I was showing a sparky new person in my work something on my screen. He was new and as a result was enthusiastically taking notes and asking questions.

I had only had one coffee and it was very early in the morning, his relentless enthusiasm was wearing me down a little.

He seemed to assume he was my best friend even though I had only just been introduced to him. He was very keen to know what I did at the weekend, how many children I had, was I married, had I ever been snowboarding... Blah blah blah.

I tried to be as gruff as possible to discourage further chit chat but it wasn't working very well. As I pointed to something else on the screen a mail notification popped up.

Happy Birthday Mr Boom!

I quickly flicked the notification closed but too late. Newbod had seen it.

Oh my god! It's your birthday! Oh wow. This is amazing. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

He exclaimed with all the exuberance of a puppy chasing toilet paper.

It's not my actual birthday.

I said flatly. Thinking to myself, don't read my fucking mail notifications you sponny bastard.

But why are you getting messages congratulating you on your birthday if it isn't your birthday?

He seemed a little hurt that I wasn't celebrating a year closer to death.

I lie about my birth date to some websites because I dont like having to give up my personal details when buying shit online.

He looked at me like I had leeringly waved a middle finger under his nose and said smell yer maw.

What? That's a bit eh hum, eh, strange.

I stared at him.

I guess I am just funny that way. So back to what we were doing...

I could see the light of mirth in his eyes as he thought, what a nutjob, I can have some fun with this one.

So is your name really Boomdawg?

He exclaimed loudly so others could hear and think he was hilarious.

I raised an eyebrow menacingly at him.

Haha, yes.

He ignored my answer.

I mean how do I know I am even talking to the real you!

He riffed, getting into the swing of his new found King of Comedy role.

Because you just bastarding are.

There was an awkward silence. Newbod looked horrified that I had said the B word.

I stood up and grabbed my jacket.

I'm going for a coffee, you want one?

He flinched a bit and shook his head. I slapped his shoulder playfully and grinned at him.

After all, I do like to treat myself on my birthday.

I waltzed away, ah, I didn't feel half so grumpy now!