Holy Mackerel

Boomdawg, what are you doing?

Asked my colleague Dribble.

He was a Java developer so I had to fight the urge to drop an elbow on him just for speaking to me.

Making my lunch.

I replied, concentrating on stirring the contents of my plastic tub thoroughly before slamming it back into the microwave for another round of death-ray hokey pokey.

Yeah, I see that but what the actual fuck are you making? It stinks.

I turned to him, my face squinty with indignation like a koala bear eating a dead dog.

That's charming. It's a spicy mackerel curry if you must know

Dribble reeled back in horror as if he had touched a ducks tongue.

A fucking what? That's minging. It's stinking out the office. I don't think you should be allowed to cook fish in the microwave.

I made a matronly clucking noise with my tongue.

Well dibbley-baws, I don't give a hoot what you think I should be allowed to cook.

The microwave dinged and I removed my aromatic mackerel curry. It was a little pungent, true but I knew it would taste amazing.

I lifted the lid and let some hot fish stink waft free.

I winked at Dribble.

Smell that eh, it's like your wife's baws.

I walked away leaving him sputtering something about his wife definitely not being testicularly endowed.

Later, after my fine luncheon, El Jefe stopped by my desk.

BoomDawg, follow me.

I got up with a sigh and followed him into a dank little meeting room which stank of spicy fish.

We sat.

He looked a little uncomfortable. As if he had freshly shaved his breasts and they were starting to itch.

There's been a complaint.

He said after a pause.

Oh aye. Is it the air-conditioning? It's too warm, like a sauna at times.

I said with an easy going flair.

No.

He sighed heavily.

It's about you cooking fish in the microwave. People are complaining about the smell.

I nodded.

Ah. That's unfortunate.

Yes, so if you don't mind, could you... Perhaps not? I don't really want it to become an issue but I have to be seen to be fair.

Hmm, you have to be seen to be fair... What about Keeler and that weird minty lamb shit he cooks? What about Felice and her boiled eggs she is always heating in the microwave?

El Jefe sighed and nodded.

Yeah, those eggs do smell.

I nodded my head too and for a brief moment we were like two old dogs licking a lamppost.

No-one has complained about them though so they are fine.

Said El Jefe with some seeming reluctance.

Ok, I wish to complain about them. Oh. And Janny the Fanny, he heats up couscous all the time in the microwave. It's horrid, the smell terribly offends me.

El Jefe looked incredulous.

Couscous?? Couscous doesn't smell?

Yes it does. Blergh, makes me feel sick. In fact I think I'm allergic to the smell.

El Jefe threw his hands up.

Are you serious? Are you really wanting to formally complain about those three?

You have to be seen to be fair so... Yes.

I said smugly.

Alright, I give up. I don't care anyway, cook your bloody fish in the microwave. In fact you can all cook what you bloody want.

He got up, shaking his head and left.

I sat for a moment before wrinkling my nose and deciding to get out of there as well.

The stink of spicy fish was killing me.