Pumpur

in life •  7 years ago 

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Glasgow in Scotland can be a very amusing place. I experienced this first-hand today when I got the train home from work.

Warning, very fruity, earthy Glaswegian talk ahead!

It was very busy, I was squeezed in at a table seat with a couple of young lads opposite and an older lady beside me at the window. Given that it was a Friday, lots of people were drinking on the train. I don't know if this is a common thing in other countries but in Scotland it is considered quite the thing to get half-jaked when travelling by train.

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Eventually the train closed it's doors and huffed off out the station. I pulled out my phone and set to some serious steeming.

As I was reading I couldn't help but overhear the conversation going on across from me. The two young scamps on the other side of the table were drinking some shitty lager and talking about laydeez.

The one directly across from me was becoming quite animated. He must have been about seventeen, he looked like a ferret with acne.

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He said and I do apologise in advance for the foulness of the young scamps tongue... It was in very strong Glaswegian slang, I will do my best to translate.

See that wee burd ah wiz gettin aff wi?
*Translation: burd = lady and "getting aff with someone is to kiss them. What he was saying was "You know that delightful girl I was kissing with my face?"

His friend drank some lager from his can and nodded, his eyes wide.

Ah ended up back at hers.

Did ye!

Exclaimed his little protege.

Aye man.

The ferret-face leaned back, looking smug as if he had swallowed a piece of coal and shat out a diamond.

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His little compadre who had a pale doughy complexion reminiscent of porridge made with jizzum bunched forward in his seat, his voice squeaking up several octaves.

Did ye... did ye pumpur?
Translation: pumpur - actually two words, pump her. I believe the young firebrand was referring to the joyous and loving act of procreation

Aye man. Totally pumped her.

Boasted ferret-face.

Spunky-Porridge-face jaw hung open in awe. His mind was racing by the looks of it.

How many times did ye pumpur man?

Ferret-face, looked confused for a moment.

Eh. hunners a times man. Pumped her hunners.
Translation: Hunners = hundreds. Somewhat implausible gambit from the young man. Could he be telling the truth?

Hunners?

Said Spunky-Porridge-face. He looked a little crushed as if even he found this a little difficult to believe.

Ferret-face looked pained and his gaze darted about frantically as he looked to be racking his brains at a way of reclaiming his audience. Then, inspiration obviously hit and his grin slid back over his pinched little face.

Aye man. Everytime ah stopped she kept clawin at ma baws fur mare.

I let out a massive snort followed by a barking laugh.
Translation: clawin at ma baws = I believe what the young padawan meant was that the exotic young lady may have been, ahem, clawing at his testiculars. Yikes?!

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The Ferret-face went white and he scowled at me.

I made a mock scowly face back.

Fuck sake, cannae even talk tae yer pal withoot cunts listenin in.

He stated to his compadre with no small amount of macho posturing, which looks a little silly when you are sat in a chair, squeezed in at a table on a train.

I saw that it was my stop. Perhaps it was because he said the C U Next Tuesday part, or perhaps I was feeling a little playful? Whatever it was I couldn't help but laugh as I stood to get off and pointed at the ferret face.

No-one has ever clawed at your baws or let you pump them. You are a fucking liar and a virgin.

Spunky-Porridge-face burst out laughing at his friend and I walked off, to a chorus of abusive shouts about my maw, I laughed heartily, what a wonderful start to the weekend!

Happy Friday everyone!

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Hahahah 😅 😅 😅 How many times did ye pumpur man?
and the virgin responded : Eh. hunners a times man. Pumped her hunners what a very nice read ...😅😅😅😅😅 good one indeed.

Lol, it was rather good! Cheers mate for popping in!

welcome buddy.

Do you know the only thing that I needed translated was 'aff wi'. I thought 'off with?' did his friend watch him get off? Then I thought, oh maybe it's how we say hitting it off with...pretty close, just sans kissing :)

Me boom, I believe your posts have been educatin' me on Glas speak! Though...reading it and deciphering it when spoken might be a wee bit different lol.

