything necessary!
Something flew for my face. Ninja-like I flicked my head to the side and snapped my hands up to catch the odd pink object.
I stared at my hands, it was a baby doll. Not the sexy kind that your lady wears to entice you to make babies either. It was a toy baby. On the other side of the room my good lady was bent over double with laughter.
Oh your face!! You should see your face!!!
Raaar, had she never heard of the boy who cried wolf? I smiled and guffawed along with her. Inside though I decided. She took that joke too far. She needed to be taught a lesson.
Tonight, she was going to get a Dutch oven
You may also position silently your bum against her leg.
Than do a Flemish horn !
Dutch oven still intact , if not jumping. :-)
But unlikely in your case, I guess !
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Oh! Oh!!
I didn't know that one!! That is awesome!! A Flemish horn. Amazeballs!!!!
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wahahhaahha
2 weeks to go?
excited much?
good luck! don't want to imagine your description of bloody giving birth eeekkkk...
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Two weeks!! She thought she was having contractions in the middle of the night last night. It's all tension in this house!!!
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aw! can't wait!
I want to see Baby Boom Jr!
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He will be a wee cracker!! I can't wait to meet him myself :0D
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Rather looking forward to the ironic descriptions ! looooool
I love it to feel your happiness and excitement !
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🎩
😍
👕👍Great!
👖
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😂😂😂 That's funny.
I'm however looking forward to your future post about the little one!
Also: good luck!!!
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I am looking forward to the event being over and behind me!! :0)
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So you want to bring labor on early then? Because from what I recall of Dutch Ovens, and there have been a few in the course of my life, the oxygen deprivation combined with the exertion to get out from the blankets could definitely bring on a baby LOL
The first time I was ever subjected to this particular torture I was around seven or eight years old. My cousin Brad was spending the night and we had made the most awesome blanket tent that ever was, spanning nearly the entire length and width of my room. And we had a sleeping bag, actually we had two of them zipped together to make one big one. Evil Brad suggested we scoot down in the sleeping bag with the flashlight and the moment my head was beneath the edge of the bag he clamped it shut and let one that would give the town sewer a run for its money. I shall never ever forget it!!
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It is kind of a young kids thing isn't it!!
Wow, you know if it would bring labour in early I will start doing it regularly. There will be no respite if it meant I could escape from this ghastly half life of nervous waiting!!!
Your cousin Brad is awesome ;0)
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Awesome read.... I am always lost in imagination whenever I read your tale Milord!!!
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That is awfully good to hear old chap, much appreciated :0)
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welcome and keep steeming....greetings to the good lady-I wish her well.
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I shall pass on your fine regards!!
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Amen to that.
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:0)
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These are anxiously exciting times for the boomer! I wish you all the best but put this out of your mind......for now!:
"I was wondering how I could convince the good lady that we really need a spanky new laptop instead of assorted baby dross"
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I know, I know. I try my hardest. Then I flip it open and each time I think the same thing.
Fortunately I won't really have time to think of anything in a week or two. I probably won't even get to open my Chromebook!
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Oh yes totally on the freak about baby coming in at any time, totally relate!
i'm sure all will eventually go well, you might as well rent a place a min away from the delivery hospital LOL
Wishing you guys a safe delivery!
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I am Not too far from the place, I am hoping its not a midnight happening! Or that I am at work! And cheers mate!
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You do realise that this baby will probably make its entrance in the wee hours after you've had a few with your buddies. It will be in such a hurry, the Doula won't make it in time (no placenta shakes!) and no time for the hospital. You do have a catcher's mitt, don't you? ROFL
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No!!! No Say such things!!!!
It will come at midday and we will all have a cup of tea at the pleasant arrival!!
:OD
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You know it doesn't work that way. When my second son was born, the doctor came flying in just in time to catch the little gaffer...
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That's what a few people have said. Man that's scarier than a prolonged one! Although it works be nice in a way
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Congrats! Keep steeming as much as you can for the next couple of weeks because I have a feeling you won't be on much soon..
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Ha, you got it in one. I have exactly the same feeling things might be a bit too hectic!!!
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Apologies in advance, from urbandictionary.com
Congratulations in advance!
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Hahahahhahhaha, thats the one!!
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:D :D!
