Want Some?

Today the little lady was in Nursery which left me and the good lady relatively free for the day. We still had little boom but given that he sleeps most of the day and only stays awake at night to torment my sanity, we thought that perhaps we had a chance to do something together.

It didn't take us long to come to a decision; get the baby to sleep and then watch Stranger Things. That sounded like a fine plan. Firstly though we both agreed that we were hungry and could be doing with some food and good coffee.

Oh, oh, perhaps we could go to our little cafe, you know, at the cross?

Exclaimed the good lady.

A fantastic idea I thought. We had often popped into this cool little cafe near our place but toward the end of the pregnancy when the good lady was the size of a planet it was awkward to go to such places what with the gravity displacement of her gargantuan frame twisting the fabric of space-time.

We made sure we had all the supplies needed when transporting a little baby somewhere (a surprising amount of guff) and headed off.

It was quiet when we arrived and we settled down to look at the menu. Amazingly, little boom was sleeping and we crossed our fingers at the thought that maybe he would sleep right through our date of a breakfast.

Shortly after ordering the food came. We prepared to tuck in when...

The little boom has an uncanny knack for wanting to be fed as soon as it is our own mealtimes. The good lady sighed and pushed her plate aside and as subtly as possible got one of her norks out and stuck mini-boom on it. He started getting tore in as we say here. I don't think that needs translating.

I tried not to visibly enjoy my breakfast so that the good lady wouldn't feel too bad about hers going all minging cold. I looked around the cafe and noticed a couple sitting nearby. They looked to be in their thirties. The man was pointing surreptitiously at us and saying something.

I ignored him. Today was going to be a good day and I wouldn't let it be spoiled by a

The feed went on for some time. The good lady attempting to eat the odd forkful of food whilst squirting milk from her udders into the mouth of the little tyke.

I noticed the guy from the couple was still staring. In fact, he had given up talking to his partner. Instead, he was just fixated on the boob feeding that was going on. Quite alarmingly so.

I stared at him so that he would realise what he was doing and retract his saucer-like eyes.

Nothing, he continued watching avidly. I hoped he wasn't getting a semi.*
*^{Glasgow talk for a half erect penis}

I looked at the good lady who was oblivious. I looked at the guy who was now leaning dangerously far over his chair in an effort to get a closer look.

I drummed my fingers furiously.

He stared.

I cleared my throat.

He stared. I don't even think he was blinking those glassy big eyes.

DO YOU WANT A SHOT??

I bellowed, loudly enough for half the place to hear.

He clacked his jaw shut and sat bolt upright in horrified embarrassment. His own good lady looked confused.

Errm, eh. I was, eermm.

He bumbled.

I mean there's plenty there if you want to be up next? You seem keen enough?

Sorry, I was ... Eh, sorry about that.

He half turned away and mumbled something.

I turned to the good lady and exclaimed rather loudly.

Perverts baby, perverts everywhere!

They left rather quickly.