Happy weekend without dealing with work cunts...hee Ah, and yes, drinking on trains is a practice here as well. When I took the train from Long Island into Manhattan to meet the darling @surfermarly and some other fine steemians, I was offered a piss warm beer by a couple of girls who were returning to their NYC flat after a week long hippie music fest in the midwest. I admit I did not know you could openly drink on trains before that moment and dearly wished I had brought my own-which would not have been piss warm nor tasted like actual piss. I'm pretty sure my smile of thanks to them after my first sip was far more a grimace, but I did manage to choke most of it down. Couldn't waste it, alcohol abuse and all.

You definitely cant waste it. I have been in similar situations before. Lagery beer offered and it would be rude to say no and it is always warm and pissy! Yuk! People of our station should be waited on with cold exotic beers!

Oh lol, aff wi - you are indeed almost an honorary Scot. It is indeed off with! It's a weird expression. You get off with someone and its like having it off with them but mouthy kiss malarkey only!

I am looking forward to a work cuntless weekend! Hurrah! Although I have to visit the north to meet with her fecking family. Blegh. I hate the north!!

My thoughts exactly! If you claim you pumped her hunners of time... and that she was clawing at your testies? Sounds like a virgin, kid will think twice before talking all that b.s in public again 😅

Hahahahaha, it was quite hilarious! It was like he got the first bit out then had no idea how to make up the rest!!

Riding the rails in your area is MUCH more interesting than here in my corner of the world. All I ever get is gum stuck to my bum, messy bathrooms, and crabby conductors telling me where to get off. Glad you set the young lad straight, and gave me a S.L.A.P. 3.0 in the process of re-tellance. Your eagle claws on the stones gave me a bit of a 'yeeg' in the nether's too.
Ta', and have a most wondrous weekend.

I'm having one! I hope you are too!!

Our trains can be dull or mad. Rarely am in between

aw chico poor acned ferret face
whatever that looks like
though I can't really imagine what on earth does a jizzum faced person would look like dont explain jizzum I still remember!

watch out on thursday! you might get it :D

Thursday I will be all hawk a watching!!!!

Hahaha brilliant! xD at least he didn't try to give you a Glasgow Kiss! You might have been next on his pumping list! hehe

AAAARRGH, perish the thought!!

Having a drink on the train? Who would have thought that was possible? In Melbourne, it would be an instant fine for drinking in a public place from the hundreds of inspectors that roam the railway system. I think that I may have to visit Scotland just to experience this!

Hehe, its funny because they cracked down on public drinking but left trains out for some reason :O)

  ·  7 years ago (edited)

That bilge rats! Aye matey, yer writing is worth a few barrels of good rum!
I have a dreadful collywobbles because of laughter!

Aaarrrr!! That be mighty fine!!

Welcome to the day dear friend @meesterboom, very funny start
Here is the same, travel to work, Friday, Saturday or Sunday by train is expected one goes sober to work and the rest return to their homes drunk, his story seemed to me on the train Sarmiento line of Argentina.
but you make it look very funny.
I wish you an excellent weekend dear friend

I hope that you have a fantastic weekend too @jlufer!!

Haha. A virgin 😆🤷🏻‍♀️

And so shamefully so. I mean shameful in the fact that he was so out on a limb once he started pretending he had done the do!

I think this is funny, guys have been bragging when they have nothing to brag about forever, it’s part of the world of men....someone should knock him up side of the head, that’s part of the process too...😂

They sure have. Its a built in thing. Its very hard to reign in! Ones like him will never learn I suspect :OD

What a great way to stuff up his weekend, his mate wont believe anything he says from now until hell freezes over.
Thanks for the translation

Hehe, yeah, he was almost a hero and then ruined it with his hundreds comment!

The clawing comment didnt help his case either. Now if he had said back, and shown the gouges, that would have added to his story.