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is incredible as there are some things that despite having a very different habit, are the same, such as your feelings and concerns of this moment, all of us who have been parents we go through the same situation, without making a dicference of the place where you live or each customs .
I can put myself in your shoes and perceive your state of anxiety and alert at all times, the days before the birth are terrible, but nothing more gratifying than these beautiful sensations.
I can not imagine his face running from side to side.
excel work as always dear friend congratulations, we are already in the final stretch
I wish you a beautiful day. Wanted friend @ meesterboom
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The final stretch indeed. Thank you @jlufer for the as ever splendid salutations.
I cant wait till after the birth and we are home and getting settled :O)
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felicitaciones por su bebe que pronto viene a la luz. Dios le bendiga...
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Muchas gracias!!
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Why hadn't I ever thought to be as clever as your good lady? I had to drag my half asleep husband to the car and drill-sergeant his carcass to the L&D twice....mind you no meds and a forty minute labor. I'm sure he has withstood my tests, but I'm beginning to drool - sleep deprivation is worse than water boarding. So thankful for the many lost memories!
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Sleep deprivation is the worst. It turns you into someone else!
I suspect I will be getting dragged to the car several times this weekend on various drills
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You wouldn't? Would you? lol
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it was more of a threat and a half oven :OD
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Did you ever consider your wife could go past her due date. 😂😂😂
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Nooooooooo, dont even joke!!
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False alarm but thanks for the lesson on Dutch oven. never hurt that one.
BTW, congratulations in advance
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Thanks @ace108, it could literally be any time!
Hehe, and no bother on the Dutch Oven. Its a smashing thing lol
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You're welcome. I heard people have their bags ready to go with them all the time in times like this.
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We have one packed and ready. It is just behind the door. It has the most ridiculous amount of stuff in it!
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hahahaha your stuff makes me die of laughter everytime I read. funny I m still alive :D
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Lol, just the way I like it! You being alive and finding it funny that is!
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Heh heh heh, so funny!
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😂😂too much at meesterboom! How have you been? Long time no steemit! Lol. Glad to see you are ready to go when necessary. They will be two long weeks, wont they?
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Miss SGN! How the heck have you been? I aint saw you for ages? Is it me? Or have yoi been quieter of late? Its very nice to see you!
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Its definitely not you. Your stories are very entertaining 😊 I have been very Busy with other matters and havent posted. Will try to at least post once a week! Thanks for looking out 😊
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I will keep on looking out, always come back!!
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Ohhhhhh! The Dutch Oven! There will be hell to pay, I am sure! :))
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She wasnt impressed, I didnt do the full head holding down. Just lifted the quilt up lol!
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Haha! That still just got you the doghouse! :) The baby will stay in there to avoid being Dutchied!
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True, it's never quite as funny in real life as when you imagine it. All the Argy bargy fallout lol!!
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LOL!!!!
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My flatmate dutchied me one time (winter, couch blankets) and totally trapped my head with his feet while yelling "Dutchy!"
I'm still traumatized by to this day.
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Oh my word. That genuinely brings a giant smile to my face. What a mark of respect and friendship to give you a Dutchy!!!
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He still brings it up and laughs.
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I am still laughing at the thought of it. It touches a special funny bone indeed!
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Is it free? I mean, does it cost money? If it doesn't, then I would love to take it off your hands.
The countdown is on!! So happy for you, broskie!! A baby born into a world that has never been without STEEM. It's interesting to see how he'll react to stories about living without STEEM.
I was just going to say that I think your good lady was playing you after the first incident haha! But, you beat me to it by 13 hours. The Boy Who Cried Wolf really needs to be mandatory reading for children and pregnant women. Once people let their guards down, it's tough to convince them that you're telling the truth. Way to go being vigilant, dude! Too bad for the two Saturdays that would be caught in the middle Baby Watch. The beers would have to wait haha
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Ha!! What a fantastic way to put it. Born into a world that has never been without steem. Awfy clever. I will give you a medal!
I am sure as he gets older he will be quite disbelieving of take they don't involve steem in some way or another hehe.
Hmm, the beer thing. That's going to be tricky!! I might have to go full maverick...
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Well, awfy clever is one of my many titles after all! Still, I accept your medal, frame it in glass and put it on the top shelf!
