Road Rage

I saw the empty car parking space near the front of the shopping mall.

Bingo.

I shouted over the wild banging gangsta rap that was blaring from my car stereo. The car park had a silly one-way system which meant to get in the space I would have to drive a half a mile round journey the opposite way to come back to this bit.

There were no other cars about.

Playas gonna play!

I yelled with happy abandon as I splobbed the car in the wrong way and quickly reversed into the golden space. Halfway through my reversing I heard an angry car horn.

Beep!! BEEEP... BEEEEEEEEEP!!

I looked up merrily. There was a small white sports car close to mine revving its engine and sounding its horn. At the wheel was a woman in her late forties with a leonine mane of hair swirling around a worn and angry face. The red lipstick smeared liberally over her lower jaw made it look like she had just munched on a bison.

I gave her my best smile. One which I reserved for ladies who were lucky enough to be in the running for a little turkey's neck.

It was my daughters birthday today and I had been dispatched to pick up her cake from the shop. I was in an exceptionally good mood. The coffees had flowed like wine and the chocolates and sweets eaten so far meant everything was a little sparkly.

I got out my splendidly parked car At the same time, the leathery-faced lion woman got out of hers.

It's a bloody one-way system!

She screeched in a white-haired madwoman way.

I paused momentarily as I was searching for a spare plastic bag from the boot and looked up.

Yes, yes it is. Well done!

I called cheerily and went back to my bag hunting. There, found one. I surfaced from the boot. The dead sea scroll faced woman had taken a step or two closer. Little flecks of white at the corners of her lips.

THAT IS HOW ACCIDENTS HAPPEN!

She yodelled like a demented Swiss.

Not today milady, not today!

I chuckled like a man observing his shaved nadgers in a mirror for the first time.

She turned purple, then a sort of mauve. Her jaw trembled and it looked like some pustulent hiccup was forming deep under her jacket.

TYPICAL BLOODY MAN!

She screamed as if she was holding on to my ears and ejaculating.

I swaggered past her as if wearing wet tracksuit bottoms and tipped her a wink.

Calm down lass. We don't want your insides falling out of your vagina!

I carried on with a lively spring in my step and a song in my heart. Life is too short to get all angsty over a parking space!