Aye, had he any experience at all it would have showed, I almost feel of my seat when he said the clawin bit!

You pumped me with yer wackiness story oh @meesterboom

'Tis fanne ass shites ha ha ha

No-one has ever clawed at your baws or let you pump them. You are a fucking liar and a virgin.

Hehe, glad you liked the whackiness!

Well, it's POSSIBLE he counted each thrust as a pump. Then it could be hunners, if he wasn't very good at it. But far more LIKELY is your interpretation.

Lol. I think the collective pump was far more in keeping with what he meant!

Hunners n hunners!!

I could totally imagine their voices and the whole situation! it cracked me up hahaha. Didn't know in Scotland you drank on the train, it must be a pretty hilarious situation hearing all those drunken conversation ain't it?

Yeah, the drinking thing is quite good. It did last to some weird situations though!

Ah the boastful exaggeration of one who has no idea what he is talking about. Who needs subtlety when you can go all in and fabricate to the nth degree?

Exactly, I was waiting for tales of a beanstalk and a giant!!

hunners huh...poor girl shouldn't been able to walk and if she was clawing at his balls, it would have been to castrate -I'm...lol

upvoted and resteemed

Yeah to get him to stop!! Lol

sure he was not part rabbit?

This had me laughing the entire time I was reading it. Thank you for sharing 😂😂

You are welcome. Thank you for reading!

Lol, thanks for the translations!

I feel they do add to the piece! :OD

Hahahaha If you're a killjoy with those two young men. For me it was a hen who araño his testicles.

Hahahahah, that is very funny!!! I enjoyed being a killjoy! lol

Ah those youngsters these days. Could very well be helped with some my fair lady learnings. ...

I think they very much could!!

Thank you so very much for the never ending entertainment.

Lol, it is genuinely my pleasure! hehe

It's funny lol well maybe more hilarious when I reread again and again

When you read it again, try and say it in a scottish accent ;OD

Lol hahaha so I tried, but I'm African 😂😂😂😂

LOLZ

A great way to start my new year ( my born day). Thanks for sharing your experience on the train. To talk about how you go with a lady and mentioning how many times (like hungred which is not realictic if not a wife or long time girlfriend) is more like a non experience person. An experience person will say a couple of time 😅😜.

@seyiodus

Exactly right!! Can you imagine? A hundred odd? I mean it might get a bit tiring after the 50th one lolz!!

lox. really tiring. hahaha

hahahahaha you made me laugh thank you for doing that

Awesome article

Are you wanting pumped?

Nice writing 👌...Thanks for sharing.Following you for more.
Please visit my profile , hope you will like my clicks ....@shoot 💐👍

This was a good one thank you @meesterboom

Your welcome

Very good post friend. I already follow you and I invite you to go through my blog maybe something you like and you can support me with your vote.

It helps if you vote on the post you are commenting on

Always your story is my favorite.

I expect you to look at no other posts. Only mine. Then we can be together ALWAYS.

hahaha, Worth it.

porridge made with jizzum

Oh my, what a visual! I guess we know that kids these days would gobble up that bukkake face cream every time. Hmm.. "gobble" might not have been a good choice of words.

Teens.. Haha! I couldn't imagine how the adults feel like while I was at that stage. I feel so old whenever I hear teens talk, and I couldn't fathom how I would be able to resist from punching my teen self if I hear myself talk like them. It feels so long ago, but I feel like I did went through that phase. I shudder. The way teens brag like they know everything is so infuriating. A hundred times? Maybe because they get off whenever their willys get glanced even with the slightest touch.

I'm so proud that I was able to read the whole thing without the need for the translation. I'm ready to accept that honorary Glaswegian title now haha!

Had a good laugh at this one! In Canada there was no public drinking. Period. Costa Rica was similar. But Nicaragua...as long as you're discrete with the drink, no problem. How many drunks do you know who are discrete? And you may actually witness the carnal act on the crowded bus with nowhere to escape the drunken escapades...