It would be hard for those babies to accept the harsh reality when they grow up, but it's a very good history lesson that not everything we do was paid back in the day.
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Hmmm, I don't know. Is it too harsh a lesson to teach? Should they even know we lived in such barbaric times?
I wonder, Perhaps is best to leave them in the dark
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It is necessary, Boomdawg. It is necessary. Fight the urge to stop yourself. You are doing him a disservice by not telling him of times long past. He deserves to know.
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Then if it is necessary it is also right.
I shall tell if these times long into the night.
I might be met
With disbelief and jeers
But someone has to tell
Of those terrible years
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Best believe it, @meesterboom
Ready yourself, dude
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I am prepared, I have salt and everything
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Haha! Wonderful, wonderful. Brings back some happy memories... of Dutch ovens.
Wait, no. I mean of being just pre-giving birth. :D
All that tension and excitement, my other half flying around like a madman at my every whim... ahhhhhhh those were the days!
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Haha, oh how that sounds like my current situation!!
What heady days of joy they are!! ;0)
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Spot on! -"the past few years of sleep deprivation had wiped large swathes of my memory clean apart from the Scooby doo theme tune which stubbornly refused to be forgotten."
You buried the lead in a brilliant fashion. Best of luck in the coming weeks, and congrats on your growing family!
BTW- stressful work situations now default my thoughts to nothing but songs from Blues Clues.
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Hehe, Cheers mate. It's the stark work situations that being on Scooby Doo for me :0)
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You are now killing my nerves, after this post even I will have sleepless nights.
Nice to see you care so much but stop worrying she seems as if she is enjoying it.
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She is, it's the exact opposite of last time. Katy time I was enjoying it and she was having a rubbish time. No idea why it's reversed now
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@meesterboom - Damn - I am at once bewildered, remembering all those preggy time companionship months, clicking my tongue at your having had to endure the heart racing excitement thrice in a day and then laughing my ass off at your 'Dutch oven' revenge concept!!
Damn - you are one hell of a satirical writer. I don't know how much of it I can take and my wife will start wondering where I was picking up all those habits like the Dutch oven revenge!!
Upvoted full.
If you need to calm down, I recommend looking at some flowers in my blogs or crying your heart out at the plight of forests etc. They say it always helps grown men to cry a bit once in a while. LOL
Regards,
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Well I do like to calm down and after such a splendid comment how could I fail to visit :0)
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Being Dutch , I take offence to that slang ! also, I had no idea that's what it's called 😂 Bloody brilliant.
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Hehe, it is quite amazing isn't it. I would be proud!! :0D
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It is. Not sure though if proud is the word I'd use. Just like going dutch (splitting the bill, cause you know, we're cheap) it feels like we're getting the short end of the stick with all these negative connotations LOL. I need to come up with some epic dutch reference to bring some balance to the force !
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Oh I totally get you there. I am Scottish and we get pummeled with accusations of being tight or a bunch of drunks.
An epic dutch reference must be had to save the day!
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My gawd ! We come of even worse than I imagined when it comes to Dutch related idioms 😱 See This nary a positive idiom to be found.
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Good grief, what on earth have the noble Dutch done to offend with this list of awfulness!! We should burn it!
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I don't know, but with the risk of that list being even worse, this one almost makes me declare myself belgian after my fathers side ...
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Lol, stay true!! If it helps I hadn't heard of most of them!!
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😂 😂 Wow I couldn't stop laughing. I can imagine how on the edge you must be, and you are right. The last one went too far and she deserves to be taught a lesson, but I don't know about a Dutch oven. Think of the baby 😅 😷
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Damn you are right of course. must think of the child in there getting its very own dutch oven of its own making!
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ha ha ha too funny!
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;O)
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Super post man. I enjoyed reading this so much.......;-)
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Thank you kindly! :0)
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Congratulations for your baby @meesterboom.A great joy but also a great responsibility!!!
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When it comes out I will accept those congratulations!
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interesting
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I pondered but yes, I agree
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congrats....good post
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Yes, thank you. It's a great post
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LOL. It is a Supreme, galactic award winning material post
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Hehe, Cheers!
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Gratz mate!
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Cheers mate, not long now!
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Thank you!
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