The Gift

I woke up unable to breathe. Something was terribly wrong. I sat bolt upright. What was it? What was going on?

It was the air, something was wrong with the air itself??

I clawed at my neck.

Can't breathe... Must, must...

Daddy get your arse out of bed it's a beautiful day!!!

The good lady swept the blinds open and sunlight flooded in. Oh, the air was a bit warm that was all.

Grumbling about the unfairness of the world I followed the good lady downstairs. Once I got into the living room she turned. She had smile brighter than a thousand suns.

Daddy. I've got a present for you.

The sleep crusting on my eyes exploded outward as my eyes exploded open. I looked about feverishly.

A present? A present! For moi? What have I done to deserve this??

The good lady beamed radiantly. The sun slanting in through the blinds sparkled through the loose tresses of her hair that curled bewitchingly out from the sides of her head.

Oh don't get too excited daddy bear. It's something we both agreed last year that you needed.

Oh my god... It's the Gibson guitar! You bought me a Gibson guitar. The guitar of my dreams is stepping out into reality.

The good lady gestured over to a box that I hadn't noticed lying up at the back of the room. A long and bulky box. A box a guitar could easily hide its foxy curves in.

Sweet baby girl! This almost makes up for you convincing me to have a second child which has aged me by about ten years that I can't spare. You, my sparkling Princess are Top Donk!!

The good lady blushed.

Oh, I told you not to get too excited. And amazingly on the day it has arrived the weather is stunning! Isn't that just fate?

I looked out the window at the gloriously sunny day. Nary a breath of wind stirred the trees. The sun poured from the sky like molten gold. Everything was perfect.

Utterly, wonderfully perfect.

I looked at the good lady with love and devotion. I knew I had picked a winner. Even over these last few years where all the rules had been cast aside by our newfound parenthood and we had struggled through the stygian darkness of sleep deprivation and social ostracism of being parents.

It was all ok. She had done me proud.

I advanced on the box of guitar joy. Those diddies at Amazon, it had a ridiculous amount of packaging.

The good lady watched me with those doting eyes that parents have when watching their children unwrap Christmas presents.

I tore a big lump of cardboard of one side and there she was my beautiful new...

Scarifier?!?

^{for those of you not in the know it's an electric rake. Seriously, she bought me a rake.}

What in the bloodiest of fucks was this?

A tremor of rage rippled up, then down my superbly engineered body.

With eyes of dread fury I turned my gaze to the good lady who was twitching almost uncontrollably trying to hold in her laughter.

A scarifier?

I managed to squeak through the red hot flushes of disappointment coursing through my body.

I told you not to get too excited. Remember we thought it would be great for the garden?

I remember.

I said numbly as I stood, surrounded by the wreckage of my broken dreams.

Even better, the weather is amazing today. You can get stuck in! Our grass is going to look amazing!

I picked up the scarifier and gave her my best foosty shoes look..

The grass might not look so amazing when I dig a giant fucking hole in it for your body.

I thought to myself.