Luddites

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic...

Arthur C Clarke

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Right now, in Dundee, it is 2 degrees Celsius with cloudy skies. Today's forecast is rain with a high of 3 degrees and a low of 2 degrees.

Stated Alexa, my Amazon Echo device.

My Father-in-law Stubby stared in astonishment at the black cylinder which had just spoken.

He was visiting from the far Northern wastes of Scotland where everyone is a farmer or a fisherman and they all speak as if they are chewing rocks.

I walked over and patted Alexa on the head like a faithful dog.

Cool, eh?

I said.

Stubby didn't look as if he thought it was cool. Stubby looked half terrified and half outraged. As if he had dreaded this day was coming. Either that or he had gotten an erection at Alexa's silkenly sexy voice.

I hoped it wasn't the latter.

How did it dae that?

He said hoarsely in his coarse Dundonian accent.

He had turned his body slightly to the side. Either as if to run or if he indeed had a mini stubby down below.

It listens out for the command word which is its name, Alexa and then when it hears that it wakens and does what you ask, if it can.

Said I with all the blaseness of a 21st-century livin' man.

But how does it understand ye?

He said. His accent thickening by the moment, no doubt like some kind of defence mechanism.

Well, not to get into the specifics but it sends what it hears to the main servers somewhere and they deduce what you mean with a combination of algorithms and machine learning kind of stuff.

Stubby backed up a step. He looked both repelled and fascinated as if he had stuck his hand up a cow's arse and found a potato.

You mean it listens to you all the time?

Yeah, but it listens for the keyword Alexa. I wouldn't think they would be arsed monitoring everything.

But it listens...

He hissed as if resenting having Alexa listen to him even now.

Aye, ok. It listens.

I wouldnae have one of them in my house. That, is a fact.

He stated grimly as if Alexa was a Welshman doing that funny dance with the ribbons that they all do.

I sighed. Fucking luddites.

Well, Stubby. You don't have to worry about ever having one of these in your house.

How no?

He bristled as if he might just invite one in for a fight or a sexy party just to spite me.

You don't have the internet.

He paused.

Oh aye, right. Neither we do.

Fucking luddites.